I can’t thank E! enough for giving the fans of Sex & the City the best TV gift one could ask for. What’s better than watching the series all over again, and this time as an older, wiser girl, who has more experience under her belt? Seeing the show pop-up on my TV-guide screen three times back to back in the afternoon and then again in the evening is pure bliss. Sarah Jessica Parker, who plays Carrie Bradshaw, always excites me with one of her most important roles, the narrator, and how she seamlessly ties the episode’s plot within the column she writes on sex, love, and life. The ultimate dream job!

An episode which recently aired, ‘Ex & the City,’ got me wondering about ex-boyfriends. The episode unfolds yet another big hit in Carrie’s relationship life, where she unwittingly finds the man of her dreams; Mr. Big, engaged to a beautiful 26-year old model, Natasha, whom he met in Paris.

Carrie questioned her girlfriends over brunch, “If you love someone and you break up, where does the love go?” And, I asked myself, seriously, where does it go? I am sure we have all thought about answering that particular question at some point, especially, those who have fallen into the heap of love before.

Maybe the lost love hides away in a safe keeping box or it hangs in mid-air above your head? Or maybe it disappears forever, almost as if it were just a fiction fable.

Love has the power to curl your toes and soften your soul.  And it’s that same feeling that’s once became a challenge, and yet also one of the best feelings I have ever felt. It can be a nightmare if you experience heartache, and that’s when I had to mash those feelings till they left my system completely. I had no choice or else I’d lose the will to find love again.

So, we escape from love and throw away our ex-boyfriends. The memories and feelings become strange, alien-like fragments of thought. Carrie says, “We keep dresses we’ll never wear again, but we throw away our ex boyfriends.” So true! But, if you don’t move on from them, they’ll haunt you for life.

So, then I ask you, does a boyfriend come with an expiration date on his tag?  And does love come with a heavy price, which we live in debt with? Can lovers ever be friends? And if they do happen to become friends after passing all the awkward stages, will some kinds of feelings always linger on?

It’s almost impossible to figure out.

There has to be lines drawn on love somewhere. Could it be true that if you are in a happy, steady relationship for x amounts of years, it’s considered true love? Or could true love only be real if it’s a tale told about two fanatical lovers, who died for one another?

Even though love comes with its case of mysteries, it has to be one of the most genuine feelings ever felt. Sometimes love is all we need in our lives. If you are lucky, it will come to your doorstep, once again, just like it did for me. Maybe it’s real fantasy love this time. But whether love is your daily cup of tea or a lost, forsaken feeling, cherish every bit of it, and love like you mean it. At the end of it all, when you look back, it will only be love that was worth fighting for.

Mandatory Credit: Photo by c.New Line/Everett / Rex Features ( 701385ak )

In her recent book titled “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough”, Lori Gottlieb presents her case on why young women shouldn’t wait for Mr. Perfect, but rather keep an open mind to well– settling. Her book highlights not only Lori’s journey in dating guys for more superficial reasons early on, but also her accepting the fact that she would have to in the end settle for a man that doesn’t necessarily meet all her requirements.

The book has brought a firestorm. You can read some of her points here.

Women from all backgrounds are wondering, is settling really a good idea? Here’s some discussion from Brown Girl Readers:

“I mean, I see some of Lori’s points (like, I hate when women aren’t practical at all and think that love conquers all – call it being less naive, call it being more cynical, I don’t know), but I also don’t think we should be resigned to settling for someone we’re not actually happy to be with. Definitely interesting.”

“I think women shouldn’t settle, but only if settling means being with someone with whom you are unhappy. If settling means re-prioritizing what is important in a mate, and realizing that 6 pack abs, 6′ or taller, or extreme wealth are not a necessity, then I think that definition of settling is correct.”

“I don’t believe that there is only one person out there for you.  But at the same time, I don’t think I can completely agree with what Lori is saying… that all you need is the basics.  I’ve mentioned this before…for me its like levels of people.  There are a handful of people I know I will be extremely happy with, then there is a larger group of people I will be happy and content with, and then there is the generic group which is what Lori is talking about.  I mean realistically speaking, there are 6 billion people on this planet.  Foregoing the children, married people and the senior citizens, I’d say there is a good pool of about (safe estimate) 2 billion left over.  There is no possible way there can be only 1 person, just as likely, there is no possible way you can cope with all 2 billion of them.”

