I’m 18 and live in a Chicago college dorm. I like a few boys I see in my building and don’t consider myself shy really but I just don’t know what to say to them first or how to make them know I’m interested. What can I do? thank you or any tips. P.S. I’m studying sociology.

Dear beta,

Thanks for this question.

First, allow me to channel my mother for a brief moment. She would say the following: please ensure you keep on track with your studies, come what may in the future! I had to say that, her voice was blaring in my mind. This happens once you get a little older.

Now, I want to address your question further. I have lived in dorms and I remember what this feeling is like. We all know what the feeling is: that nervousness in your stomach, the dry mouth like sandpaper that refuses to speak and your concentration scattered like so many marbles.

Remember, you are a lovely, smart woman and who has many interesting things to say to anyone. You said you are studying Sociology. Perhaps you could start a conversation about one of your classes? Is there something note-worthy that you’ve learned in one of your classes recently? You could start a conversation about something like that.

Another thing to keep in mind is that most everyone, boys included, like to talk about themselves. You could ask them what they are studying or you could ask them about what their other interests are. Does he play sports? Does he write in his spare time? You might find that there are things that both of you have in common, which might lead to endless topics of conversation. Do take note if he talks about himself endlessly without asking about you. This is a sign of an especially self-centered person, beta, in my experience.

There are also other things you have in common. You live in the same building, right? You could talk about events happening on campus (mentioning events can always conveniently lead to an invitation) or the food they serve in your dorm. Is there a meal they serve that is truly despicable? There probably is. Is there a social butterfly that everyone knows? You could always ask if one of these boys knows that person if you do.

One more thing to keep in mind is that boys are people, too. They have the same feelings we do. They get tongue-tied and unbearably nervous around attractive people, too. They wonder how to talk to the pretty girl or cute guy in the dorm, too. So, just remember that you aren’t alone in feeling this way. One of these guys may very well feel the same way about starting a conversation with you.

A philosophy graduate of an esteemed  liberal arts college for women, Seema Aunty has dedicated her career thus far in promoting causes for young women and the South Asian community. With a strong knowledge base formed from her own experiences growing up in a South Asian household, Seema Aunty advises young women on a variety of topics, ranging from family, relationships, and culture.

In her own words: “I know it is hard to reconcile the idea of rugged individualism with conservative desi values. Growing up was difficult. It isn’t easy to find a place for oneself in this world when we hear mixed messages about who and how we are supposed to be. I hope that what I have learned from my own life might be of some interest to young women who are now coping with difficult issues.”

If you would like Seema Aunty to answer your burning questions, please feel free to write to her at seemaaunty@browngirlmagazine.com. All submissions will be kept confidential.

Since BG’s inception, we have had many, many readers send us comments about the sticky topic of interracial relationships. Girls have asked for advice, shared their own stories, and even left advice for girls in facing the same dilemmas. There is a wide array of stories, ranging from happy, sad, frustrating, to inspiring.

Many outside of the South Asian community are amazed that in 2011 interracial relationships would be examined with such scrutiny. Its a sad fact that many Brown Girls have dealt with quite a bit of drama when it comes to dating someone outside of the community. But on the other hand, there are some great stories of how these relationships have worked out so well.

We at BG thought it would be great to stir up the discussion by sharing some stories from the “other side”- non-South Asians talking about their experiences with Brown Girls. We hope to feature stories the challenges of interracial relationships as well as show how they can be possible! Most of all, its always an interesting to hear what guys think!

To start, we have one of our own staffer’s BF talk a little bit about his relationship and what he’s learned from dating a Brown Girl. Meet Andrew Otis, beau of Sheela Lal.

Who are you currently dating and for how long?

I’m dating a fantastic lady named Sheela Lal. We’ve been dating since July 2010.

What were some of the barriers to overcome in order to be in this relationship?
The biggest barrier might have been meeting her father. But that was easily overcome! Sheela and I were traveling in India, and I was having all sorts of digestive troubles (It’s India, hey). She suggested that the best way for me to meet her father, a doctor, was to have me Skype him about all the diarrhea and other stomach problems I was having. It was a very awkward conversation, the first meet-the-parents talk being about my poo. But I think he likes me now.

What is your cultural background? Do you find there are similarities that help make the relationship work?

