[painting by Charuta Paresh]

I have news for y’all: gossip can be lethal. A lot of us have been affected by the grand epidemic of gossip in the South Asian community. However, it isn’t just annoying, it can seriously harm people. Gossip isn’t just over Chai; it’s over lives. After the loss of Tyler Clementi, many of us realized that this covert gossip culture and homophobia could teach people to become more overtly disrespectful.

So far, most of the queerphobia I have faced has been from people of color, mostly Indians. The first time I felt violated was when I was told by a desi friend in college that some of her girlfriends used to scour my facebook profile for evidence of lesbianism. For me, their underlying lesbophobia wasn’t scary or devastating. These particular girls did not have much significance in my life and I had already removed most Indians from my life after coming out in an effort to protect myself. I should mention that it mattered to me that my friend had actively told them what they were doing wasn’t nice. If you want to be an ally, take notes.

I was blessed to have a collection of understanding and accepting friends from high school (in England and the U.S.) and college who were outside of the stereotypical Indian community. While it was stressful, I didn’t really fall to pieces when I realized that the Indian community might not accept me, because they weren’t everything to me. It was stressful dealing with my mother but even that I got through because she was dealing with her fear of the Indian community more than her own queerphobia.

Fast forward four years and the same thing happened again, except this time it was an anonymous Indian from my U.S. hometown who had been scouring my facebook profile and sharing stories with others. The news of my queerness had apparently taken years to travel from college to home. This anon. told someone who told someone who asked one of my desi girlfriends if I was a lesbian. My friend, out of reflex, covered for me and said she didn’t think so. Although in my situation I didn’t need her to lie, I appreciated that her instinct was still to protect me. Again, if you want to be an ally to your friends, take notes.

These petty attempts of others to get into my life don’t bother or hurt me on a personal level. I definitely want some privacy from the general public and need to distance myself from my family in India, I also need to protect my parents from the Indian community in the U.S. that they are surrounded by. However, I am not particularly in the closet and have nothing major to fear that I am currently aware of.

When I told my Bangla didi-friend about these incidents she made it clear that she would defend me if she ever heard anything said rudely about me in our community. I have friends who have and will support me, but what about those that don’t have anyone? I worry that the feeling of privacy violation may be scarier for someone else than it was for me. I wasn’t in fear of my parents, but someone else may. It hurts me that what happened to me may not be trivial if it happens to someone else. I don’t want to lose another member of the queer community, or the desi family.

I’m speaking of the Indian community because that is where I have experienced it, but I know this happens everywhere. We all need to be careful before we gossip about topics as sensitive as a person’s sexual and gender identity. We need to understand that in our society, not everyone is safe. We could stand under the same apple tree as our neighbor but because they’re queer (or brown, black, woman, etc.) they are more likely to get hit by an apple. We must think before we put our neighbor’s business out there, because even if we don’t mean harm, someone else might… or our neighbor might think we meant more harm than we did.

I know I’m not perfect and most people gossip in some way, shape, or form. I need to follow this advice as much as anyone else. I suggest we keep focusing our efforts on being good friends and advocating for those in hostile social situations. Furthermore, it is always healthy to keep a holistic outlook on the world and human beings. If we do not know someone’s whole story (we rarely do) then we have little right in gossiping about them.

Amongst many South Indians, the first menstrual cycle in a girl often calls for much joy and celebration as it indicates that the girl is now a ‘grown up woman’, with her womb ready to ‘receive’. At the same time and in a seemingly contradictory manner, it is customary for the women to be barred from entering the kitchen to cook during menstruation. Although some view this as the period when a woman is allowed to rest and be relieved of her domestic duties, she is not allowed to touch anyone or enter the temple or perform any religious rituals.

-Sarita Manu, “Pure or (im)pure?”, HRISouthAsian Blog

I got my first period when I was twelve. Small and underdeveloped, I could pass for nine. Though I was emotionally mature, and had already defined myself a feminist, I was confused by the conflicting messages I received from my family.

