“Mom, Dad, you don’t get it!”

I’m sure we’ve all heard this phrase leave our mouths or even had to bite our tongues when wanting to say it numerous times.  Growing up in a South Asian household while going to school in a Western environment inevitably leads to misunderstandings and assumptions from both sides of the family.  Finding a balance and assimilating to both cultures serves as a difficult obstacle for many.  For some it appears easy but quarrels over misunderstandings are always present.

Some of these misunderstanding are extremely serious and play a major role in our futures and some of these misunderstandings are just plain annoying and frustrating leading you to want to pull all of your hair out and constantly utter to yourself, “Why me?” Today, you may catch yourself blaming any signs of awkwardness that surface in your present self on these grueling scenarios family members have made you endure during your childhood.

Molly Ringwald's Samantha is embarrassed by her family in Sixteen Candles

South Asian parents begin early when it comes to tactfully placing you in environments where you feel the ultimate experience of discomfort.  There is a reason why as we get older and older, fewer of us still attend South Asian lunches and dinners at banquet halls or restaurants.

Why is this?  Have you ever been out with your family to an invitation at a restaurant and as soon as your folks spot another fairly young looking individual, they immediately announce (very loudly so the other children can hear as well) that they have found a friend for you and that you should sit at a table with your new ‘friend’ and talk and ‘have fun’?  They do not even give you the chance to retaliate because now it would just be plain rude to say you don’t want to since the entire restaurant has heard what you WILL be doing for the next five hours of your life.  Sure it’s easy for your parents to do this, they already have their friends to chat with which you a little angrily observe while sitting in awkward silence with a bunch of strangers that you have only maybe seen once before in your life.  Because of this, it is not uncommon to see South Asians from our generation immediately dodging anyone and anything that our parents can group us with even today.

Somehow we doubt having a heart to heart talk with our parents would change their behavior

It does not stop there however.  South Asian parents can even make you feel awkward when you are alone with them in the comfort of your own home.  Growing up in a South Asian household, long distance phone calls characterized by the iconic speaking in voices that are ten decibels louder than normal phone voices is more than common.  Parents may wonder why miraculously, every time one of these phone calls take place, all their children bolt to use the bathroom or magically have a whole bunch of homework to do that requires undivided attention.  Sure they are your family from the homeland but the distance plays a huge role and for some reason, parents find it difficult to get that being forced to have a conversation with someone who you don’t really know is actually quite difficult.

Situations like these happen every day in the lives of South Asian youth growing up.  We even know when we are about to find ourselves in situations like these.  Why do we still endure the trauma?  Because it makes our parents happy.  They find pleasure and comfort in knowing that they are able to keep their children in touch with what they know and associate with others who are engrossed in our culture.  And we, just like in numerous other cases, follow along, and endure the awkwardness in order to satisfy our elders.

Dr. Gyanam Mahajan is the language Program Coordinator for SSEALC and she teaches Hindi-Urdu and South Asian Language and Culture classes at UCLA.  She holds a Ph.D. in Linguistics and has been teaching at UCLA since 1992. As an Indian mother of a daughter who currently attends a Top Ten university (“without ever being punished,” she adds), as well as an active participant in debate with Indian parents, Mahajan has an intimate view into the uniquely “Indian” parenting style.  I interview her about  reaction to Amy Chua’s article “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior,” printed in the Wall Street Journal earlier this month and this is what she had to say.

Gyanam Mahajan (GM): I was looking up the World Wildlife Fund and it was saying that India is the last great refuge for tigers.  So, my first reaction, because they’re referring to this article as “Tiger Mothers,” is this a misappropriation of the term!  If anyone’s a tiger-mom it’s me! (laughs)  How can you take away the term from us?  It’s not fair.  What are we? Monkey Moms or Rhino Moms, if we’re not Tiger Moms? So, I actually settled on Rhino-Mom.

Nadya Agrawal (NA): That’s perfect, I’ll refer to Indian moms as “Rhino Mothers” from now on.