My mother is ethnically Jewish and I suppose my father is a WASP. We’re not very culturally attuned as a family other than that we usually celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas because those holidays have presents. I think our differing cultural backgrounds, ethnicity wise neither help nor hurt. They just are. But they certainly give us things to talk about: I know more now about Salman Khan’s biceps than I would ever care to know, or how cute Abhy Deol is. What’s more important are other similarities that we have, such as values, or what we like to do with our time.

How do you feel about the cultural differences? Are they apparent on a day to day basis or do they hardly come up?

Cultural differences seem to arise mostly with her family’s values on relationships. The fact that she is dating me presents problems. Mostly along the lines that no one outside her immediate family should know that I exist. Generally, though, it’s not really a problem.

Do you feel like everyone is always watching you or paying you too much heed because you’re in a relationship with someone of South Asian decent?

Hah. No. Well, except in India. Then *everybody* is watching you.

What do your friends (both South Asian and not) think of your significant other’s background? Did anyone ever say maybe this is or isn’t a good idea?

My friends are very supportive, and they usually don’t mention her ethnic background, except for the comments that I went to India and found myself an Indian girlfriend (Sheela and I met in Hyderabad. She goes to the University of Missouri and we met studying abroad). They have told me that she’s a keeper, so that must be a good sign!

My mother’s main comment is that she thinks that brown parents inexplicably don’t let their children drive on the interstate. Otherwise, I think that’s about her only gripe, and she enjoys the fact that she and Sheela can team up and torment me together.

What advice would you have for a guy who may be interested in dating
a Brown Girl?

I never set out to date a brown person. At no point did I think to myself: “I’m going to exclusively pursue South Asian women.” That’s just silly. (In fact, I wasn’t doing a particularly good job at pursuing anybody). Be open, who you’re willing to date and realize that her culture may be a lot different than yours. There’s definitely a lot to learn. And have fun, of course!

What advice would you have for a Brown Girl in an interracial relationship?
I don’t know if I can give any great advice for brown girls dating interracially. You are probably your own best judge of your parents when it comes to who you’re dating. I can say, though, try to learn how to drive a manual transmission car. I’m still working on that one with Sheela.

What is it about South Asian women that appeals to you?

It’s not that South Asian women specifically appeal to me, although I think they are very pretty. It was more circumstance than anything else that brought us together. While I appreciate and enjoy her culture, Sheela could be any other ethnicity and it wouldn’t change my attraction for her.

Sheela and Andrew show us that an interracial relationship can work and they are fun! And as a nice bonus, Sheela has shared her own advice on dating that you can read here.

Stay tuned for more…If you would like to share your story (anonymously or not) please send an email to aditi.mehta@browngirlmagazine.com. We’d love to include your story in our discussion of interracial relationships within the South Asian community! 

I hate reading articles about dating. None of them seem to understand what dating is like to women of color. Sorry, women of color and immigrants.

Being a woman of color in a society full of white men, yes, dating is not easy. Being a daughter of immigrants makes sustaining a dating life harder.

Why do I say that? Immigrants are more likely to hold onto “old world” ideals; these ideals are probably more conservative. Trying to date before you’re married (or before you’ve earned at least a BS or BA) is unacceptable.

Sure all of your other friends are free to date (or not), but “you will not date when you live under my roof.”

Which is awkward, if you still live in their house.

Anyway, I know my mother is going to have a “talk” with me after reading this article, but at a certain point, you have to give up and share your story with the hope that it can lend support to someone else.

I “dated” in high school. I had less than a handful of boyfriends. It wasn’t primarily a parent issue then. They knew about one, which didn’t go over so well; they didn’t have much to worry about, for the “relationship” ended after two months. Anyway, I didn’t date because I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know what I could bring to the table. I didn’t know myself.

Fast forward to college. I met guys. I tried to like guys. I went on a couple of dates and they failed. I quickly realized that being a woman of color at a Midwestern state school was going to teach me a new word – exoticism. All of the guys I met were initially interested because I wasn’t white. Wow, what a f***ing self esteem boost. Nope, I’m not interesting, just “foreign.”

Needless to say, as a wee freshman I knew I wasn’t going to seriously date anyone at my university.

Then I studied abroad in India, and that’s where and when I met the fellow I’m dating now. Let’s not get too excited now, I’m not dating an Indian. That would be too perfect.

“My daughter went to India and met a very nice Indian boy.”