My mom insisted on calling India to inform relatives immediately, much to my embarrassment. My dad, traveling on business, was also immediately notified and called me the next day, asking me if I was eating well and vaguely telling me it was “important now.” I received gifts and jewelry from extended family and noticed my mom’s aunty friends giving me knowing smiles.

I knew the event was important in some way and though I thought I understood the mechanics (having read Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret in elementary school), I still wasn’t quite sure why exactly I was being treated so differently. The next year would bring more puzzling changes as a result of my new status as a woman – albeit one who still looked like a young girl, who still wasn’t able to swallow ibuprofen to treat cramps.

I remember my mom chastising me for pointing out a scar on her bare arms while we happened to sharing an elevator with a man in the local community center. The resulting explanation of why one shouldn’t call attention to exposed skin in front of a strange man left me confused and hurt. As did my ban on attending temple with the rest of the family, just because it was a certain day of the month.

As I got older, I understood the bans on makeup and the fear my mom displayed when I talked about boys from school after I “officially” became a woman. But as the confusion disappeared, anger arrived in its place. I repeatedly questioned my mom and other female relatives – why did they refuse to make prasadam while on their period? Why did they – god-fearing, devout – women refuse to participate in poojas during “that time of the month”? Who was stopping them, and why? Why would God, who supposedly granted women the power and honor of bearing children let the process that allowed them to create shame?

I still haven’t received a satisfactory answer. Possible explanations offered don’t soothe me: that historically, the only break from housework a woman would receive was during her period, that offering women a rest is out of respect to her sensitive state. Maybe in ancient times, but now?

This article, posted on HRI Institute for South Asian Research and Exchange’s blog, showcases a presentation entitled ‘Feminine Representations and Themes of Resistance in Nepali Art.’  Installations included a woman sitting in a makeshift hut, alone, as many women are still required to (1). Another depicts a mannequin with red strings (red is notably the color of celebration in most South Asian countries) that turn into cloth lotuses – paradoxically, as lotuses are often used in Hindu ceremonies (2).

My mom knows my feelings on the topic and knows I don’t agree with her sticking with tradition. But it still happens – a few months ago, attending temple for a Carnatic music concert, I got my period. My mom refused to let me ask any of the other women for supplies, even though we were on our way out, and hushed me when I mentioned the problem.

I know there are many more sides to this issue. I know women are celebrated and respected in India and Hinduism for their fertility and not all women feel ashamed of their menstrual cycle or even adhere to the ancient traditions described above. But as Sarita Manu mentions in the conclusion of her blog, it will take more than education or awareness to stop thinking of menstruation as an impure process.

I hope this starts a discussion.

Images above via; Image of Goddess Ganga via

Since BG’s inception, we have had many, many readers send us comments about the sticky topic of interracial relationships. Girls have asked for advice, shared their own stories, and even left advice for girls in facing the same dilemmas. There is a wide array of stories, ranging from happy, sad, frustrating, to inspiring.

Many outside of the South Asian community are amazed that in 2011 interracial relationships would be examined with such scrutiny. Its a sad fact that many Brown Girls have dealt with quite a bit of drama when it comes to dating someone outside of the community. But on the other hand, there are some great stories of how these relationships have worked out so well.

We at BG thought it would be great to stir up the discussion by sharing some stories from the “other side”- non-South Asians talking about their experiences with Brown Girls. We hope to feature stories the challenges of interracial relationships as well as show how they can be possible! Most of all, its always an interesting to hear what guys think!

To start, we have one of our own staffer’s BF talk a little bit about his relationship and what he’s learned from dating a Brown Girl. Meet Andrew Otis, beau of Sheela Lal.

Who are you currently dating and for how long?

I’m dating a fantastic lady named Sheela Lal. We’ve been dating since July 2010.

What were some of the barriers to overcome in order to be in this relationship?
The biggest barrier might have been meeting her father. But that was easily overcome! Sheela and I were traveling in India, and I was having all sorts of digestive troubles (It’s India, hey). She suggested that the best way for me to meet her father, a doctor, was to have me Skype him about all the diarrhea and other stomach problems I was having. It was a very awkward conversation, the first meet-the-parents talk being about my poo. But I think he likes me now.

