What if I don’t want to study medicine or engineering?

Dear beta,

Join the club. This is another tough road to take, but don’t worry, others have done it before you and survived. There are many Indian-Americans studying and doing unconventional careers. I think it is perfectly fine to study things besides medicine and engineering. We need artists, film-makers, novelists and philosophers in this world to make it more interesting!

So, as Nike used to say, just do it. Be smart about it. Do research on the field you’re considering. Talk to people who are in the field. Use your social contacts to find people that you might be able to talk to and be prepared when you discuss your thoughts with this person.

Another thing you will need is strength. Take it from me, beta, you will get many questions and strange looks from other South Asians. Be confident in your choice. When someone asks you what you’re going to do with a degree in whatever-it-is, look her in the eye and tell her. You know what is best for you and if that is underwater basket weaving, then by all means, weave baskets under water.

If you can find a mentor who is South Asian, this will give you some support. If you find an aunty or an uncle or a cousin or a friend who knows someone in your field, see if you can establish a mentorship with them. All you need to do is ask. There are many people out there who want to guide younger people. This can be an extremely valuable resource for you.

Good luck! You can do it.

A philosophy graduate of an esteemed  liberal arts college for women, Seema Aunty has dedicated her career thus far in promoting causes for young women and the South Asian community. With a strong knowledge base formed from her own experiences growing up in a South Asian household, Seema Aunty advises young women on a variety of topics, ranging from family, relationships, and culture.

In her own words: “I know it is hard to reconcile the idea of rugged individualism with conservative desi values. Growing up was difficult. It isn’t easy to find a place for oneself in this world when we hear mixed messages about who and how we are supposed to be. I hope that what I have learned from my own life might be of some interest to young women who are now coping with difficult issues.”

If you would like Seema Aunty to answer your burning questions, please feel free to write to her at seemaaunty@browngirlmagazine.com. All submissions will be kept confidential.

I can see how the phrase “power dressing” can sometime be misleading. When people think of “power dressing,” the first two things that come into some minds are shoulder pads and court shoes! Even though shoulder pads and court shoes have seen their days, ladies!

In today’s day and age, power dressing is all about looking professional and modern without losing your personality. It could be as subtle as wearing the right perfume or carrying the right bag. Even though a nice pair of red heels and a fuchsia pink dress are fun to own, they are not the safest bet if you want to be taken seriously at work.

Here are 5 basic tips!

1. Invest in Blazers – As a professional woman, it’s not a bad idea to invest in a polished blazer. Black is a universal color that goes with most outfits, so look for a quality blazer that will last a long time. I personally own four blazers.

• Basic black blazer – My basic black blazer not only works for professional settings but I can pair it up with a cocktail dress and skinny pants on weekends. When it comes to buying a black blazer, versatility is key.

• Brown tweed blazer – A blazer like this particular one is a great alternative piece for my closet, especially when I am bored wearing the same blazer every day.

• Grey blazer – My grey blazer looks great on colorful spring and fall dresses. It definitely creates a nice balance to my overall outfit for work. It keeps the seriousness without losing my femininity.

• Black and white blazer My black and white blazer was an impulse buy. When I saw it for the first time at a store in Chicago, I thought “Old Hollywood.” It’s an item that has an easy sophistication feel to it.  Even though I might not wear my black and white blazer every day, it’s a piece that I won’t regret buying ten years down the road.

2. What does your bag say? A woman’s bag says a lot about the woman herself. When choosing a work bag, try to stay away from bold colors.  Look for a classic style that works for professional settings. Think Chanel, Fendi, Hermes, Louis Vuitton, Ralph Lauren or even Longchamp, if you can afford it. However, if you aren’t looking into spending a good amount of money on a work bag, always aim for basic colors like black, beige or brown. And, remember size is a key! Work bags shouldn’t be as big as a vacation tote.

3. What’s in your makeup bag? When was the last time you looked into your makeup bag and analyzed what really works for you and what doesn’t? A lot of women are so fixated on heavy makeup even at work that they forget the basic rules of makeup for work. An occasional red lipstick doesn’t hurt but remember to keep everything else subtle when sporting one.