Jezebel has posted some great reads on Lori Gottlieb’s book and point of view. Check them out, and feel free to post your opinions below!

http://jezebel.com/5452836/do-women-actually-have-dating-checklists

http://jezebel.com/5455439/just-because-you-settle-doesnt-mean-you-marry-a-good-man

http://jezebel.com/5455771/the-end-of-herstory-and-the-last-man-manual

by Survam Patel

Whether you have hit a creativity rut with your man when it comes to things to do, or you just want to try something new, then this is the article for you! Some of you are probably in a long term relationship and are tired of the all too cliché movie and a dinner and there are some of you who may have your eye on a particular beefcake and are thinking of ways to break the ice so keep reading!

SPORTING EVENTS. This one SEEMS pretty obvious or seemingly common, but I don’t really know too many people that go to these unless they are in a big group! Case in point, I am sure most of you think that most comas are induced from watching major league baseball BUT if you go to the game, I promise that you will have a lot more fun than you would ever expect..scouts honor! The food, the booze, the fans and the environment all come together to provide a really enjoyable experience AND since there is a lot of downtime in baseball, you always have time to just talk instead of constantly watching.  También, there are 162 games of baseball in a year which makes for some really cheap tickets! If you somehow STILL think baseball is boring and want some more excitement, try a NFL or NBA game to give your lungs a workout. It’s a little more expensive because there are fewer games than the MLB but there is a lot less downtime in these sports so if you are still drawing blanks on what to say to the guy when talking to him, then maybe this is the sporting event for you!

VISIT A FLEA MARKET. I highly doubt many of you girls have stepped inside a flea market but based on first-hand experience, it will make you happier than a kitten chasing a leaky cow! It is miles and miles of random crap that will appease everybody’s – I repeat – EVERYBODY’S interests! Name one other place where you can buy yo-yo’s, motion sensors, website domain names, and perfume under one roof?! To (temporarily) lay to rest the all too dreaded question, “What do you want to do today?” pay a visit to the flea market and you will find your throat parched from sounding off about  the tons of things you are bound to see!

TOWNCENTERS. Hands down, this one definitely fits the phrase ‘the best for last’, at least to me. There is a vast amount of things to do and participate in at your local Towncenter! The (mostly) free events are constantly being added ranging from live concerts to movie nights to dances and competitions every weekend! It’s fun for the family, couples, and friends. So whatever you may yearn for, you will be satiated at the end of the night once you hit up your local town center. For example, go to my local town center website just to see what I am talking about: http://www.sugarlandtownsquare.com/. Even if you don’t want to attend any events, star gazing and just walking around still hasn’t gone out of style yet! It’s also a great way to gauge your man’s sense of casual chivalry, if you’re into that. So if you aren’t from Sugar Land, just Google your city + ‘town center’ to get started!

]]> http://browngirlmagazine.com/2009/05/how-to-appreciate-your-man/feed/ 1 http://browngirlmagazine.com/2009/05/you%e2%80%99re-just-not-that-into-him/ http://browngirlmagazine.com/2009/05/you%e2%80%99re-just-not-that-into-him/#comments Tue, 26 May 2009 01:53:11 +0000 browngirlmag http://browngirlmagazine.com/?p=985 by Syeda Hasan

Dating is full of trials and errors, and it can be a drag on anyone. Not every guy will be your prince charming, but there are some Do’s and Don’ts of dealing with a boy who doesn’t quite meet your expectations.

• DON’T lead him on. Although it’s difficult to let a guy down, it will only get harder if you put it off. Leading a boy on because you don’t want to hurt him will only give him false hopes and prevent you from finding someone you’re truly compatible with.
• DO accept that you can’t always be just friends. If a guy truly has feelings for you, he’ll probably have a hard time accepting that you don’t feel the same way. Although you may want to stay friends, he needs time to work out his feelings and see if he can make the transition, and you need to be understanding of that.

