Sometimes you just have to let them know how you feel. Let them know you love them. Even though they are not physically here anymore.
To my dear grandmother (a.k.a. Mummy),
I miss you. I wish I got to say goodbye to you, but when I close my eyes I do see you. I remember your smile and your silly jokes. I can still hear you laughing at the comments all your grandkids used to say, while you clasp your hands together and squint your eyes. I like how you always take my side, even when I’m not completely right. I like how you make everyone your best friend.
I hope you know that I love you. I hope you know that we all love you. Right now I can’t remember if I showed it enough. It makes me mad that I was miles away from you and didn’t get to be around you all the time like everyone else in the family. It makes me jealous of everyone else. It makes it unfair. How am I supposed to keep my promise to you if you are not here anymore? But, I know. I know that even though I was always miles away, you still loved me as much as you loved everyone else. I know you always thought about me and worried about me. I know. That’s what makes you even more amazing.
I can’t stop thinking about you. The last time I saw you in April, you stood outside your door waving bye. Then of course I came back, because I always forget something there. I guess that time I remembered before getting on the plane. I’m glad I remembered because I got to see you one more time. You were so happy to see me again, already waiting by the door holding my camera charger. You knew I would be back didn’t you? I wish I could see you again. I wish I could get one of “nani’s awesome hugs,” as Sabah would say.
Every time I eat chocolates and cakes, I promise I will think of you because you liked them so much. Remember when mama and papa went to India for two weeks and you stayed here in Houston with Farhan and me? Those were the best two weeks I have ever had with you. We did something fun everyday, whether it was getting free samples at Whole Foods, watching Rachel Ray or Indian movies, or just skipping dinner to eat dessert. I still go grocery shopping on Sundays just to get the free samples. I wish you could come with me. Funny how a lot of stuff revolved around food; I definitely got my love for samples and sweets from you. I just hope I don’t become a diabetic also, but even if I do, I bet I’ll skip dinners just like you.
I will be a fighter like you. You went through so many struggles as a heart patient, but always came out with a smile. You were the center of our family. You held us all together, from LA to Houston to Chicago to Atlanta to D.C and so much more. The only reason we always knew about the extended family and friends was because of you. What will happen now? I hope we don’t fall apart. I know it will never be the same anymore, but I know we will all try our best to stay connected because family is important.
The grieving will end soon I’m sure, but I will never forget you. No one will. Please just know that I love you, we all love you. Bye Mummy, I hope I will get to meet you again one day. I know you will be waiting at the door for me.