4. Do you have the right shoes? Wearing the right shoes to work is important not only for safety reasons but also because it says a lot about the person wearing it.  If you work for a marketing/creative firm- you can experiment with your looks but if you work for a law firm, I’d suggest that you choose conventional pieces. However, a pair of black pumps never goes wrong. So, when in doubt- think black!

5. What about jewelry? Just because it blings doesn’t mean it‘s right for work. I don’t know if I would call myself, a “pearl lover” because I tend to love modern pieces. However, when it comes to work, I try to stay strategic and practical. Invest in pieces that are classy and elegant- something that wouldn’t look like you borrowed it from your 18 year-old-sister.

Remember, power dressing is all about making the right fashion choices with the right attitude.

Image of Hillary Clinton via

A few weeks ago, I had one of those “OMG! I’m in love moments”.  Through a random facebook invite, I heard about a local Asia Society event that was going to feature a new South Asian American author named Nina Godiwalla. Her book was called Suits and by reading a quick paragraph summary, I decided why not? She sounded sort of interesting.

What an understatement. If Nina Godiwalla ever were to come across this post, she might get a little creeped out by my gushing. Through my love goggles, I’ve determined Nina and I were fated to meet (she signed my book!). It’s uncanny how much I have in common with her and how much I want her life. Let’s start at the beginning.

One, she grew up in a suburb of Houston, TX. So did I.

Nina was one of four daughters born to Parsi (Persian-Indian) parents who had immigrated to a small suburb outside of Houston from India to find opportunity for their children. One of the only minorities in school, Nina tried her hardest to blend in and be popular. There was constant tension to balance her traditional parents with the wild and free life of an American kid. She grew up in the tight knit Parsi community which Nina describes as very focused on success. Aunties and Uncles were always trading stories on how successful their engineer-son or doctor-daughter was. This pressure for success carried Nina steadfast into the world of investment banking and is the premise of her debut novel, Suits.

She’s a Longhorn and attended McCombs School of Business. So did I.

At the University of Texas, Nina, like me, was thrown into the world of business where finance ruled and getting that job in New York was a dream come true. Of course, I decided to stick with marketing and ended up staying in Texas, while she made her dream come true and landed a prestigious finance internship at JP Morgan as their only freshman.

The novel opens with her walking down the concrete jungle of New York City to her first day of the internship. There she was immediately met with Juniors and Seniors of Ivy League schools all boasting of their credentials and shocked at Nina’s state school background. Most of them had never met anyone from “south of Pennsylvania”.  Even then, she quickly learned the ropes of the financial world and earned a glowing recommendation to come back.

In the working world, she battled long hours, a sexist corporate culture, and general unhappiness. So did I.

Again, I didn’t end up in the crazy world of Wall Street. Nina’s hours were insane compared to my first job in consulting. However, while listening to Nina speak and then reading her novel, I was blown away about how much of our experience was so similar. The premise that a company owns you, having to cancel dinner plans with friends/family because your boss gives you a last minute project, and just the sheer exhaustion after each and everyday was something I related well with.

Nina also described really well the sexist corporate culture that is so pervasive in much of the industry but is very rarely talked about. Nina had to play with the boys and listen to her bosses and associates talk about strip clubs, female conquests, and double standards. As a woman, she worked 50 times harder than her male colleagues just to prove herself worthy of the position. On top of that, she had to hide that she was a minority and never even mentioned that she was Indian for she quickly learned that being different was a considered a weakness. Nina could see herself changing and conforming to the world of bankers.

Nina at the Houston Asia Society book signing

After two years, she realized it wasn’t worth it. So did I.

Like Nina, after two plus years of my first full time job, I realized I was way too unhappy and took the biggest risk of my life. I quit my job. Similarly, Nina took a huge risk and opted to leave her group at Morgan Stanley. She feared her parents disappointment, the risk of leaving such a prestigious firm, and even letting herself down. At the end of the Suits, Nina comes to realize what really matters to her – family, friends, and sanity – and opts for a new opportunity at an investment firm that invested in woman- and minority-owned businesses.

In real life Nina took this opportunity to peruse her true interests and accomplish some pretty neat stuff. This is where my gushing and envy comes in. Instead of going to get her MBA right away, like her fellow investment bankers, Nina decided to get her Masters in Creative Writing at Dartmouth. Of course, she did later go to business school – at Wharton. After 10 plus years in the corporate world, Nina founded MindWorks, a consulting firm that teaches companies and business leaders how to incorporate concepts of meditation and self-awareness to become better leaders and handle the demands of the business world. Sigh, she’s everything I want to be in life.