What is your cultural background? Do you find there are similarities that help make the relationship work?

My mother is ethnically Jewish and I suppose my father is a WASP. We’re not very culturally attuned as a family other than that we usually celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas because those holidays have presents. I think our differing cultural backgrounds, ethnicity wise neither help nor hurt. They just are. But they certainly give us things to talk about: I know more now about Salman Khan’s biceps than I would ever care to know, or how cute Abhy Deol is. What’s more important are other similarities that we have, such as values, or what we like to do with our time.

How do you feel about the cultural differences? Are they apparent on a day to day basis or do they hardly come up?

Cultural differences seem to arise mostly with her family’s values on relationships. The fact that she is dating me presents problems. Mostly along the lines that no one outside her immediate family should know that I exist. Generally, though, it’s not really a problem.

Do you feel like everyone is always watching you or paying you too much heed because you’re in a relationship with someone of South Asian decent?

Hah. No. Well, except in India. Then *everybody* is watching you.

What do your friends (both South Asian and not) think of your significant other’s background? Did anyone ever say maybe this is or isn’t a good idea?

My friends are very supportive, and they usually don’t mention her ethnic background, except for the comments that I went to India and found myself an Indian girlfriend (Sheela and I met in Hyderabad. She goes to the University of Missouri and we met studying abroad). They have told me that she’s a keeper, so that must be a good sign!

My mother’s main comment is that she thinks that brown parents inexplicably don’t let their children drive on the interstate. Otherwise, I think that’s about her only gripe, and she enjoys the fact that she and Sheela can team up and torment me together.

What advice would you have for a guy who may be interested in dating
a Brown Girl?

I never set out to date a brown person. At no point did I think to myself: “I’m going to exclusively pursue South Asian women.” That’s just silly. (In fact, I wasn’t doing a particularly good job at pursuing anybody). Be open, who you’re willing to date and realize that her culture may be a lot different than yours. There’s definitely a lot to learn. And have fun, of course!

What advice would you have for a Brown Girl in an interracial relationship?
I don’t know if I can give any great advice for brown girls dating interracially. You are probably your own best judge of your parents when it comes to who you’re dating. I can say, though, try to learn how to drive a manual transmission car. I’m still working on that one with Sheela.

What is it about South Asian women that appeals to you?

It’s not that South Asian women specifically appeal to me, although I think they are very pretty. It was more circumstance than anything else that brought us together. While I appreciate and enjoy her culture, Sheela could be any other ethnicity and it wouldn’t change my attraction for her.

Sheela and Andrew show us that an interracial relationship can work and they are fun! And as a nice bonus, Sheela has shared her own advice on dating that you can read here.

Stay tuned for more…If you would like to share your story (anonymously or not) please send an email to aditi.mehta@browngirlmagazine.com. We’d love to include your story in our discussion of interracial relationships within the South Asian community! 

Miss Representation has been hitting college campuses around the country. If you haven’t heard of the movie, I urge you to at least watch the trailer. The film covers an extremely important issue that our society is facing today. It is one that is detrimental to the mental and physical health of millions of youth.

While I admit, the movie is a bit sensational; it needs to be in order to get our attention. The media needs to reflect on its moral foundations and go through and ‘extreme makeover.’ As we are having protests against Wall Street and corrupt governments around the world, let’s ride that wave and change the way we perceive, stereotype and condition genders.

As a 25 year old women and a professional athlete, I struggle with the mixed signals I get from society and my upbringing. Be strong conflicts with be sexy. Be compassionate gets in the way of having thick skin. Being cool with guys friends is hard when I don’t take disrespect and stand up for women. I am sick of warped body image ideals and the incessant reminders that the worst thing for a woman to be is old.

Here are some highlights from the film:

• The media is the message and the messenger.

• A girls value and worth depends on how she looks. Boys get the message that a girl’s appearance is what’s important.

• The average teenager gets 10 hrs and 45 mins a day of total media.