LOL.

I date a WASP-J (for Jewish). I thought I was losing my head. After years of writing off white men as exoticists, here I am dating a white boy.

But he’s different. Our first proper date was to a Shreya Ghoshal concert. He had no idea what was going on, but he appreciated the experience. He went to movies with me (including Aisha, where all I did was ogle Abhay Deol) and we traveled together. I think he’s seen more of India than my entire family.

In conclusion, he understands my background, erasing any point of contention in the future.

So what does dating mean to a brown girl?

1. It means knowing your family.
For most brown girls, family is a top three factor in most life decisions. Another factor is what you want. I can’t think of a third right now. How about, what would Amitabh want? Anyway, understanding what your family would want is important but you shouldn’t let it dictate what you do. If I let my family dictate all of my major choices, I would be pre-professional. I also wouldn’t date until I had a master’s degree.

2. It means understanding who you are and what you want.
That’s pretty self explanatory and goes for all women.

3. It means having to understand what you want from any relationship.
This comes after some trial and error. You aren’t going to know what is important to you until you interact with potential partners. I didn’t think I was going to be in a healthy relationship with someone who ran 5 or 6 miles at a time for “fun” or who collected stuffed pandas as a child, but so far, it’s turned out really well.

4. Unfortunately, it means having secrets.
I didn’t tell my parents about most (of the few) of the guys I’ve dated, and for a reason. I didn’t want to raise their blood pressure for no reason.
Kidding. Sort of.
If they weren’t anything special, it wasn’t worth getting another person involved in my family and cultural dynamics.

These dynamics vary from person to person, and that’s for you to gauge.

(You know what you should never keep secret? Relationship abuse. Please read Farah Mithani’s post here for more information)

5. I don’t have anything else. I’m sure other brown girls do, so please, contribute!

This is the fourth post from a series of posts to understand the quest for love by Simerjeet called “The Sahota Project”.

For my final interview, I got a little more than I expected.  The interviewee, who I will not describe or give any details about (trust me, once you read it you will know why), has been through a whole different experience of love than I’ve encountered with anyone else I interviewed and yet she maintains a positive view of it.  I don’t know what this says about anyone else, except that this person may just be my hero.

Are you currently dating anyone? No.

Have you dated before? Yes.

(Because I already knew a little bit about her situation with an ex-boyfriend, I asked her to elaborate on that first): I dated my ex-boyfriend for many years and we were very much in love.  At the time, I was just starting school and our relationship was still pretty strong once I started working.  However, somewhere along the way I started having doubts.  He wasn’t Indian and I was worried about my parents but more so we had issues regarding trust.  I tried to break up with him several times but he would convince me he would change.  Finally, about the 10th time I tried to break it off, he threatened to tell my family that we had been together.  He told me he would send them e-mails we’d exchanged, photos we’d taken, and he even told me that he had taken videos of me that I didn’t know about.  After that, I was a wreck and really did not know what to do.  I didn’t want my family knowing but then again, I couldn’t live like that either.  Luckily, I have some great friends who helped me get out of the situation although I’m still worried about him going to my family.

Wow.  That’s absolutely crazy.  Yeah.  I thought he would never do something like that to me and I still don’t really understand why he did but it’s just something you can’t get back from.  The funny thing was that I talked to some of my friends and they’d gone through nearly similar things.  Guys think that they have all the power in this and it’s scary when you’re with someone who thinks that they can do whatever they want to you.

So how has this affected your perception of love?  It makes me wary that’s for sure.  I don’t know that I’m going to rush into anything ever again.  But at the same time, I feel like it’s still out there somewhere for me.  And at least now I know not to make the same mistakes.

I guess after all that it’s kind of weird for me to ask if movies, television, books influence how you feel about it?  No, not at all.  All those things do.  They always have and I think they always will.  Love is such a mysterious subject and I think everywhere you turn someone’s trying to figure it out.

So after all of this, what’s your opinion on love? Do you believe in true love?  I do.  But, I don’t think it’s as easy as I once thought it was.  I think you can be attracted to someone, I think that you can love someone, but that doesn’t mean they’re the person for you.  After my whole situation, I realized I didn’t question whether I was happy.  I just assumed I was from the beginning.  I know that sounds dumb but I never really thought about what I wanted, I just thought that if someone’s asking me out, that must be the guy for me.  Now I know you have to actively try to make yourself happy and you should have someone who wants to make you happy and who you want to make happy.