Suits, is a wonderful novel for any young woman (or man!) who wants to learn about some of the hardships of the business world. When we’re in college, many of us are naive and are not prepared for what we might face when we enter a board room. Nina does an amazing job portraying what it’s like not only to be a South Asian, but also to be a woman in a world not designed for either group.

“Nina Godiwalla has given us a fascinating account of her rollercoaster ride as a young woman of color on Wall Street. At once hilarious and heartbreaking, this book about choices and their consequences is a gripping read.” — Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni, author of Mistress of Spices

Doctor, lawyer, engineer, businesswoman; take your pick.  These are some of the occupations that are commonly brought up in the typical South Asian household.  We have the freedom to choose one or the other, but if we decide to pursue anything that strays from these options too drastically, we may find ourselves caught in the middle of what seems like a losing battle.

I have experienced this firsthand while attending Stony Brook University, a school that is known for both its overwhelming South Asian population as well as the number of people who initially declare themselves to be pre-med.  Every semester I see individuals who rip their hair out trying to figure out a way to break the news to their parents that they cannot be pre-med anymore and every year there are some who accept they have no other choice but to fight through it because their parents will accept nothing less.

When I was younger, I decided I wanted to be a doctor.  Throughout my education, I pursued this desire and was fine until I reached college and had to battle through the deadly mechanisms and syntheses of organic chemistry.  This was the only time where I doubted my initial desire to become a doctor and tried to come up with other possible career options.

I am very open with my parents so I assumed they would understand my concerns; however when I approached them and suggested I try nursing or physical therapy instead, their reaction threw me off.  They would not hear me out and consistently reiterated the fact that becoming a doctor was MY choice and it was what I wanted to do and should do.  Nothing else would suffice because I had already declared that I wanted to do medicine and there was no turning back.  My father even threw out the good old “your family in India will be very disappointed if you don’t become a doctor” and my mother the “we will give you everything you want as long as you give us this one thing.”  After this conversation, sound sleep was something that I rarely got.

Since the talk about a possible career change with my parents, I reevaluated what I was really interested in.  I want to be able to interact with children ideally in the medical field, whether that be as a doctor, a healthcare professional, or even as a dance or music therapist.  I tried to tackle my parents one at a time since handling them both at the same time seemed to be a failure before.

I had a heartfelt talk with my mother about how strongly I feel about wanting to help children in whatever way I can.  I broke down the situation realistically and made it clear that becoming a doctor will not be easy and it may not even happen but that my education and major thus far will not let me down.  I explained to her that even if I do not become a doctor in life, I will not be a failure and most importantly I will not disappoint her because at the end of the day, my own happiness is important and it would be unfair for my mom to be dissatisfied with that.  It’s a small step but I have successfully been able to convince my mother. I have left my father for another day.

Over the last four weeks, my family has been very happy. Yes, we’ve had nonstop news of engagements! Needless to say, everyone is overjoyed with happiness. And why not? Marriage is every Desi parents dream for their child; especially their daughters. Cousin X has been looking for an eligible boy to wed for the last 2 years. She was all of 23 when she realized, she didn’t want a life of work and career. No siree. She wanted to marry and bask in the marital bliss away from the struggle of paying bills or achieving any goals. I was told by a relative, “Look at her! Doing the right thing. Why can’t you do the right thing?” Er, okay. And then cousin Y had a conversation with me claiming she had no intentions of working past her associates. “I don’t want to ever work,” she said to me, “I just want to chill and go for manicures.”

I’m sorry but something doesn’t sound right to me. Whatever happened to ambition, drive and passion? For a minute after these conversations, I literally went numb. All I could think about is how plain stupid these girls were. Not say that it isn’t right to marry; not at all. Marriage is an institute I believe in, but what does that have to do with ambition? Ultimately, it comes down to being plain lazy; which is what the girls above are. Today I stand, nearly 28, and am literally fighting my family to give me more time to follow my dreams. Every day I debate why marriage can wait and why I need one more day, week, month, year to fulfill what I’ve set out to do with my career. And here are these young girls who, in my opinion, are wasting away their lives.