GM: And then the worst thing was, she said like in the second line or something that this [article] applies not only to Chinese mothers, but to Korean and Indian mothers as well.  So, there are a couple of responses.  Number one, don’t talk about me! You know, leave it to me to talk about me.  But the other thing is, contrary to the title of the article, this is not about Chinese mothers.  Parts of it, every group of parents identifies with.  Like Tom Brokaw saying, “Oh, I didn’t realize I had a Chinese mother.”  This is about some specific mothers.

NA: Some specific style of parenting, right?

GM: Exactly.  So it’s going contrary to the thesis, which is that there is a specific style of parenting called—you know, you can call it the “Chinese” parenting or whatever, and that style is superior to other styles.  But right there there’s a contradiction because it’s an acknowledgement that there is no such thing and that it depends on a specific group of people or type of people—and, if one takes that argument further, because she starts giving personal examples, it might be specific to her then.  Then there goes the whole [article] because now it’s not a scientific article, according to me.

NA: When reading this article, were there particular parts that you found were unrealistic?

GM: Given that she is a professor at Yale, I find it very difficult to believe that she doesn’t have empathy for her larger set of kids.  Just gleaning it from how she treated or own daughters, especially that part where she calls her daughter “garbage,” I mean, I can’t even imagine doing that not only with my own daughter, but I can’t even imagine doing that with any of my students.  If you’re teaching at such a big institution, aren’t you familiar with being empathetic with a whole lot of kids?  You know, I wonder how her daughters are reacting to it.

NA: That’s one of the major responses to the article, like, people think her daughters will be scarred for life or they’ll grow up in some sort of affected way.

GM: She thinks not.

NA: What do you think about it?

GM: I think the daughters are in on it.  I mean, come on, they must be—this is a concerted effort to have a best seller.  It’s based on a book that’s supposed to come out, right?  Do you know her husband also has written a book? And it’s very successful.

NA: So, you think this article is mainly a publicity stunt?

GM: Yes.  It’s too extreme and it’s not very realistic. When I first read it, I thought it was a joke article, and it turns out it’s funny only in the sense that she’s laughing her way to the bank. (laughter) So, her book has become a best seller.  So once I realized that she was probably not kidding, I actually got scared because it says “Indian parents”. So I always have this horrible impression that Indian parents are reading it and going ‘Oh my goodness, this is what I’m supposed to be doing? And I’ve not been doing half of these things!’  This would justify their past egregious actions and even take them further.

NA: What egregious actions?

GM: I think that while Indian parents might only do some of the things listed there, she’s probably right about Indian parents not allowing sleepovers.  A lot of Indian parents do not allow sleepovers.  However, while Indian parents may not take it to the extreme that she has given, there is another layer to Indian parents, which may not be there with certain other groups, which is this gender difference.  Reading the article, I’m saying this, she is consistent over genders.  Or maybe she just has two daughters, I don’t know.  But she doesn’t mention this about Chinese mothers; For Indians, the son may be allowed sleepovers, but the daughter isn’t.  Boys are allowed to do certain things, which girls are not, even with something like dating.  Indian parents are very clear with girls about whom they hang out with or where they hang out.  This goes to ridiculous extents too, like no boys allowed in their study groups.  On this issue, Indian parents are actually worse than maybe other groups of parents.

NA: Hasn’t there been some change in that, though?  Like within a lot of modern Indian-American families, both parents work so they probably don’t have time to be so overbearing.

GM: Generally, girls whose mothers work have it slightly easier because their mothers have seen far more and have had more interactions.  They’re slightly more open-minded than mothers who stay at home.  There are mothers who don’t know what other girls the same age are wearing or doing.

NA: What do you think about her stance on punishment?  How do Indian parents punish their kids, generally?

GM: Just a few months ago, my daughter was sitting in her college computer science class and they were talking about punishment for middle school and high school kids.  My daughter told them that she’d never been punished in her life and they were all shocked.  I even had the computer science professor calling me and telling me this.  And I mean, how do you punish a high school kid?  He told me, “Yeah, she said she wasn’t even ever sent to her room.”  And I was like, “Why would I send her to her room?  She’d only be too happy to go!  The real punishment would be to say ‘Sit down and eat with us.  Sit here and talk to us.’”  On the other hand, I do know, in our community, hitting is considered nothing.  But, as kids grow older, parents do tend to back off a bit.  It’s very unusual for high school kids to be hit in their homes, but we’re not talking about abuse cases.  There’s a lot of parental control and there’s a lot of yelling.  We love to yell.  I mean, I’ve yelled a lot.