I really couldn’t have said it better myself.

Typical South Asian female expectations: go to college, find a kick-ass job, get married, and populate the world with a family of your own.

Recently, I’ve been hearing about a number of people venturing out and choosing alternative measures to find “that special someone.” By alternative measures, I mean online dating.  There are SO many online sites dedicated to helping young South Asians find their life partner.

As much as the haters want to hate, I think this is a really good thing for the South Asian community to get acquainted with. This puts dating in the hands of the single South Asian bachelor or bachelorette.I did some research and explored some sites other than the obvious, Shaadi.com and it definitely opened up my eyes a bit.

Twomangoes.com is a fun website for South Asians looking for a ripe mango and to share their thoughts and ideas on contemporary issues and events through an online blog. Their Facebook page states they are, “South Asian Dating done right! Cause ‘matrimonial’ sites just don’t cut it anymore!”

Desispark.com, Mastidating.com, Myzamana.com are all some of the top competitors out there right now with all similar things to offer.

Everything has a price. Some of these sites are indeed free, whereas others offer incentives like premium packages where you can choose your subscription plan allowing you to access more features and maybe more information.

Shaadi.com is indeed the largest South Asian dating site, to my knowledge and upon further research, I found that they have a pretty intense search criteria…they don’t mess around.

I decided to have a little fun and search for myself to see what I could find…

Okay so I know I’m searching for a groom, check. Age, okay- standard question. Religion, very important question- check. Mother Tongue, check. Caste, there are SO many options here- check. Country, USA please- check. Photo, of course! -double check.

Then from there, they lead you to a more intense list of preferred State, Occupation, Marital status, Education, Occupation, Salary- (AH my head was about to explode!) But I mean, on the flip side- good work Shaadi.com.

Now the real question is…do they work?

Well, here’s living proof.

Meet Sarika Mahale.

“I feel that in order to have a relationship work successfully, you need to be on the same page when you initially start to talk, which is why I liked the online route. I wasn’t afraid to ask any questions, where in the past I would dread asking the “where this is going?” question. When I started talking to my fiancé we decided from the start that if one of us was not feeling something, we would let the other person know right away, and not waste each other’s time.”

How/ When did you meet?

My fiancé interested me on shaadi.com, at which point I decided to send him an email. We started talking on the phone immediately and decided to meet up after two weeks.

What was your experience with Shaadi?

I thought this was a great way to open more options to meeting someone. I also liked that it cut out all the games that you end up playing in relationships. You can ask any questions, and if you aren’t interested, you can back out without feeling bad about anything.

Positives and Negatives about online dating?

I didn’t have any negative experiences. I think I was lucky because he was the first person I started talking to, and I was the first person he started talking to. We had profiles up for maybe 2 weeks prior to meeting. The only negative was that initially we were hesitant to tell people how we met because several people laughed or made comments about going the online route.

Positives- You don’t waste time getting to know someone. I feel like people are a lot more honest about what they want and their feelings, and cut out any games.

Advice you have for others who are skeptical about online dating?

Have an open mind; online dating is usually looked upon as someone being desperate because they don’t have the ability to meet someone on their own.  This is not true at all, you are just giving yourself more options to meet someone that you can actually develop a relationship with.

by Simerjeet Sahota - Ohio State Graduate – Star Contributor

For my next foray in the world of love and relationships, I interviewed a personal hero of mine: My longtime friend, Megan (but don’t tell her I told you that).  I don’t have very many great couple examples in my life and I’m happy to say that Megan is one-half of that example.  She’s the one I go to for my own relationship dilemma’s and blunders.  And her advice is solid, relationship gold (or at least I think so).  So I sat down with her to get her take on love and relationships.

I wanted to interview Megan so that I could present a different, non-South Asian view.  Not because there’s anything wrong with either view.  But because compared to all of the South Asian girls I’ve talked to, Megan’s view was a little different, and maybe that’s because as a non-minority, she’s been forced to look at love in a whole different manner.  It could also be the fact that she met her husband in high school and have been together for 10 years.  Whatever.

Current relationship status: Married with child.

Prior History:  I dated a little bit when I was younger, before meeting my husband.  Once I met him, I pretty much did anything to get his attention.