After fuming to myself, I asked myself if that is what the current generation of young Desi girls have resort to: looking for the easy way out. And what have they done to the meaning of marriage? Last time I checked, marriage was a bond that involved love, emotion and even commitment. If you find yourself marrying for reasons other than the above ala “wanting regular manicures using hubby’s credit card,” then you a) are not ready to marry, and b) should question your reasons. What happens when the manicures get boring? Or what happens if hubby darling says one day, “Sorry honey, can’t afford your spa manicures anymore.” Look, ultimately ambitionless girls, I’m not ousting marriage. But if you’re sitting reading this and think that marriage is all about escaping a job, darling, you really are not doing anything for yourself. Instead I recommend you find a passion which you love so much; you’d do anything to achieve milestones in this field. Otherwise, ladies, you enjoy the manicures, tea parties and fancy life which a marriage can offer. But when it runs dry and boring, which it will, you’ll find yourself stuck in a rut.

My advice: passion, drive and ambition is a sexy trait for every woman. Find yours and implement into your life. Men will flock to you; no one likes a boring gold digger (gulp)!

Just saying,
Roshni

Anyone who knows me knows that I am absolutely obsessed with football (go Patriots!) and like any true sports fan, the successes and failures of my team can greatly affect my day, month, or even sometimes, my year (Giants v Patriots, anyone?). However, there is another game out there that influences the trajectory of women’s lives regardless of their affinity for the pigskin. This game doesn’t have a time limit or even cute boys running around in tight capri-like bottoms. It’s the same game that our mothers and their mothers have been playing for their whole lives. It’s the waiting game.

The notion of the waiting game (or as my friend calls it, “Sleeping Beauty Syndrome”) stems from the belief that women go through the motions of life, higher education, etc. just to find their “prince charming” and to eventually settle into gender roles. However, this phenomenon has taken on an interesting identity in Asian communities. Though research has shown that Asian women are one of the most educated segments of our population, they still seem to fall prey to the waiting game.

To be honest, I was very skeptical that the waiting game still existed. Unlike our predecessors from earlier generations, we, as Asian women, are encouraged to pursue higher educational opportunities and high-powered careers in medicine, business, and engineering. Ultimately, we are encouraged to be independent and financially successful – or so I thought. My enlightenment (as do many of them) occurred during a conversation with my mother. In efforts to persuade me to pursue a career in medicine she reasoned that “it was the perfect profession for a girl.”

Upon initial examination, my mother’s statement may seem ludicrous. After all, how are the long hours of medical school, residency, and fellowships conducive to starting a family (the supposed dream of all young girls)? However, the truth behind this declaration can be found in the minor limitations placed on such high-powered careers because of cultural expectations. In other words, though an Asian woman might have an M.D/PhD, it is more acceptable/likely that she will be a pediatrician, gynecologist, etc. than a neurosurgeon since a schedule filled with flu shots instead of craniotomies is more conducive to getting a cooker filled with rice on the dinner table by 5 pm (or in my house, 8 pm).  In turn, she is forced to wait; wait for her husband to come home from his more strenuous (but financially rewarding) job; or wait to climb her own professional ladder because she absolutely has to have kids before the age of thirty.

Though the circumstances under which we play this game have changed over the past several decades, the greater goals of this endeavor have stayed the same. In fact, one could argue that the only difference between iterations of the “waiting game” is that it is somewhat longer now than before. This might be in part due to the economy and the fact that even men are finding it harder to secure a steady job before settling down. Unfortunately, the strides that have been made by women into the professional sector are completely undermined if we continue to play this game. The only way that we can truly achieve equality is if we stop waiting and start moving.

How are they doing it? What obstacles are they facing? Can American women ever reach those heights?

Read the article here.

by Foram Mehta

Jewel-sized droplets of rain begin to pitter-patter on Brice Johnson’s head. A pesky bumblebee zooming around briefly interrupts his thoughts, but the disturbances are only external. His unwavering calm exudes from a place deep within, and he continues to recall memories of the long journey he’s made to his peaceful haven. He didn’t need his feet to help him get here because the journey was one of the heart and soul. This foggy trek was one to Jesus Christ.