NA: What would you say is a particular trait of Indian parenting, separate from this “Chinese Mother” way?

GM: She doesn’t really talk about this, but as an Indian parent, I feel like for us it’s not just about our kids but we’re almost always more concerned about other Indian kids.  For example, many of my students tell me this, but even if you go to the temple or the Islamic community center or something, the ‘Aunty Effect’ kicks in.  I wrote an article about this a little while ago.  The kids are not so scared of their own parents, but they’re outright scared of aunties and what the aunties will ask them or what they’ll do.  It takes a village to raise a child.  It’s extended parenting.  You’re answerable to so many.  Many people are keeping tabs on you, give you, unsolicited or solicited advice, and they’re harsher on you than your parents are.

NA: What part do you think Indian-American kids play in the parenting process?  I mean, in this article they seem to alternate between being forced to do things they don’t want and ultimately obeying.

GM: The kids give up a lot.  I know kids who got into universities where they wanted to go, but they weren’t allowed to.  Even at the graduate level.  I’m writing letters of recommendation right now, and I have kids who aren’t allowed to apply to the East Coast.  There’s so much evaluation going on, on the parent by other parents.  Half the things Indian parents do by way of parenting is because of pressure from other parents.  It’s not so much that they believe in it, it’s more like peer pressure.

NA: What do you think the lasting effects are on the kids?  Or what are the lasting effects on the culture?

GM: It reinforces this notion of success.  The Indian-American community, according to me, is growing.  With the rise of people like Kal Penn, people do come to accept that there are other things one can do in life to be successful.

NA: Besides being an engineer, lawyer, or doctor?

GM: Exactly.  Or that it is respectable because now he’s in the White House.  Even now, you’re seeing so many more Indians on TV, like in Parks and Recreation or The Office where they’re not being typecast as speaking with an Indian accent.  You see seven or eight prominent Indians within entertainment—like Russell Peters who’s one of the highest paid comedians.  He’s not just popular among the South Asian community, either.

NA: So, if people like this are becoming big, then the Indian-American parenting style must be changing, right?

GM: Yes, but if an article like this, though, is taken seriously by the Indian-American community, it’ll push us back to the stereotypical things of being a doctor, lawyer, or engineer.  People are becoming more open-minded.  A lot of these things wouldn’t have happened if people weren’t changing or kids weren’t changing.  Parents are changing.  The next generation is changing; it’s indeed different from the last.

NA: Well, that goes into my next question.  Do you think that this controlling parenting style will last?  Or do you think it’ll die out with the next generation with us?

GM: It’s a reality with any group.  All Americans, not just hyphenated ones, are changing.  We’re also mixing a lot.  More languages are being taught right now that at any other point in U.S. history.  The next generation is likely to be more American, because it’s more mixed, in a nicer, different way.  It’s going to evolve.  Maybe they might adopt parts of this article or different parenting styles, and maybe it’s for the better.

When I suggested to my mom that I be allowed to wear a sari to her cousin’s wedding in Pakistan this summer, I was surprised to see such a puzzled expression on her face.

“A sari?” she said with a chuckle. “We’ll go clothes shopping together when you come visit.”

In her usual subtle way, she maneuvered the situation so that any outfit I picked out to wear to the wedding would be prescreened and mom-approved. She changed the subject of our conversation to discussing my little brother’s daily antics, and I was left with a head buzzing with thoughts of why my wearing a sari was so out of the question.

I thought back to my first visit to Pakistan in 2008. I remembered seeing the latest styles of shalwar kameez in all the markets and store windows. The women of Karachi formed a vibrant rainbow of shalwar kameez colors and patterns, and there was even the occasional progressive-minded woman boldly strolling by in a T-shirt and jeans – but where were all the saris? How could a garment so traditional become so minute in such a large part of the subcontinent?

My curiosity sent me poring over the internet for articles about the history of the sari. I was stunned when I learned that when Pakistan was founded as a Muslim nation in 1947, the nation’s first lady Fatima Jinnah publicly denounced the garment as unpatriotic. She implied that saris were the traditional dress of Hindus and therefore inappropriate attire for the Muslim women of Pakistan.