• 53 percent of teen girls are unhappy with their body

• 65 percent of women and girls have an eating disorder.

• There is a concept of a perfect woman and that ideal is impossible to achieve.

• Advertising is about making people feel and want something they are not. It is a 230 billion dollar industry.

• Women spend an average of 12,000 to 15,000 dollars a year on beauty and spa treatments.

• Girls see themselves are objects as and in turn self objectify.

• Too few women running for office or in leadership positions.

• 51% of the US population is women yet only 17% are represented in Congress. Cuba, China, Iraq and Afghanistan have more women in government that America!

• By the age of 7 women feel the gender bias and consider leadership to be a masculine quality.

• Only 16% of females are the protagonist in Hollywood films and they are looking to be rescued or to find love. Or they are portrayed as a bitchy boss that sacrificed family and love.

• On TV there are only 20-30 year old women. However, 20 and 30 year olds are only 39 percent of the American population. This is telling us that women at 40 are some how not wanted?

• Reality TV portrays women as vindictive, gold diggers, natural enemies fighting for a man.

• Women in power is often seen as a negative thing. Hillary Clinton’s ambition is portrayed negatively throughout the media.

I wanted to know what men thought about in regards to this issue. I have to admit, when I asked my friends to respond, I was a bit skeptical that they would even take the time to write back. I was so pleasantly surprised with the responses to this film and I forgot that these ideals also effect men and that most men don’t agree with society’s messages about women.

Alejandro, 24 Cancun, Mexico

Incredible video! I feel that the problem is poor education, and not finding out what is really valuable in life. Things like kindness, respect, laughter, friendship, trust, etc, are forgotten and replaced with much easier and quick-satisfaction sources like lust, power, avarice, and superficial characteristics like body image. These misconceptions originate from FEAR: to not be respected, to not be accepted. FEAR, I believe, originates from hatred towards ourselves. Why do we hate ourselves? Because we feel we are never good enough for the society’s standards. It’s a cycle that never stops unless we cut the chain. The question is, which one should we cut?

Jordan, 22 US Marine

Well, I did know it was sort of like this in the media but I had no idea the reality of it. The media is supposed to be unbiased and this is insane what they’re doing. The statistics were a great eye opener and show that we need an equal number of women in the top positions in corporate America. Its one thing to say that sex sells but to start belittling women in government, the workplace, and where ever else you are not trying sell clothes at least then I don’t understand the idiot logic in that. I can understand Victoria’s Secret along with other merchandisers but that’s advertising, since when did the government need women who appeal sexually?

Alex , 20 Michigan

I checked out that link, but it was only ~3 minutes long. I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I agree that the media really pushes women to try to become something that isn’t realistic (Barbie doll image, etc). I don’t think that’s a good thing because it makes women feel insecure about themselves and isn’t good for their mental health. But on the other hand, it’s not like it’s not the same for guys. They show Ronny from Jersey Shore dancing with two chicks at a club, but they don’t seem to care that Ronny is jacked up on roids {steroids} and makes every guy in the world seem small. I think it goes both ways, the media pushes for men to become things that aren’t healthy either.

Raahil, 21 London

This is a fantastic reality check for our society. Women have largely become portrayed as sex symbols and men in my opinion view them as the same. The media has really portrayed looks and the key criteria to be judged upon. And it is showing when you look at the nightclubs and bars. Girls who are barely 18 are dressing and dancing in ways that are seen on television and in music videos. The guys are expecting the girls to do that, and it is becoming the norm. I loved this video, a must see for all teenagers especially women!

Eric, 23 New York, NY

One of the first things I noticed about the trailer is that there are few, if any, men actually commenting on the issue. I can understand that a film focused on women would not want to include men, but it belies just how much of the objectification and exploitation of women is engendered by women themselves. Women, in my experience, often compete with more ferocity than even the strongest of men (and have the struggle of pregnancy to prove their mettle). Has it ever struck critics that the fact that there are more women than men in our country is perfectly in line with what is happening in the media today? Sometimes I wonder.

