Enter Parents, Exit Adulthood

by Sunita Dharani

photographs by Thuy Ly

The end of the school year can bring about high levels of anxiety for college seniors-professors stacking exams and projects back-to-back, decisions arrive for graduate programs and job interviews, and the ever imminent graduation itself. It is within the past year, especially after the real-estate bubble burst, that college graduates have found a new item of worry to tack onto their list: finding their way back home. More specifically, a dim future of job leads and rising costs of standard of living have forced numerous graduates to rethink striking out on their own after their walk across the stage. As the New York Post stated in June of 2008, approximately 48% of the class of 2008 planned to return living with their parents after graduation, a continuing trend from the classes of previous years, only to increase further this spring as well. Many students are unable to simultaneously saddle college debt in addition to finding a job and place to live. Instead, after four years of living on their own, young adults are packing their bags to return back to their childhood homes and to their parents’ open arms.

The American cultural norm places the expectation upon parents and children to become independent-financially, socially, and psychologically-at a young age. In fact, this concept is implanted into the psyche from an age when children can barely walk. Such a virtue is not entirely encouraged within South Asian culture. On the contrary, Indian parents prefer to keep their children at home for as long as possible, until of course, the inevitable day their child leaves due to marriage. However, for those college students who have managed to somehow escape from home at least for the duration of their undergraduate years, the news of having to possibly move home comes as a shock. A seemingly impossible situation arises: how do you continue an independent lifestyle with the constant glances of your parents in the background? It does become slightly inconvenient when you have one foot out the door on your way to a job interview, and your mother stops you in order to play her worry-filled version of “Twenty Questions.” Not only does she want to know where you are going, but also the why, when you plan on returning, and if you can stop by the Indian grocery store to pick up some nihari spices. While you are busy explaining to her from beginning to end the story of what the next three hours will consist of, one look at your wrist indicates you are already fifteen minutes late for the interview. Such situations extend out from the professional life you pursue to even your personal. Club-hopping and your usual Friday night activities may quickly change to a certain extent, at least to become more accommodating to the wishes of your parents. Stumbling in at 3 a.m. with a stranger on your arm into the front hallway, your father hiding behind the kitchen door with a broom handle is not the most appealing image to come home to.

Michelle Singletary, from the Boston Globe, recommends sustaining that same level of independence between all adults in the household. For example, having the children pay for a portion of rent, discussing their options in regards to rules of the household, as well as determining how long the stay is intended to be. While the last thing a new graduate wants is to be living at home till she’s 25 years old, parents will take it to be beneficial for all parties.

“I think it’s great if my son returns home,” Sana Virani. speaks of her son’s plans to live at home temporarily until he lands a steady job. According to her, and many other South Asian parents, living at home as adults will allow for an improved relationship and also help forge a new bond . Sana’s husband, Atif, agrees that he will now be able to spend time with his son that was previously unavailable while he was in school. They agree-including their son-that boundaries will be set up so that neither one of the parents infringe upon their son’s privacy. After all, he is an adult, they say.

Perhaps in these sluggish economic times, for those young adults who are tempted to simply live with the bare essentials and 14 roommates rather than move-in with mom and dad, a peaceful arrangement can be reached. Approach your parents with the mindset that you will be expected to behave as you would be on anyone else’s property. Treat the transaction as that-a business deal between two parties, so that in the long run, you are able to live in peace and independence without griping about the conditions. If things don’t happen to work out, there is always the possibility of obtaining 14 other roommates to share a place with.

Tags: Career, Culture, parents