The Arranged Way

by Sunita Dharani

The life of a typical South Asian young woman in the States is filled with attending classes, juggling a job or two, perhaps a few extracurricular activities and hobbies to fill the downtime, and of course, nagging from the parents. It appears that once a woman hits that brink of post-high-school maturity and a pre-career-woman seriousness, the piercing question of “when are you getting married?” is repeatedly thrown as us. After having spent a significant portion of their lives in the United States, the generation of South Asian-American parents have come to gradually-and with hesitance-accept dating and the concept of their children ‘looking’ for whoever it is they will end up with. However, there are those of us who have been badgered to at least consider that prospect of having… an arranged marriage to a “nice, Indian boy.”

Even as I write this very sentence, I have just finished deleting an email sent from family friends in India with the picture and contact information of a complete stranger, deemed to be what my family thinks I ‘need’ in a husband. Fortunately, mine have managed to abandon the topic of “fixing” me up. But abandoning the topic itself only leads to questioning the intrigue of it-a method that reveals marriage as the ultimate social contract, used over centuries to keep power within families, expand kingdoms, and even determining one’s status, arranged marriages have once again become popular. In a time where both men and women are getting married into their 30s, the divorce rate is over fifty percent, and the rate of single people in the U.S. is the highest since the 1970s, an arranged marriage seems to be a pragmatic solution.

It is the perception that an arranged marriage is the equivalent of a forced marriage that is inaccurate-at least in the 21^st century version. Today, an arranged marriage consists of the family of the single person to actively seek out a significant other for the man or woman, but with both their consent and their wishes in mind. In fact, the process first begins with the person writing out a list of the traits they desire in their prospective mate, such as education level, family values, and specific concerns regarding children and the family dynamic. From that point onwards, family and friends use their contacts to put out the word in their communities, and the photographs and proposals begin pouring in. Author and former lawyer Reva Seth, drawn in by the high incidence of arranged marriages in South Asian communities and in  her own family, chose to spend some time researching the benefits and pitfalls of such a process.

In her book “First Comes Marriage,” Seth boils down the benefits of arranged marriages into basic principles that anyone looking for a significant other can attempt to follow. As she herself found her husband after only seven dates, Seth acknowledges that the concept of any “arranged” relationship can cause hesitation. According to Seth’s years of research, including over three hundred interviews with women in arranged marriages, certain principles that guide successful partnerships are key in any type of long-lasting relationship-whether it’s arranged or not. The process of an arranged marriage, Seth states, allows for women to establish a clearer idea of what they want in their future husband-a picture that is far more concrete than “must have a connection.” Whether it is the high intake of the fairy tale ideal or changing standards of women when looking for a relationship, simply going out and expecting love to appear is both unrealistic and a disappointment. In an arranged marriage, the expectation both parties have of each other are already outlined before the commitment occurs; you are informed of what to expect from the other person. She notes that when approaching finding a husband who has similar values rather than just a similar CD collection, the chances of divorce drops down to less than 10%.

From the sounds of Seth’s interviews, the solution of an arranged marriage appears to be less stressful (and far more scientific) than the dating world facing singles in the United States. However, as with any cultural phenomenon, there is always a dark lining on the bright horizon. Ameena*, a Houston pharmacist who was married off to her husband of 25 years by her parents, was forthcoming with the reality that exists in arranged marriages-whether they are from decades ago or occur today. “I did not meet Shekar*, I had only seen a picture of him that his sister had brought to college,” she says of her initial exchanges with the prospective family. Over the course of a single week, Ameena found herself selling her skills as a housewife to her future-in-laws, but not finding out much about Shekar in the process. Instead of finishing her degree, she spent her days in the kitchen of her in-laws, cooking and cleaning. Did she feel forced into the marriage?

“Not entirely, but there was a sense of ‘if you don’t say yes, what are the chances you will receive another proposal?’ There was a stigma that if a girl was still unmarried after a certain age, there was something completely wrong with her-either she was ugly, or she couldn’t cook or clean.” The chance of a marriage resulting from love did not exist. I asked Ameena if the principle of “love after marriage” was applicable to her situation or even a remote possibility for those who chose to go into arranged marriages. “For some women who are lucky, they begin to love their husbands and a mutual partnership develops, but there must an understanding between both. Other women are not so lucky; they enter the relationship as a wife and remain stuck to that role the entire time. It is not love that grows, it is almost a type of worshipping of their husbands.” Does happiness exist for her? Ameena has a look of concentration on her face that lasts for a few moments before she finally answers-with an air of hesitance-”sure.” For her, happiness can be found in her marriage when Shekar looks to her as a person equivalent to himself, not simply someone who does his laundry and makes sure the bills are paid. Love, for her at least, is not a goal in the relationship.

Whether they are matters of love, happiness, or the pursuit of “forever,” the modern, Westernized female can benefit greatly from the principles found in arranged marriages. Centuries of empirical evidence have shown the social and economic implications of this coupling system, and in deviating from the traditional form and integrating the practice of “arranging” a relationship into the 21^st world, perhaps a realistic fairy-tale ending can be found within reach.