Love is…: Independent of being in a relationship.  It’s wanting that person to be happy even if it’s without you.  Love is selfless, you put that person before yourself even when you don’t want to.  Life would be less significant without that person.

Do you believe in love? Yeah.  I think everyone really does – they just say they don’t so they can’t get hurt.

Is there a difference between “love” and “being in love”? Yes, they’re mutually exclusive.  You can love someone and not be in love with them.  You’re missing the spark.  When you’re “in love” everything makes sense.

Were you always so positive about love? I always believed in love but, when it came to me, I always thought there would be a hitch.  Like I’d be in love with someone I couldn’t be with.

Any influences in your perception of love? I wanted to be the opposite of my parents.  T.V., music, and movies have had an impact.  T.V. most of all because you get invested, you want characters to get together.  (She’s making me mentions the following shows in which she’s rooted for characters to be together: Gilmore Girls, JAG, Bones).

Any limitations on who you should be with from your family? (Megan is Catholic and Italian).  My family hates everyone.  I just happened to luck out and find someone like my husband.  Race and creed aren’t important to me.  I focus more on morals and ethics and life view.  Religion plays into morals so that helps.

Any last thoughts? Our generation has both the best and worst relationship opportunities.  There’s less control from families and we don’t have to worry about boundaries that are placed on us.  However the down side is that we just jump into relationships that may not be right.  Media doesn’t portray how love really is and it makes love seem like it should be this way or that way.  But it’s going to be different with everyone.  And everyone just has to be patient.

Speak it, sister.

by Simerjeet Sahota – Ohio State University – Star Contributor

My next interviewee scared me a bit. And not in the good “terrible horror movie made in someone’s basement” way. In a “wow, I feel like I’m talking to myself way.” Let me back up a bit. My friend, who declined to be identified and who I’ll refer to as “the dudette” (clever is indeed my middle name), has practically grown up with me. I say that despite the fact that she’s years younger then me. We went to college together and were friends with the same people, met the same boys, and gossiped over the same gossip. Her family was much more strict then mine and, I still to this day, admire her adherence to religion. She’s a recent college graduate, working full time in the medical field, and unashamedly living at home. It was funny when I hit her up for this interview because now that I think about it, we’ve discussed boys and sex and life and school but never what we thought about relationships and love. So without further ado, I’ll present the interview (hey! that rhymes!) and save the rest of my comments for the post-show.

What’s your current relationship status? Single

Have you dated before? I don’t think so.  (i.e. no serious relationships)

What’s your definition of love? Ugh I hate that word.

Why is that? There’s no reason to get attached.  Why would you risk getting hurt?

Okay so do you think you’ve ever been in love? Or do you just associate that with attachment? I don’t know maybe (I have been in love).  How would I know its love when I always bail?

So you’re saying that you don’t commit? Is it a cultural thing, fear of your parents, or personal reasons you try not to get attached? I’m protecting myself.  When I feel like he’s getting too close I push him away.

Okay thanks, so what would being in a relationship mean to you? Someone you are willing to share your decisions with.

What would you expect from someone you’re with? To support me when I need them, and not just financially.

Do you think your perception of love has been affected by books/ movies/ Hollywood/ music? Maybe movies but not really. I think it’s based on friends relationships and how badly they end.

I know your parents have certain criteria for the person you marry but is there anything specific that you look for? Just someone who is culturally the same as me, with the same ideals.  If I ever decide to get married and have a family I want us to be on the same page.

Any last words? I think that even when I push guys away, I secretly want them to be persistent and patient.  If they go away then I know I was right in letting them go.

I called her the “dudette” because she kept talking about how much she sounded like a guy, a mentality of “don’t get attached, don’t get hurt”.  I don’t know how many of us out there think in the same manner, whether its because we’re personally afraid to get hurt or because we’re afraid of upsetting our families, but does it prevent us from finding “the one”? Does it even prevent us from acknowledging that “the one” is the one we’re with? Is all this just fear of letting ourselves or our families down?  I unfortunately don’t know the answer to any of these questions.  All I know is that this project just keeps getting more interesting.

