Contradictions

by Ismath Mohideen

Lately, I’ve been intrigued by contradictions. The traditional modernist. The conservative liberal. The western easterner. It’s as though having the best of both worlds is all the rage. Go ahead, have your cake and eat it too! The world is yours to explore. Will we pay the price for it later?

Ismath with her mother.

After attending college and entering the working world, I’ve noticed juxtapositions in many aspects of our unique culture. It sometimes seems as though the ‘C’ in ABCD holds true; the contradictions are just enough to make life that much more confusing! And one of the most evident contradictions I’m facing recently confuses me probably more than it should. I mean, there’s enough confusion in school and at work to keep us all busy!

As South Asian women raised in the US, we’re taught to be strong, independent, well educated, and assertive. We’re supposed to grab the bull by the horns, pave our own pathways, and take advantage of all the growth opportunities around us. After all, our parents paved the way for us by immigrating so we could have all the opportunities they didn’t have back home.

I’m in graduate school and working on advancing my business career. I’m independent and assertive, and I’m taking advantage of the opportunities around me. Let me tell you, it feels absolutely liberating! But, it seems as though we can’t take this independent nature and apply it to all aspects of our lives, especially when it comes to men, and ultimately, somewhere down the line, with aunty’s advice and dad’s blessing, and mom’s recipe for her amazing chicken tikka, marriage.

Since graduating and staring my career, the conversations among friends and family have become increasingly about dating and marriage. My mom asks if I’m looking at the “profiles” of eligible bachelors online. Or when I’m going to learn how to cook a proper dosa and chutney. When the topic comes up, I feel compelled to do an about-face and run screaming in the opposite direction!

Her idea of the perfect guy involves an M.D. degree and conservative religious ideals (which is great – if you’re that kind of guy, you should have girls lining up outside your doorstep, biodata in hand). But it’s not always that cut and dry. I can swing internet marketing and consumer buying patterns, but somehow I can’t quite work my brain around the rules and expectations when it comes to Desi dating. Are we even allowed to call it dating? Or is that taboo too? Is my mom reading this?!

Ismath with her Desi friends.

If that’s not enough, throw in the double standard. But with all this independence and progressive growth, many South Asian women are also expected to embody traditional family values too. She’s expected to cook daal and serve ginger chai, be a humble wife (not to mention a humble daughter-in-law), and behave the way our mothers and aunties behaved in the motherland. What’s a girl to do?

Take this scenario: A Desi friend of mine (we’ll call her Anita) was dating a White man (we’ll call him Greg) in college. They were deeply in love, dated for 3 years, and even drew up blue prints for their lives after college so they could be near one another. Every member of Greg’s family loved and accepted Anita. That whole time, Anita’s family never knew a thing about Greg, and if they ever found out, Anita would be in deep you-know-what.

After sleepless nights of heartfelt reflection, Anita decided that she couldn’t disappoint and distance herself from her family by introducing Greg. It wasn’t an easy decision, but neither was facing the intense backlash from her very traditional parents for bringing a non-Desi person into their home. Maybe things would have eventually worked out if Anita had brought Greg home, but that’s a huge maybe. Maybe she simply chose the easier of two equally difficult options?

Ismath hanging out with her friends.

Take another scenario: A Desi couple dates in college and wants to get married. They’re both successful and working on their medical careers… basically headed down the ideal post-college path. Easy, right? Here’s a twist worthy of a Bollywood epic: she’s Muslim and he’s Christian. Neither one can tell their families about their commitment without first prompting a defense strategy. Both families are equally traditional in their own religious practices. But, the couple is progressive and dedicated to making the relationship work. How will they convince their families to accept them? Even though they’re both Desi, their religious differences and family values are enough to create a sizable wedge in their otherwise healthy union.

So, try serving up the American values of independence, religious freedom, and women’s empowerment with the Desi values of tradition and family loyalty, and you’re bound to get an interesting taste. Confusing perhaps at first, but for many people it takes some time to just get used to it. I’ve merely scratched the surface about this issue considering the vast diversity of the young American Desis out there. I think it requires a lot of personal reflection. Maybe a little rebellion, maybe a little giving-in to tradition. Can we really live the best of both worlds?

Over time, depending on your experience and future outlook, you’ll create your own unique blend of what it means to be a South Asian American dating in the US. I’ve learned to slow it down and take these contradictions as unique aspects of our culture. For now, I’m just focused on being happy.

Guys and girls, I’m anxious to hear your stories.