• DON’T stay in it for material reasons. Let’s be honest – what girl doesn’t like getting presents? It might be enticing to stay with a guy who showers you with jewelry or fancy dinners. But if a boy is getting you presents to show you he cares, and you don’t have feelings for him, it’s not fair for you to keep accepting them because you’re wasting his time and money.
• DO be straightforward and honest. This is the difficult part, but also the most important. There is no easy way to let a guy know you don’t share his same feelings for you. It can be a scary, awkward, and intimidating thing to do, but by being straightforward, you’ll show your guy that you are mature and respect him enough to be honest with him. You’ll also avoid all the sticky situations that come along with not being honest.
• DON’T stop talking to him without an explanation. If you’ve already gone on a few dates, your guy probably thinks things are going well, even if you don’t feel the same way. If you suddenly stop responding to his calls and texts, he’ll be left wondering what he did wrong. Chances are you two are just not compatible. It may be hard to let him down, but by ignoring him, you’ll just hurt him rather than help him understand how you feel.

• DO keep your own happiness in mind. You might feel pressure from family or friends who think your guy is a great catch. He might be a great guy, but he just might not be The One for you. In the end, it’s your relationship, so don’t forget that you’re out to find your perfect match!
• DON’T settle! Dating is about meeting a variety of people and exploring your options. You may get tired and feel tempted to settle for that almost Mr. Right, but you owe it to yourself and to him to find someone you can fall head over heels for. As the great Carrie Bradshaw once said, “I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.“ When you find the right one, you’ll know.

]]> http://browngirlmagazine.com/2009/05/you%e2%80%99re-just-not-that-into-him/feed/ 0 http://browngirlmagazine.com/2009/02/the-arranged-way/ http://browngirlmagazine.com/2009/02/the-arranged-way/#comments Sat, 28 Feb 2009 04:29:29 +0000 browngirlmag http://browngirlmagazine.com/?p=758 by Sunita Dharani

The life of a typical South Asian young woman in the States is filled with attending classes, juggling a job or two, perhaps a few extracurricular activities and hobbies to fill the downtime, and of course, nagging from the parents. It appears that once a woman hits that brink of post-high-school maturity and a pre-career-woman seriousness, the piercing question of “when are you getting married?” is repeatedly thrown as us. After having spent a significant portion of their lives in the United States, the generation of South Asian-American parents have come to gradually-and with hesitance-accept dating and the concept of their children ‘looking’ for whoever it is they will end up with. However, there are those of us who have been badgered to at least consider that prospect of having… an arranged marriage to a “nice, Indian boy.”

Even as I write this very sentence, I have just finished deleting an email sent from family friends in India with the picture and contact information of a complete stranger, deemed to be what my family thinks I ‘need’ in a husband. Fortunately, mine have managed to abandon the topic of “fixing” me up. But abandoning the topic itself only leads to questioning the intrigue of it-a method that reveals marriage as the ultimate social contract, used over centuries to keep power within families, expand kingdoms, and even determining one’s status, arranged marriages have once again become popular. In a time where both men and women are getting married into their 30s, the divorce rate is over fifty percent, and the rate of single people in the U.S. is the highest since the 1970s, an arranged marriage seems to be a pragmatic solution.

It is the perception that an arranged marriage is the equivalent of a forced marriage that is inaccurate-at least in the 21^st century version. Today, an arranged marriage consists of the family of the single person to actively seek out a significant other for the man or woman, but with both their consent and their wishes in mind. In fact, the process first begins with the person writing out a list of the traits they desire in their prospective mate, such as education level, family values, and specific concerns regarding children and the family dynamic. From that point onwards, family and friends use their contacts to put out the word in their communities, and the photographs and proposals begin pouring in. Author and former lawyer Reva Seth, drawn in by the high incidence of arranged marriages in South Asian communities and in  her own family, chose to spend some time researching the benefits and pitfalls of such a process.