Next time I’ll try to lighten up a bit.  Present a different, non-brown girl view from my friend Megan.  Stay tuned!

by Simerjeet Sahota – Ohio State University – Star Contributor

For my first interview, I didn’t go too far out of my comfort zone.  Really, I called my cousin.  But I have a good reason, I promise.  “Josie”, as I like to call her, is a recent college graduate who works for a nationwide Pharmaceutical company.  She moved to New Jersey, right outside New York City, after completing a rigorous training program in Columbus, Ohio.  As much as she’s my cousin, more than anything she’s my friend and she’s one of the most practical people I know.  She seems to approach everything from grocery coupons to complex business plans with a keen eye for what she’s doing.  In addition, she’s probably one of the most confident people I know, especially when it comes to relationships (all of that is evident in her true- to-form, simplistic answers).  After talking to her, I felt like maybe I need to relax with all this over-thinking.

What’s your current relationship status? Single.

Have you dated before? Yes.

What is your definition of love? A partnership.  It goes beyond ‘just dealing’ with someone.  It’s a friendship that evolves into a partnership.  Its not always this romantic thing – it sucks sometimes but its dealing with those times that really makes it love.

Were you ever ‘in love’ with love? Nope.

Any external influences such as books, movies, Hollywood, or Bollywood? No.

Josie, for as long as I can remember, has openly been on Shaadi and Match.com for a few years now.  Whereas I have literally thrown a tantrum at the idea, she has embraced it. I wanted to get some of her thoughts on using these sites: It’s all very easy.  You only talk to people who are looking for similar interests.  It’s a way to meet people you normally wouldn’t.  It’s not weird!

She tends to approach it like facebook.  A way to meet friends and then maybe, build upon that friendship into something more.  She doesn’t meet with anyone she doesn’t want to meet with and even then she makes sure she has talked to them enough times before actually meeting up with them.

Any family restrictions? Must be Indian.

Personal restrictions? Prefers someone who is her own caste, religion, Punjabi and is well educated.

Any last advice? People should think more with their heads than with their hearts when approaching love.

Josie’s use of Shaadi and other internet mediums is kind of refreshing.  In my mind, sometimes I associate those sites with people who are super desperate to get married.  She’s been using it since she’s been in college, realizing what takes most a little longer: it’s hard to find a good man.  These sites obviously aren’t for everyone, but wouldn’t it be great if we could take this approach and use it for everyday?  Is it so wrong to think that love is this simple?

We’re all in the same boat.  I like to call it the “educated, responsible adult boat”.  Oh and single.  We’re definitely all single. Or at least single in the eyes of family members.  And we are declaring our hatred of marriage.  Blame it on the economy, blame it the increased evidence of the sexualization of America’s youth (Skins, Jersey Shore anyone?) but we’re all hanging out, toiling, waiting for “the conversation.”

So while I was getting my own lecture of many lectures on why wasn’t I ready to settle down now (my dad’s brother-in-law knew a great boy, pharmacist; oh and my mom’s sister-in-law knew of a great guy, accountant), I thought about the following things:

1) How dare these people think that they know what person would possibly be right for me? (instant anger reaction) and

2) What do I even want in someone? (rational reaction). It’s one thing to brush it off, tell everyone you’re not looking, you’re not interested, that you haven’t found someone yet.  But what exactly do you want?  And is what you want realistic?

When I used to sit back and think about my perfect guy, he was smart, educated, funny, handsome (I would also accept “hot”), athletic, family oriented, trusting and trustable (is that a word?), honest, and maybe with a lot of money (Hey.  I watched a lot of soap operas.  They always seem to just fly off to St. Barth whenever they feel like it).  I didn’t even really interact with boys until college and despite the fun of having guy friends, guys in the real world never really matched up to the standards of the guy in my head.  To this day, I struggle with accepting that, instead of reverting back to a fantasy world where I control everything.

So I wonder, did romance novels, Bollywood, and Hollywood create a illogical archetype of what I’m supposed to expect? In turn, does that define what I think of love?  Or even how I approach relationships?  After the smoke cleared (a result from all the over-thinking I was doing), I decided to survey the situation.  I decided to interview some close friends who were in different stages of their lives, who were looking for different things and who, ideally, have their own perspectives on love.  The first interview will be available shortly but first, for good measure, I thought I’d interview myself and give my (jaded) perspective on this thing called love.

Do I believe in love? Of course, what else would dead poets have written about if there was no such thing as love?  What would one hit wonders have as their theme for their one hit wonder? If that’s not evidence of the existence of love, I don’t know what is.