You can read more of these interviews on Neha’s website: www.nehauberoi.com.

You can learn more about the film at www.missrepresentation.org.

Other media: A Look At Media, Gender In ‘Miss Representation’

A few nights ago, curiosity killed my roommate when she found this documentary on Netflix titled Love in India

Personally, I love documentaries and instantly had this burning desire to see what this one was all about. She didn’t give me much background information…she just simply told me to watch it with this grin on her face. “You’ll like it, I think you’ll find it interesting,” she said.

And so I watched it. Wow.

I really don’t know what more I can say. I initially thought it was going to be about how love is idealized in India or maybe the institution of marriage and family…basically a bunch of fluffy nonsense. Yeah, not so much.

First of all, viewer discretion is HIGHLY advised. I know we are all adults here but some of the language in this documentary is somewhat vulgar and may be slightly offensive.

Love in India is filmed by a man who travels through various cities, towns and villages interviewing men and women from diverse backgrounds about their idea of sexuality, spirituality, and what love means to them.

The director has joined two sectors of life in India: public and private. The director references his own relationship with his girlfriend. They are a sexually freethinking couple that touches on many discomforting topics and questions over the course of the documentary. He talks about what is kept behind closed doors, which is just what people need to see.

The documentary stems from the love story of Lord Krishna and his lover, Radha. Through their love story, the director is able to show how the idea of romance, and why we depict love in its modern sense, through our Gods’ history.

I find it puzzling that a text like the Kama Sutra originated from the Indian culture yet the idea of sex is so frowned upon…still. Does anyone else see what is wrong with this picture? Is it not ironic that so many Indians think that seeing sex in films, watching couples be affectionate in public, and premarital relations such as dating are so taboo? Our culture shapes our brains in to thinking about everything sex related. Our desi movies adorn the actresses with as little clothing as possible and our actors with perfect, rock hard abs and seductive dance numbers that make your mind wander. These images date back to even some black and white films. It’s not just a recent epidemic. How are we not supposed to see sex in such a bright light when that is all we are being fed in our films?

That is primarily what this documentary explores. The way the director has explained and scrutinized religious motifs to explain the presence of sex in Indian culture is praiseworthy.

Although the director did a great job bringing this undercover realm of a hot topic to light, I think it could have been better. I am not an expert by any means, but it had the potential to be better had there not been such an ambiguous ending. Some of the speakers featured at the end did not really compliment the other speakers in a cohesive fashion. Regardless, it was worth watching…so if you find some time, take a look.

As Indian Americans, we all know how hard it can be to fit in with the crowd. During 9/11, I was living in Bastrop, Texas, a rural town where brown people are few and tractors a-plenty. The only thing I cared about that morning was how to stay awake in English class. I didn’t realize what would happen to the country after tragedy struck.

Two weeks after the attacks, my teachers were still showing CNN on loop. As the news anchors talked about past attacks by the Taliban, a stumpy, angry-looking kid turned to me and said, “So, is Osama Bin Laden like, your dad or something?”

After I picked my jaw up from the ground, I whispered the only two words I could think of, “Um… what?” He said it again, but this time he added, “you stupid terrorist.”

I had no words. But nothing I said would have softened the blow anyway. This was the first of many insults I would receive for almost three months.

After a week of noticing my half-hearted attempts to wipe away tears and empty smiles, my dad finally sat me down and made me tell him. His one piece of advice? Build up immunity. But I was 12, I had no idea what he was babbling about.

My answer came as epiphany I had while watching a particularly bad episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos: jokes! I needed to use humor to diffuse every tense situation.

It took me a while to get the courage to shout out one of my funny comebacks; I was afraid the verbal assaults would lead to physical ones. But finally, I had enough and let one fly. When an especially dim-witted girl asked me why I wasn’t “wearing my turban,” I said, “Oh, I forgot it at the dry cleaners. Don’t worry, I’ll wear it to your house tomorrow.”

I waited for a couple of seconds in sheer panic, thinking I was about to get knocked out. But she sat in stunned silence, turned around and walked away. That comment shut her up for the rest of that week.