I felt a pang of sadness when I read that some elderly Pakistani women still regularly wear saris because they are used to wearing them from pre-Partition days. I thought of my grandma who passed away a few years ago, and how my entire life, I never saw her wear anything but saris. She just wasn’t comfortable in anything else. Her saris were a part of her identity. They were part of all the traditions, customs, and ancient ways of life she carried with her. From India to Pakistan to America, she wore them so instinctively and gracefully. She knew just how to tuck them out of the way when doing housework. She could modestly drape the end piece over her head when reciting a prayer. Her elegance is what defined the beauty of the sari for me, and that elegance is what I wanted to celebrate by wearing one for the first time this summer.

Maybe it is just my naivety as an American-born South Asian girl about all of the social and political etiquettes that silently govern our part of the world, but I don’t see any reason why it shouldn’t be acceptable for me to wear a sari to the wedding. I understand that because my mom grew up in Pakistan, she has a much clearer understanding of what the accepted norms are there. That’s what she is trying to help me grapple with when she forbids me from doing or wearing something unconventional. I know she doesn’t want anyone to perceive me as backwards or odd. But if I have it my way, I’m going to stick to my belief that what is popularly accepted is not always right, and I hope that on my visit to Karachi this summer, I get my first chance to wear one of these beautiful ancient dresses that have been hidden away in the folds of Pakistan’s past.

In the latest hit Hindi movie, 3 Idiots, main character Rancho (played by hottie Aamir Khan) encourages his two friends to let go of stress in their prestigious engineering college and pursue their dreams free from obligations.

I saw the movie with my parents.  On the ride home, I told them I want to give up my corporate career to become a wildlife photographer like Rancho’s friend Farhan (R. Madhavan).  My dad said I was free to do whatever I chose.  But 5 years ago, when I was a senior in high school trying to decide my major, they were singing another tune.

In the film, 3 intelligent, hardworking students commit or attempt suicide because of the pressure to do well.  And the film repeats the message many of us, even those who grew up in the US, heard growing up: the goal is to get into a good college, succeed there, and then get a “good” job.  Everything was dedicated to this goal and everything else extraneous.

When I was growing up, all the Indian adults I knew were doctors and professors. In the university town I was born and raised in, high-achieving Indians were the norm and almost all of them are now in medical school, with a few in law school or other graduate programs.

In high school, I wanted to be a journalist and applied to college with journalism as my intended major.  I ended up switching to business my freshman year.  Though my decision was all my own, I wonder how much subconscious pressure from the community played into my choice.

I am now a management consultant working for a prestigious firm.  But my mother continues to ask me about my plans for graduate school and eagerly informs me every time another childhood friend graduates from medical school or becomes an associate professor of mathematics.

But maybe movies like 3 Idiots prove life in India and by proxy Indian Americans really are changing.  Rancho encourages his friends to pursue their passions, and proves they are more successful when they are comfortable and self-confident.

Of course, stereotypes aren’t over.  Even if an Indian chooses an untraditional, not secure career path, being extremely successful is a base requirement, not a pie in the sky dream. By the end of the film, Farhan the aspiring photographer is revealed to be extremely successful with a bevy of books to his name.  Raju, who obtained an high-status engineering post by finally being honest about his personality in his interview, writes for a popular blog (apparently in addition to his engineering work). And Rancho himself is a scientist with hundreds of patents to his name.

Enjoying your work appears to be a goal, excelling is a requirement.  While I am proud of the progress the Indian community has made, I look forward to a future where Indians in practice and in action believe personal happiness is more important than bragging rights.

by Foram Mehta

Jewel-sized droplets of rain begin to pitter-patter on Brice Johnson’s head. A pesky bumblebee zooming around briefly interrupts his thoughts, but the disturbances are only external. His unwavering calm exudes from a place deep within, and he continues to recall memories of the long journey he’s made to his peaceful haven. He didn’t need his feet to help him get here because the journey was one of the heart and soul. This foggy trek was one to Jesus Christ.