Current view on love: Well, if I’m going to be honest, to me, love is my best friend.  Love is the person I want to share everything with right away.  I want to not wait to talk to them.  And I want that person to think I’m hilarious (I have a humor complex, can you tell?).  And the more I think about this question, the more I realize I’m confusing traits in a person with what I think love is.  Strange.

What does it mean to “be in love”? I think it means complete trust, knowing that person is not going anywhere no matter what happens.  It also means having a partner, an equal, to help each other through life.  And and and – knowing that you can be a complete goof and they won’t think you’re weird.

Have I always believed in love? 4 words: Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge.  Instant love? Check.  Reciprocated love? Check.  Star-crossed Lovers? Check Check.  And my second favorite movies as a child? Romeo and Juliet.  Does that answer the question?

Does the media play a role in my perception of love? I think it did when I was little (see above) and to some extent it does now.  Before I used to buy into the love and romance, love at first sight.  Now I’m much more cynical, more critical of the incorrect portrayal of relationships on television and in books and movies.

Any familial limitations or issues that affect your perception of love? The following things are required by my family for a potential spouse: education (i.e. highly educated, Bachelor’s +), religion, caste, Punjabi, family oriented.

Any limitations you place on yourself? I’m equal opportunity.  But this does not mean that my family’s requirements have no bearing.  I mean, how much easier would it be if their requirements were mine?  But then again, why can’t my requirements be theirs?

Whew! That was long but I hope it gives a perspective on why and where I’m starting this project. Through this process, I sure hope I learn something.

]]> http://browngirlmagazine.com/2011/02/the-sahota-project-understanding-love/feed/ 5 http://browngirlmagazine.com/2011/02/the-real-raj-of-your-dreams/ http://browngirlmagazine.com/2011/02/the-real-raj-of-your-dreams/#comments Thu, 10 Feb 2011 22:39:12 +0000 browngirlmag http://browngirlmagazine.com/?p=2788 by Shritin Patel – Houston Baptist University

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had my “perfect guy” all figured out. He was tall, handsome, brave, romantic, hilarious, mischievous, and would whisk me away through the cornfield and into the sunset. In short, my perfect guy was Raj from Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge. Oh Raj and his artfully messy hair, his dazzling musicality, and his ability to make me go weak at the knees with just one glance. I held on to that fantasy through my adolescence, never giving a guy a chance because I assumed that they would be nothing compared to Raj. As I’ve gotten older and have met different people, I’ve come to realize how unrealistic I was. Every girl has, at one point or another, had the same fantasy. It’s this fantasy that disables us from giving real life guys a chance. A chance that isn’t biased and won’t be the cause of excruciating comparison on the “perfect guy” checklist.

These real life guys deserve the opportunity to have a fighting chance against the legend that is the “perfect guy”; I’m going to give it to them. I asked six guys for their perspective on girls, dating, and what matters most. What you’ll notice is that, unlike us, they don’t have a mental checklist for their ideal woman. These guys are blunt and raw, but they know what they want. They understand that it’s important to have realistic expectations instead of holding on to unrealistic fantasies. Something some of us, myself included at times, would do well to learn from. So without further ado, I give you the Brown Guys!

When asked what qualities they look for in a girl, the guys had this to say:

“Personality before looks always, however I do definitely need to be physically attracted to the girl…humble is also a must.” -Nikhil P.

“…The absolute most important thing in a woman is how smart she is. Not necessarily book smart, but [she] has common sense, can hold a conversation, is aware of the world around her, has her own opinions, basically the confidence of knowing who she is.”-Afzal F.

“She should have passion for something; something she’ll think is even more important to her than I am.”-Sanil P.

“A girl who likes cheesy Indian love stories…a girl that can be not only my girlfriend, but my best friend. Someone who will talk things through with me and hold my hand.”-Nihar S.

“If she’s the same type of sign as me I think that helps a lot…I’m a fire sign, and over the years I’ve noticed I get along amazingly well with girls that are also fire signs.”-Arnand G.

“Physically, a good healthy body does it…and that doesn’t necessarily mean she has to have a slender body either. If she hits up the gym, she’s considered fit to me, at least she’s on the right track to being healthy.”-Hemesh P.