I don’t know when it became acceptable to say hateful things to people of my color but after 9/11, it seemed to be a popular way of coping with the attacks.

And now, it’s the ten-year anniversary. Have things changed? Sure. Now we make jokes about still being “randomly selected” at airports or ironically freaking out when we see suspicious people on planes. It’s not the best response to the hate we continue to see toward minorities. But hey, it’s hell of a lot better than being afraid.

I hate reading articles about dating. None of them seem to understand what dating is like to women of color. Sorry, women of color and immigrants.

Being a woman of color in a society full of white men, yes, dating is not easy. Being a daughter of immigrants makes sustaining a dating life harder.

Why do I say that? Immigrants are more likely to hold onto “old world” ideals; these ideals are probably more conservative. Trying to date before you’re married (or before you’ve earned at least a BS or BA) is unacceptable.

Sure all of your other friends are free to date (or not), but “you will not date when you live under my roof.”

Which is awkward, if you still live in their house.

Anyway, I know my mother is going to have a “talk” with me after reading this article, but at a certain point, you have to give up and share your story with the hope that it can lend support to someone else.

I “dated” in high school. I had less than a handful of boyfriends. It wasn’t primarily a parent issue then. They knew about one, which didn’t go over so well; they didn’t have much to worry about, for the “relationship” ended after two months. Anyway, I didn’t date because I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know what I could bring to the table. I didn’t know myself.

Fast forward to college. I met guys. I tried to like guys. I went on a couple of dates and they failed. I quickly realized that being a woman of color at a Midwestern state school was going to teach me a new word – exoticism. All of the guys I met were initially interested because I wasn’t white. Wow, what a f***ing self esteem boost. Nope, I’m not interesting, just “foreign.”

Needless to say, as a wee freshman I knew I wasn’t going to seriously date anyone at my university.

Then I studied abroad in India, and that’s where and when I met the fellow I’m dating now. Let’s not get too excited now, I’m not dating an Indian. That would be too perfect.

“My daughter went to India and met a very nice Indian boy.”

LOL.

I date a WASP-J (for Jewish). I thought I was losing my head. After years of writing off white men as exoticists, here I am dating a white boy.

But he’s different. Our first proper date was to a Shreya Ghoshal concert. He had no idea what was going on, but he appreciated the experience. He went to movies with me (including Aisha, where all I did was ogle Abhay Deol) and we traveled together. I think he’s seen more of India than my entire family.

In conclusion, he understands my background, erasing any point of contention in the future.

So what does dating mean to a brown girl?

1. It means knowing your family.
For most brown girls, family is a top three factor in most life decisions. Another factor is what you want. I can’t think of a third right now. How about, what would Amitabh want? Anyway, understanding what your family would want is important but you shouldn’t let it dictate what you do. If I let my family dictate all of my major choices, I would be pre-professional. I also wouldn’t date until I had a master’s degree.

2. It means understanding who you are and what you want.
That’s pretty self explanatory and goes for all women.

3. It means having to understand what you want from any relationship.
This comes after some trial and error. You aren’t going to know what is important to you until you interact with potential partners. I didn’t think I was going to be in a healthy relationship with someone who ran 5 or 6 miles at a time for “fun” or who collected stuffed pandas as a child, but so far, it’s turned out really well.

4. Unfortunately, it means having secrets.
I didn’t tell my parents about most (of the few) of the guys I’ve dated, and for a reason. I didn’t want to raise their blood pressure for no reason.
Kidding. Sort of.
If they weren’t anything special, it wasn’t worth getting another person involved in my family and cultural dynamics.

These dynamics vary from person to person, and that’s for you to gauge.

(You know what you should never keep secret? Relationship abuse. Please read Farah Mithani’s post here for more information)

5. I don’t have anything else. I’m sure other brown girls do, so please, contribute!

Typical South Asian female expectations: go to college, find a kick-ass job, get married, and populate the world with a family of your own.