In her book “First Comes Marriage,” Seth boils down the benefits of arranged marriages into basic principles that anyone looking for a significant other can attempt to follow. As she herself found her husband after only seven dates, Seth acknowledges that the concept of any “arranged” relationship can cause hesitation. According to Seth’s years of research, including over three hundred interviews with women in arranged marriages, certain principles that guide successful partnerships are key in any type of long-lasting relationship-whether it’s arranged or not. The process of an arranged marriage, Seth states, allows for women to establish a clearer idea of what they want in their future husband-a picture that is far more concrete than “must have a connection.” Whether it is the high intake of the fairy tale ideal or changing standards of women when looking for a relationship, simply going out and expecting love to appear is both unrealistic and a disappointment. In an arranged marriage, the expectation both parties have of each other are already outlined before the commitment occurs; you are informed of what to expect from the other person. She notes that when approaching finding a husband who has similar values rather than just a similar CD collection, the chances of divorce drops down to less than 10%.

From the sounds of Seth’s interviews, the solution of an arranged marriage appears to be less stressful (and far more scientific) than the dating world facing singles in the United States. However, as with any cultural phenomenon, there is always a dark lining on the bright horizon. Ameena*, a Houston pharmacist who was married off to her husband of 25 years by her parents, was forthcoming with the reality that exists in arranged marriages-whether they are from decades ago or occur today. “I did not meet Shekar*, I had only seen a picture of him that his sister had brought to college,” she says of her initial exchanges with the prospective family. Over the course of a single week, Ameena found herself selling her skills as a housewife to her future-in-laws, but not finding out much about Shekar in the process. Instead of finishing her degree, she spent her days in the kitchen of her in-laws, cooking and cleaning. Did she feel forced into the marriage?

“Not entirely, but there was a sense of ‘if you don’t say yes, what are the chances you will receive another proposal?’ There was a stigma that if a girl was still unmarried after a certain age, there was something completely wrong with her-either she was ugly, or she couldn’t cook or clean.” The chance of a marriage resulting from love did not exist. I asked Ameena if the principle of “love after marriage” was applicable to her situation or even a remote possibility for those who chose to go into arranged marriages. “For some women who are lucky, they begin to love their husbands and a mutual partnership develops, but there must an understanding between both. Other women are not so lucky; they enter the relationship as a wife and remain stuck to that role the entire time. It is not love that grows, it is almost a type of worshipping of their husbands.” Does happiness exist for her? Ameena has a look of concentration on her face that lasts for a few moments before she finally answers-with an air of hesitance-”sure.” For her, happiness can be found in her marriage when Shekar looks to her as a person equivalent to himself, not simply someone who does his laundry and makes sure the bills are paid. Love, for her at least, is not a goal in the relationship.

Whether they are matters of love, happiness, or the pursuit of “forever,” the modern, Westernized female can benefit greatly from the principles found in arranged marriages. Centuries of empirical evidence have shown the social and economic implications of this coupling system, and in deviating from the traditional form and integrating the practice of “arranging” a relationship into the 21^st world, perhaps a realistic fairy-tale ending can be found within reach.

by Asma Hassan

Note: The names in this article have been changed to protect the interviewees.

As if “normal” relationships aren’t hard enough as it is, a long distance relationship takes bonds to the next level by testing trust, longing and patience. Making matters worse are relationships of lovers with a large age difference, causing problems related to maturity, understanding and commitment. Then there are the relationships with the “unfaithfuls,” the “hopeless romantics,” and the list goes on.

Whatever the case and background of a relationship, there is really no such thing as a “normal” relationship. Our elders assure us that “it is okay,” that a little bit of lover’s quarrels here and there are actually healthy for any relationship. Interracial relationships, though common, also have their own trials and tribulations for not only the lovers, but their families as well. The most common element of obstacles in an interracial relationship includes the following:

Cultural differences – This being anything from family (think wedding) traditions to lifestyles (think clothing, family gatherings, family politics, politics politics, etc.).

“Culture was not an issue for me when I met Sean because I am pretty Americanized – considering I was in the states permanently since I was six,” said Aaliyah. “Our generation is one of the most culturally accepting – and I am all about bringing races together and I connect with Americans way more than Desi’s or people that hang out with “their own kind” – and I just do better around people who are different.”