I questioned the guys about the qualities that turn them off in a girl and here’s what they had to say:

“Dishonesty in a girl. She needs to be honest with me no matter what, even if I don’t like it because the little lies hurt just as much as the big ones.”-Sanil P.

“Girls who are incredibly stubborn and do not want to compromise.”-Afzal F.

“It’s a huge turn off if they make the guy do everything: pay for everything and take the blame for everything.”-Hemesh P.

“Gossipers and spoiled girls that think the world revolves around them.”-Arnand G.

“Even the most physically attractive girl looks ugly in my eyes when she acts like she’s above everyone else.”-Nikhil P.

“A girl who doesn’t trust me and gets jealous.”-Nihar S.

I was curious to find out of culture and religion really matter to guys the way they matter to us girls and I was surprised by the overwhelming response:

“When dating a girl, culture and religion don’t matter that much to me because dating is more about learning about relationships and yourself. For marriage I think it’s important, because I want my kids to be raised in a culturally cohesive household.”-Nihar S.

“Culture and religion matter in marriage, but not so much in dating. I’ve dated two Muslim girls and they were my longest relationships….I like the qualities they had.”-Arnand G.

“To me, it does not fully matter… ‘In love’, culture and religion do help in sharing common experiences and forging a life long bond.”-Nikhil P.

“I don’t date a girl unless I see long-term potential, so culture and religion are important. My family has to like and get along with the girl I marry, so her being the same culture and religion makes sense to me.”-Sanil P.

“I think culture matters, it’s great to be rooted in something. Religion wise, I don’t care as long as they can keep it separate from me. I would never convert just to be with someone..they have to be able to accept me for who I am, not what I believe in.”-Hemesh P.

“…They do say love is blind, so if you happen to understand the other person and are willing to be patient and accepting, then no, it doesn’t matter.”-Afzal F.

I asked the Brown Guys their thoughts on their traditional roles as pursuers, and was pleasantly pleased by the answers I received:

“I like to be pursued a little and like to do the pursuing when I really like a girl.”-Arnand G.

“Plain and simple, I like to be pursued. I hate how society has always had it so the guy should make all the moves. I like the idea that a girl can make the moves too!”-Hemesh P.

“I like to pursue a girl, but I also like it when she makes an effort back so that I know that she cares and wants to be with me also.”-Nihar S.

“I like to pursue for the most part, but being pursued a little doesn’t hurt either…I like working for it. Makes it all worth while for me.”-Nikhil P.

“I love to be pursued. It’s about time we got some of the attention!”-Afzal F.

“I like to pursue a girl. If she pursues me, it turns me away because it makes it seem shes more interested than I am.”-Sanil P.

Last, but definitely not least, I asked these lovely Brown Guys if they had any advice for the readers of Brown Girl who are still fantasizing about their “perfect guy” and disregarding real life guys. Here’s what they had to say:

“To be honest, if there is one thing to remember ladies it’s this: we’re more afraid of you than you are of us, don’t play too hard to get, and be patient with your men. Sometimes we’re not very bright and need things spelled out to us very slowly.”-Afzal F.

“Be realistic about what you want and be willing to compromise. Accept the guy for who he is and don’t try to change him, because in the long run, you’ll just hurt yourself and him.”-Nihar S.

“Too often brown girls feel outside pressure to get married so they settle for a guy that doesn’t make them happy. Take your time finding the one…don’t hold back just because your ancestors wouldn’t have done it. This is America, and eventually everyone is going to be part of a mixed race, might as well start with someone you love and makes you happy.”-Arnand G.

“Don’t go for the quick fling, wait for someone that has potential.”-Sanil P.

“First and foremost, don’t ever try to be someone you’re not! Don’t be too picky, not every guy is going to be able to receive a check next to every box on your list of the perfect guy. I think that girls should roll the  dice and take chances…”-Hemesh P.

I always thought that we girls were more sensible, accepting, and compromising, but the Brown Guys have completely proved me wrong. I believe that as time has gone on, girls that have hardened their hearts and become more materialistic and shallow (for lack of better words) to keep up with the guys. The guys on the other hand, have become more responsible and nurturing. We’re a judgmental gender that prided ourselves on the “personality before looks” concept, but I fear some of us have lost sight of that. The Brown Guys, as well as other guys I know, all look for substance in a girl over everything else. I, for one, am done dreaming about Raj, I think I’ll take a Brown Guy instead.