The aspiring ministry worker is at a good point in his life. One may be surprised at this 22-year-old Indian American’s peace of mind considering what he’s been through. In the last year his parents ceased to support him financially, and somewhat emotionally, because he did something to disappoint them. No, Johnson didn’t get arrested, impregnate a girl, or even fail a class. His folly was a decision to pursue ministry work full-time. The once pre-med student found his calling doing God’s work full-time, much to his family’s disapproval. Though he regrets the estrangement from his family, he outwardly gives off no signal of sadness. Why? Because he says he has Jesus at his side.

Born into a Pentecostal Christian family, Johnson says Jesus always had a place in his life. He grew up attending church Queens, New York and in Dallas, where his family lives now. The people mostly around him were all Christian, and he loved it. Going to church, reading his Bible, saying his prayers everyday – this was a way of life.

As a child, he dreamed of becoming a paleontologist or an archaeologist – maybe even a forensic scientist. His traditional Indian family encouraged a career in medicine. He reconsidered and settled on his family’s suggestion. It was safe, and he would have a stable career. He had always wanted to help people with whatever he did, and becoming a doctor would fulfill his dream to heal the sick and help the less fortunate. Still, he wanted to go a step further; he wanted to do God’s work. Then in high school, he had an epiphany.

“It dawned on me to be a medical missionary, since it would satisfy that desire in me to do ministry work, [while satisfying] what everyone thought I should be doing in life – mainly [something in] medicine.”

Johnson says his religious family supported his decision – as long as he still pursued medicine. For years he fulfilled their wishes and continued steadfastly on the road to becoming Dr. Johnson.  After all, the Bible commands Christians to “Honor thy mother and thy father…” and Johnson was no one to disobey God’s word.

Fast forward to his college years. Johnson relished in freedom like any normal 18-year-old. He studied and partied, and had some fun. Old ways die hard, though, and Johnson always remembered to check off reading his Bible and saying his prayers the daily to-do list. Being a good Christian was still important to him as ever.

God came knocking halfway through Johnson’s college career while he was at an Urbana conference, a national meeting of intervarsity students to learn about local and international missionary work. Unprepared for the heavenly calling he was about to receive, Johnson said his world was thrown off its axis.

“At that point, I kind of felt God tugging at my heart to do full-time ministry,” Johnson remembers.

Confused about whether God was really speaking to him, or it was a manifestation of his self-doubt to work in medicine, Johnson continued on the path he had originally set out for himself. Johnson says God paid him another visit a year and half later. This time doubt had no home in his heart, and he knew what he had to do.

“I was at this retreat, and I had to kind of ask God, ‘What are some areas of my life I’m not giving up to?’ I’m sitting there thinking and I heard [something] just short of the audible voice of God say, ‘Your future is Me,’ and that just floored me. [I was] brought to my knees in tears.”

Johnson recalls experiencing spiritual enlightenment juxtaposed with a surge of sheer panic. He was in disbelief that God was speaking to him but couldn’t help wondering about the uncertainty of his new future.

“I thought – oh my gosh, I’m going to have to give up this career and this future that I was banking on to pay off my college loans. I didn’t know how to tell my parents.”

Johnson changed his major from biology to religious studies soon thereafter, much to his parents’ disapproval. They told him they would no longer support him financially if he didn’t get back on his original track to medical school. Johnson, torn between honoring his parents’ wishes and following his heart, chose the rockier path. Although he felt like he was, in a way, going against God’s word to honor his parents’ wishes, he was sure God was leading him down another path.

The chasm led to great heartache for Johnson, which was soon made worse by his financial problems. He eventually dropped out of UT-Austin and began working full-time as a salesman to support his living expenses. The economic distress and estrangement from his parents has unsurprisingly taken a toll on Johnson, but his strong spirit and faith in God keep him treading on.

A close friend and mentor, John Sleeba of Austin, has been a source of comfort for Johnson through the process because his circumstances were very similar. Sleeba said his own calling from God and subsequent rift from his family years ago have helped him guide Johnson through his rough patch.