Recently, I’ve been hearing about a number of people venturing out and choosing alternative measures to find “that special someone.” By alternative measures, I mean online dating.  There are SO many online sites dedicated to helping young South Asians find their life partner.

As much as the haters want to hate, I think this is a really good thing for the South Asian community to get acquainted with. This puts dating in the hands of the single South Asian bachelor or bachelorette.I did some research and explored some sites other than the obvious, Shaadi.com and it definitely opened up my eyes a bit.

Twomangoes.com is a fun website for South Asians looking for a ripe mango and to share their thoughts and ideas on contemporary issues and events through an online blog. Their Facebook page states they are, “South Asian Dating done right! Cause ‘matrimonial’ sites just don’t cut it anymore!”

Desispark.com, Mastidating.com, Myzamana.com are all some of the top competitors out there right now with all similar things to offer.

Everything has a price. Some of these sites are indeed free, whereas others offer incentives like premium packages where you can choose your subscription plan allowing you to access more features and maybe more information.

Shaadi.com is indeed the largest South Asian dating site, to my knowledge and upon further research, I found that they have a pretty intense search criteria…they don’t mess around.

I decided to have a little fun and search for myself to see what I could find…

Okay so I know I’m searching for a groom, check. Age, okay- standard question. Religion, very important question- check. Mother Tongue, check. Caste, there are SO many options here- check. Country, USA please- check. Photo, of course! -double check.

Then from there, they lead you to a more intense list of preferred State, Occupation, Marital status, Education, Occupation, Salary- (AH my head was about to explode!) But I mean, on the flip side- good work Shaadi.com.

Now the real question is…do they work?

Well, here’s living proof.

Meet Sarika Mahale.

“I feel that in order to have a relationship work successfully, you need to be on the same page when you initially start to talk, which is why I liked the online route. I wasn’t afraid to ask any questions, where in the past I would dread asking the “where this is going?” question. When I started talking to my fiancé we decided from the start that if one of us was not feeling something, we would let the other person know right away, and not waste each other’s time.”

How/ When did you meet?

My fiancé interested me on shaadi.com, at which point I decided to send him an email. We started talking on the phone immediately and decided to meet up after two weeks.

What was your experience with Shaadi?

I thought this was a great way to open more options to meeting someone. I also liked that it cut out all the games that you end up playing in relationships. You can ask any questions, and if you aren’t interested, you can back out without feeling bad about anything.

Positives and Negatives about online dating?

I didn’t have any negative experiences. I think I was lucky because he was the first person I started talking to, and I was the first person he started talking to. We had profiles up for maybe 2 weeks prior to meeting. The only negative was that initially we were hesitant to tell people how we met because several people laughed or made comments about going the online route.

Positives- You don’t waste time getting to know someone. I feel like people are a lot more honest about what they want and their feelings, and cut out any games.

Advice you have for others who are skeptical about online dating?

Have an open mind; online dating is usually looked upon as someone being desperate because they don’t have the ability to meet someone on their own.  This is not true at all, you are just giving yourself more options to meet someone that you can actually develop a relationship with.

The democratic role model of the world is in a race against time to put a woman in the president’s seat. The same country that broke its previous record of all Caucasian male presidents finally elected a black man in 2008. It is once again daring itself to break the all-men record with the likes of Republican candidate Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin garnering much of the nation’s interest in preparation for the 2012 election. It is an electrifying time in our nation’s history.

Michelle Bachmann and family

Looking back in history, many women have led powerful nations, albeit not all were democracies.  Egypt has the earliest examples to offer, Cleopatra being the most popular. Cleopatra ascended to the throne in 51 BC as the queen of Egypt. However, history books place emphasis on her beauty and have very little to say about her competence as a ruler.

During the 15^th and 16^th century, many European countries had queens who dealt fairly with their people and brought prosperity and reforms to their countries that helped them enter into the modern era. Queen Isabella I of Spain and Queen Elizabeth I of England are two such women. In Nigeria, Queen Amina Sukhera of the Hausa people would later become the subject of legends blurring the lines between truth and tale. She was a fierce warrior and helped Zaria become the center of trade.

