The Wise Brown Girl

Need some group therapy? At BG, we’re launching a new advice column where you the reader can submit your questions/issues/whatever! And, we’ll try to give you some feedback you can use! Check out our first submission:

Dear Wise Brown Girl,

I’ve been dating my (non-Indian) boyfriend for about a year.  We’re long distance, and now that we have both graduated, I fly to visit him often.  My parents have no idea about the boyfriend, though I think they suspect.  It’s more of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy and they have never come out and asked me.  The relationship is going well, but we are taking it slow especially since we are so young.  I feel really guilty about lying to my parents, especially when I don’t tell them I am traveling.  I don’t want to tell them everything until I know the relationship is really serious (i.e. close to engaged), but how can I feel less guilty about my secrets? I feel like an awful daughter for lying when I know how upset they would be if the truth came out.  Any suggestions?

Signed,

Disobedient daughter in love with boyfriend

Dear DDILWB,

I understand your problem. Whenever it comes to relationships, for some reason I start living a double life even though I hate lying to my parents.

The problem with your problem is that there’s no simple, solve-all solution. We’re Indian and that means that unless we have parents who are completely supportive of any romantic decision we make regardless if the guy is even a part of your race and religion (most parents don’t even believe in dating), there is going to be some fibbing somewhere. The question really is how much you’re willing to lie, and for that you really have to ask yourself a couple questions:

1. Are you thinking marriage in the next couple of years?

If the answer to this is ‘yes’ then you have to think about whether you could end up with this guy, regardless of how your parents feel about him. If marriage is high on your priority list but you can’t see yourself marrying this guy – then it might be best to cut ties now before things get more hairy.

2. How serious do you feel about him – really?

You say you guys have been together for over year so it can’t be a fling, but you say you’re taking it slow. If you really are just having fun, then it might be time to evaluate the situation and think about whether your ‘fun romance’ is worth the hundreds your spending on flying back and forth, and the lies you’re feeding to your parents.

One last thing is the traveling back and forth. If you must do this, you should consider at least telling your parents you’re leaving town to visit friends or something. If anything were to ever happen and your parents didn’t even know you were out of town, imagine how hurt and embarrassed they would be that they didn’t even know where their daughter was. If you can find some way to tell them you’re flying to where your boyfriend lives and say you’re visiting friends, that would be best. If not, at least a ‘Hey, I’m going out of town for the weekend.’

Once you’ve really thought about your relationship and how much you are willing to risk for it, you may have a clearer head to figure out what to tell your parents. If in the end, you end things with your boyfriend (though, of course it’ll be hard), then what your parents didn’t know won’t hurt them and there’s no use in worrying about it. After all, we do have to live our lives some way. Just make sure you’re responsible and safe!

The Wise Brown Girl

If you need some advice, submit it to our staff at staff@browngirlmagazine.com!