“I’ve had the opportunity to help Brice understand what it means to be a follower of Jesus and really make his own decision to follow Jesus in his life,” said Sleeba, a in an e-mail interview. “Brice’s faith should be giving him confidence to work through this hard time. Nowhere is it promised in the Bible by God that just because you follow Him, it will be like living in paradise…It’s the next part of our life where we are in God’s presence in Heaven that life will be carefree without problems…I’m sure Jesus is comforting him through this situation and will teach him valuable lessons that will help him as his life continues.”

Johnson hopes one day he will be able to attend seminary and become a missionary. For the time being, he finds solace in singing and playing music. Some days he writes poetry or writes in his journal. Mostly though, he keeps faith – endless, unwavering faith that eventually the broken pieces of his life will fall into place, and he will walk hand in hand with his savior. His journey ahead may seem formidable to some, but for Johnson, the difficult path is long behind him. His life’s purpose is crystal clear, and that’s enough for now.

by Sunita Dharani

photographs by Thuy Ly

The end of the school year can bring about high levels of anxiety for college seniors-professors stacking exams and projects back-to-back, decisions arrive for graduate programs and job interviews, and the ever imminent graduation itself. It is within the past year, especially after the real-estate bubble burst, that college graduates have found a new item of worry to tack onto their list: finding their way back home. More specifically, a dim future of job leads and rising costs of standard of living have forced numerous graduates to rethink striking out on their own after their walk across the stage. As the New York Post stated in June of 2008, approximately 48% of the class of 2008 planned to return living with their parents after graduation, a continuing trend from the classes of previous years, only to increase further this spring as well. Many students are unable to simultaneously saddle college debt in addition to finding a job and place to live. Instead, after four years of living on their own, young adults are packing their bags to return back to their childhood homes and to their parents’ open arms.

The American cultural norm places the expectation upon parents and children to become independent-financially, socially, and psychologically-at a young age. In fact, this concept is implanted into the psyche from an age when children can barely walk. Such a virtue is not entirely encouraged within South Asian culture. On the contrary, Indian parents prefer to keep their children at home for as long as possible, until of course, the inevitable day their child leaves due to marriage. However, for those college students who have managed to somehow escape from home at least for the duration of their undergraduate years, the news of having to possibly move home comes as a shock. A seemingly impossible situation arises: how do you continue an independent lifestyle with the constant glances of your parents in the background? It does become slightly inconvenient when you have one foot out the door on your way to a job interview, and your mother stops you in order to play her worry-filled version of “Twenty Questions.” Not only does she want to know where you are going, but also the why, when you plan on returning, and if you can stop by the Indian grocery store to pick up some nihari spices. While you are busy explaining to her from beginning to end the story of what the next three hours will consist of, one look at your wrist indicates you are already fifteen minutes late for the interview. Such situations extend out from the professional life you pursue to even your personal. Club-hopping and your usual Friday night activities may quickly change to a certain extent, at least to become more accommodating to the wishes of your parents. Stumbling in at 3 a.m. with a stranger on your arm into the front hallway, your father hiding behind the kitchen door with a broom handle is not the most appealing image to come home to.

Michelle Singletary, from the Boston Globe, recommends sustaining that same level of independence between all adults in the household. For example, having the children pay for a portion of rent, discussing their options in regards to rules of the household, as well as determining how long the stay is intended to be. While the last thing a new graduate wants is to be living at home till she’s 25 years old, parents will take it to be beneficial for all parties.

“I think it’s great if my son returns home,” Sana Virani. speaks of her son’s plans to live at home temporarily until he lands a steady job. According to her, and many other South Asian parents, living at home as adults will allow for an improved relationship and also help forge a new bond . Sana’s husband, Atif, agrees that he will now be able to spend time with his son that was previously unavailable while he was in school. They agree-including their son-that boundaries will be set up so that neither one of the parents infringe upon their son’s privacy. After all, he is an adult, they say.

Perhaps in these sluggish economic times, for those young adults who are tempted to simply live with the bare essentials and 14 roommates rather than move-in with mom and dad, a peaceful arrangement can be reached. Approach your parents with the mindset that you will be expected to behave as you would be on anyone else’s property. Treat the transaction as that-a business deal between two parties, so that in the long run, you are able to live in peace and independence without griping about the conditions. If things don’t happen to work out, there is always the possibility of obtaining 14 other roommates to share a place with.

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