The aspiring ministry worker is at a good point in his life. One may be surprised at this 22-year-old Indian American’s peace of mind considering what he’s been through. In the last year his parents ceased to support him financially, and somewhat emotionally, because he did something to disappoint them. No, Johnson didn’t get arrested, impregnate a girl, or even fail a class. His folly was a decision to pursue ministry work full-time. The once pre-med student found his calling doing God’s work full-time, much to his family’s disapproval. Though he regrets the estrangement from his family, he outwardly gives off no signal of sadness. Why? Because he says he has Jesus at his side.

Born into a Pentecostal Christian family, Johnson says Jesus always had a place in his life. He grew up attending church Queens, New York and in Dallas, where his family lives now. The people mostly around him were all Christian, and he loved it. Going to church, reading his Bible, saying his prayers everyday – this was a way of life.

As a child, he dreamed of becoming a paleontologist or an archaeologist – maybe even a forensic scientist. His traditional Indian family encouraged a career in medicine. He reconsidered and settled on his family’s suggestion. It was safe, and he would have a stable career. He had always wanted to help people with whatever he did, and becoming a doctor would fulfill his dream to heal the sick and help the less fortunate. Still, he wanted to go a step further; he wanted to do God’s work. Then in high school, he had an epiphany.

“It dawned on me to be a medical missionary, since it would satisfy that desire in me to do ministry work, [while satisfying] what everyone thought I should be doing in life – mainly [something in] medicine.”

Johnson says his religious family supported his decision – as long as he still pursued medicine. For years he fulfilled their wishes and continued steadfastly on the road to becoming Dr. Johnson.  After all, the Bible commands Christians to “Honor thy mother and thy father…” and Johnson was no one to disobey God’s word.

Fast forward to his college years. Johnson relished in freedom like any normal 18-year-old. He studied and partied, and had some fun. Old ways die hard, though, and Johnson always remembered to check off reading his Bible and saying his prayers the daily to-do list. Being a good Christian was still important to him as ever.

God came knocking halfway through Johnson’s college career while he was at an Urbana conference, a national meeting of intervarsity students to learn about local and international missionary work. Unprepared for the heavenly calling he was about to receive, Johnson said his world was thrown off its axis.

“At that point, I kind of felt God tugging at my heart to do full-time ministry,” Johnson remembers.

Confused about whether God was really speaking to him, or it was a manifestation of his self-doubt to work in medicine, Johnson continued on the path he had originally set out for himself. Johnson says God paid him another visit a year and half later. This time doubt had no home in his heart, and he knew what he had to do.

“I was at this retreat, and I had to kind of ask God, ‘What are some areas of my life I’m not giving up to?’ I’m sitting there thinking and I heard [something] just short of the audible voice of God say, ‘Your future is Me,’ and that just floored me. [I was] brought to my knees in tears.”

Johnson recalls experiencing spiritual enlightenment juxtaposed with a surge of sheer panic. He was in disbelief that God was speaking to him but couldn’t help wondering about the uncertainty of his new future.

“I thought – oh my gosh, I’m going to have to give up this career and this future that I was banking on to pay off my college loans. I didn’t know how to tell my parents.”

Johnson changed his major from biology to religious studies soon thereafter, much to his parents’ disapproval. They told him they would no longer support him financially if he didn’t get back on his original track to medical school. Johnson, torn between honoring his parents’ wishes and following his heart, chose the rockier path. Although he felt like he was, in a way, going against God’s word to honor his parents’ wishes, he was sure God was leading him down another path.

The chasm led to great heartache for Johnson, which was soon made worse by his financial problems. He eventually dropped out of UT-Austin and began working full-time as a salesman to support his living expenses. The economic distress and estrangement from his parents has unsurprisingly taken a toll on Johnson, but his strong spirit and faith in God keep him treading on.

A close friend and mentor, John Sleeba of Austin, has been a source of comfort for Johnson through the process because his circumstances were very similar. Sleeba said his own calling from God and subsequent rift from his family years ago have helped him guide Johnson through his rough patch.