Tsu-hsi, better know as the Dowager Empress, of China was a low-ranking concubine of Emperor Hs’en Feng during the 19^th century. She bore him his only male heir and rose to her position as an Empress upon his death. Though she is portrayed as frivolous, she is also responsible for the reforms and modernization of Chinese government.

Queen Liliuokalani

A little closer to home is the story of Queen Liliuokalani during the 1890′s, the Final Monarch of Hawaii. Her reign was short lived and turbulent. She opposed the idea of Hawaii joining the United States and was thrown in jail on charges of inciting a revolution.

The much younger democracies of India, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh and Pakistan have all seen female prime ministers over the past century. They were Indira Gandhi, Sirimavo Bandaranaika (three times over), Khaleda Zia (twice), and Benazir Bhutto respectively. Benazir Bhutto is a highly acclaimed woman as she is the first female Prime Minister of any Muslim country. Distressingly, she was later assassinated in 2007.

Benazir Bhutto 1953-2007

Today, Pratibha Patil is the President of India. Yingluck Shinawatra is poised to step in as Thailand’s Prime Minister. Dilma Vana Linhares Rousseff is the current president of Brazil. Other countries such as Kyrgyzstan, Australia, Liberia, Slovakia and many more have female reigning presidents or prime ministers. The United States has been left behind in this race but is our country now ready to embrace the inevitable?

Image of Michelle Bachmann via; Queen Liliuokalani via; Benazir Bhutto via; Elizabeth Taylor’s Cleopatra via

I guess it was inevitable.  Now that brown girls are reaching adulthood, free from our strict upbringing, some negative attention was bound to strike our model minority image. But the last few weeks have brought some unfortunate scandals.

If you’re even a casual Internet user, you have probably come across the cell phone video of a young Indian woman berating a Metro North train conductor, using winning phrases like, “Do you know how well educated I am? Do you know what schools I went to?” Apparently the woman was speaking loudly and allegedly profanely on a cell phone conversation so the conductor asked her to keep her voice down. This simple request was met by yelling in an over-enunciated accent about her superior education and a demand for her money back before exiting the train in a huff.

Unfortunately in this public age, the young woman’s name and Internet history was quickly revealed. As an NYU graduate, her “well-educated” claims were swiftly mocked by Internet commenters. Even more unfortunately, many commenters felt free to insult the young woman’s ethnic background (the words “curry eater” were used as well as putting down her parents owning gas stations). Though the woman’s actions were deplorable, it was remarkable to see how quickly the conversation moved to insults based on the woman’s race. A sad reminder that as much as we try to assimilate, South Asians are still very much the “other” in American society.

The next story broke a few days ago. A young Indian woman working in Los Angeles met director Quentin Tarantino at a Hollywood party, went back to his place, and indulged his well-known foot fetish before returning home and emailing fifteen of her closest friends about the experience.

The email was leaked to major websites (whether the leak was intentional or not is being debated) and the woman’s picture, work history, Tumblr, even an old Wheel of Fortune appearance were quickly found.

Like the Metro North train experience, Quentin Tarantino’s date was put down for her mannerisms and attitude.  She insulted Tarantino’s looks and admitted she only agreed to the dalliance because it would make a good story. Racial undertones colored both events: the train conductor who was spoken to harshly was black and Miss Hollywood mentioned “hordes” of Asian girls in Las Vegas and bragged about her former black boyfriend in her email.

These stories are different, of course. Perhaps the train passenger was simply having a bad day (though her reaction was unspeakably rude) while the Hollywood email writer was almost certainly seeking attention.

Sepia Mutiny breaks down the race issue better than I can do here, but I think the main take-away from both incidents is that although brown girls on the cusp of adulthood may be assimilated and successful, we are still seen as South Asian first and as representatives for our culture. This may be unfair, but until we actually live in a post-racial society, we should remember our actions do not occur in a bubble but affect the perception of our entire race.

*I’ve chosen not to use the real names of either girl, because I truly feel sorry for their loss of privacy.

Image above via

Picasso Blue Nude on right via