Never Been Kissed

Photograph by Thuy Ly.

by ‘Anonymous’

I have been staring at my computer screen for about an hour now, trying to put off the article I had told myself I’d write a long time ago. I was hoping that by writing this, it would purge me of all my negative thoughts- a sort of inner cleansing that would leave me ready to take on my weaknesses and become a better person.

Right now, I honestly don’t want to talk about this. It’s embarrassing. Pathetic. Weird. Just plain dumb. Okay, I’ll just come out and say it. I am almost 23 years old and I have never really been kissed. Yep, just like Drew Barrymore in the movie with the same title. But, this isn’t some Hollywood plot line made up to draw audience fascination. This is reality. My reality.

You might be wondering what exactly is wrong with me. I mean how can a normal 22 year old girl go through a normal American childhood, grow up, and not ever really date anyone? Honestly, I don’t know the answer to this question. Trust me, it bothers me everyday. I’ve wasted countless hours of worrying, thinking to myself:

“What’s wrong with me?”

“Can no one be attracted to me?”

“Should I just enlist myself in a nunnery?”

With a new year in full swing, I am adamant to get to the root of my problem, fix it, and then move on. Hopefully, with a Michael Vartan.

How did this all start? The only thing I can truly attribute my dismal situation to is my prudishness in high school and my over all lack of self-confidence. Till now. In high school, I sort of, kind of shied away from boys in general. I blame this on my conservative Indian roots (it’s much easier to play the blame game than actually just blame myself). I knew I wasn’t allowed to date. So, I think in general I avoided boys. Stupid move. This avoidance led me to believe I couldn’t talk to boys, that I had to only be friends with girls. This led to my unrealistic fantasies where I would be one day swept off my feet by a boy I have never talked to, ever. Yeah, I know. I was ridiculous.

Enter college. When I look back at those four years, I’d like to say, all the guys I met were sheer losers. I would even venture to say, my lack of dates was because, well I wasn’t attractive. Boys just didn’t see me. Did I mention that guys were losers? Oh, and there was all that studying. How could I possibly have time for boys when I had to make those grades.

Now I see the fallacy in my thinking. It was my lack of confidence, shyness, and negative thinking that brought me down this road of a kiss-less existence. Right now, I’m thinking it’s 80% my fault and 20% fate (just to make myself feel better about the situation).

Regardless, I refuse to turn 24 and remain never been kissed. Don’t worry, I won’t turn into some kissing psycho, throwing myself at guys left and right. I will take the higher, much classier road. My first step in this wonderful plan is to learn to love myself. I am an intelligent, beautiful person. Who wouldn’t want to kiss me? Second, I will learn to put myself out there more. For a change, I will not hide in the shadows. Instead, I will take risks and not be afraid to be noticed, especially by the opposite sex.

Who knows if this plan will actually work? But, I have no other choice than to try!

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