“I’ve had the opportunity to help Brice understand what it means to be a follower of Jesus and really make his own decision to follow Jesus in his life,” said Sleeba, a in an e-mail interview. “Brice’s faith should be giving him confidence to work through this hard time. Nowhere is it promised in the Bible by God that just because you follow Him, it will be like living in paradise…It’s the next part of our life where we are in God’s presence in Heaven that life will be carefree without problems…I’m sure Jesus is comforting him through this situation and will teach him valuable lessons that will help him as his life continues.”

Johnson hopes one day he will be able to attend seminary and become a missionary. For the time being, he finds solace in singing and playing music. Some days he writes poetry or writes in his journal. Mostly though, he keeps faith – endless, unwavering faith that eventually the broken pieces of his life will fall into place, and he will walk hand in hand with his savior. His journey ahead may seem formidable to some, but for Johnson, the difficult path is long behind him. His life’s purpose is crystal clear, and that’s enough for now.

by Sunita Dharani

photographs by Thuy Ly

The end of the school year can bring about high levels of anxiety for college seniors-professors stacking exams and projects back-to-back, decisions arrive for graduate programs and job interviews, and the ever imminent graduation itself. It is within the past year, especially after the real-estate bubble burst, that college graduates have found a new item of worry to tack onto their list: finding their way back home. More specifically, a dim future of job leads and rising costs of standard of living have forced numerous graduates to rethink striking out on their own after their walk across the stage. As the New York Post stated in June of 2008, approximately 48% of the class of 2008 planned to return living with their parents after graduation, a continuing trend from the classes of previous years, only to increase further this spring as well. Many students are unable to simultaneously saddle college debt in addition to finding a job and place to live. Instead, after four years of living on their own, young adults are packing their bags to return back to their childhood homes and to their parents’ open arms.

The American cultural norm places the expectation upon parents and children to become independent-financially, socially, and psychologically-at a young age. In fact, this concept is implanted into the psyche from an age when children can barely walk. Such a virtue is not entirely encouraged within South Asian culture. On the contrary, Indian parents prefer to keep their children at home for as long as possible, until of course, the inevitable day their child leaves due to marriage. However, for those college students who have managed to somehow escape from home at least for the duration of their undergraduate years, the news of having to possibly move home comes as a shock. A seemingly impossible situation arises: how do you continue an independent lifestyle with the constant glances of your parents in the background? It does become slightly inconvenient when you have one foot out the door on your way to a job interview, and your mother stops you in order to play her worry-filled version of “Twenty Questions.” Not only does she want to know where you are going, but also the why, when you plan on returning, and if you can stop by the Indian grocery store to pick up some nihari spices. While you are busy explaining to her from beginning to end the story of what the next three hours will consist of, one look at your wrist indicates you are already fifteen minutes late for the interview. Such situations extend out from the professional life you pursue to even your personal. Club-hopping and your usual Friday night activities may quickly change to a certain extent, at least to become more accommodating to the wishes of your parents. Stumbling in at 3 a.m. with a stranger on your arm into the front hallway, your father hiding behind the kitchen door with a broom handle is not the most appealing image to come home to.

Michelle Singletary, from the Boston Globe, recommends sustaining that same level of independence between all adults in the household. For example, having the children pay for a portion of rent, discussing their options in regards to rules of the household, as well as determining how long the stay is intended to be. While the last thing a new graduate wants is to be living at home till she’s 25 years old, parents will take it to be beneficial for all parties.

“I think it’s great if my son returns home,” Sana Virani. speaks of her son’s plans to live at home temporarily until he lands a steady job. According to her, and many other South Asian parents, living at home as adults will allow for an improved relationship and also help forge a new bond . Sana’s husband, Atif, agrees that he will now be able to spend time with his son that was previously unavailable while he was in school. They agree-including their son-that boundaries will be set up so that neither one of the parents infringe upon their son’s privacy. After all, he is an adult, they say.

Perhaps in these sluggish economic times, for those young adults who are tempted to simply live with the bare essentials and 14 roommates rather than move-in with mom and dad, a peaceful arrangement can be reached. Approach your parents with the mindset that you will be expected to behave as you would be on anyone else’s property. Treat the transaction as that-a business deal between two parties, so that in the long run, you are able to live in peace and independence without griping about the conditions. If things don’t happen to work out, there is always the possibility of obtaining 14 other roommates to share a place with.

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