Religious differences – Though this obstacle may be mutually overcome between the lovers, it will usually be the families who have issues with the differing religions.

“Sean and I understand each other’s religion,” said Aaliyah. “I have gone to church with Sean and his family. When my friend passed away this year, Sean was comfortable about coming to the Mosque to mourn her death. We are accepting and understanding and even interested in each other’s religion. We are both very open minded, I don’t ask him to convert, I just ask him to understand and appreciate and vice versa.

However, though Aaliyah and Sean understand and accept each other’s religious differences, the parents already have preconceived notions of how their children should be living.

“On Father’s day I mentioned to Sean’s mom that it was my friend’s wedding and I would have loved for Sean to dress up in a traditional Pakistani outfit – and she was very upset at that notion. She didn’t want him to dress up in that outfit, and also mentioned and clarified that she wanted her grandchildren to be raised Christian,” said Aaliyah.

But the parents can say what they want, according to Aaliyah and Sean, Aaliyah says that “As far as religion is concerned, Sean and I have agreed that when we have children – it will be their decision as to which religion to follow.”

Language barriers – Love knows no boundaries, unless of course you can’t understand each other. Even if the couple understands each other’s words completely, there may be certain phrases or tones that have cultural influences and significances that one may find offensive or unacceptable

Aaliyah claims that “Sean and I have not had any problems related to language barriers. We have fights all the time, but luckily we mostly understand each other – and Sean even loves to learn a few words or lines of Urdu here and there to impress me.”

Aaliyah and Sean have had to keep their relationships under wraps from Aaliyah’s parents. Aaliyah said, “I haven’t told my parents that Sean and I are together because they would not accept it. When I do tell them beginning of next year, the only thing I know is that I will be very scared of their reaction.”

Sean’s parents are well aware of the situation and slowly have come to terms with it. Aaliyah now has a very healthy relationship with her future in-laws and she has already picked her absolutely gorgeous wedding dress and stunning ring. Aaliyah is willing to accept whatever reaction and decision her parents make regarding her white American fiancé, be it ‘disowning’ her.

Not all interracial relationships are as seemingly as calm and close to perfect as Aaliyah and Sean’s. If both parties are not 100% committed to sacrificing a lot of themselves and accepting the grey that exists in black and white, it’s most likely not going to work out.

What do you think of interracial relationships, their obstacles and their chances of survival? Do you think color matters or is love blind to it all?

The answer is “yes” according to two recent studies published by New Mexico State University and Oakland University. Both studies claim that most good guys just don’t make the cut, and it’s the infamous bad boy ends up getting the girl. As most girls in search for Mr. Right are asking, how is this possible?

According to the studies, bad boys posses “dark traits” that help them be smoother, more narcissistic, and in the end more confident. It’s these guys that tend to score more girls and have shorter term relationships. Good guys, on the other hand, are less smooth, and come off clumsier.

Can this really be? Are girls missing out on good guys by falling for the bad boy tricks? Brown Girl took the question to our Guy Panel to help sort it out.

Meet our Guy Panel:

What have you noticed in the dating scene when it comes to good guys vs. bad guys?

Abbas: Girls are obviously more attracted to the bad boys. Good guys try to put their hearts out there for girls, and when it doesn’t work after a couple of tries, the guy will emulate the bad boy image. Then, the good guy is no longer there.

Dahnish: Well, usually what I see is when somebody acts like a bad guy, it’s because he’s been hurt in the past. They used to care about someone a lot, but they must have been shafted. These guys try an alternate approach because they’ve been on the other side and have been hurt.

Can a girl avoid a bad boy, or is the trap set by bad boys too deceptive?

Abbas: The girl can avoid a bad boy because she should have the common sense to know what a bad boy is: what he says, what he does. So no, the trap is NOT too deceptive.

Dahnish: No girls can definitely avoid it. She just has to be well aware of the kind of games that boys play. If she is a young and naive girl and believes everything that comes out of a guy’s mouth, she will get hurt.

Mitesh: Of course girls can avoid bad guys, but the “game” that bad guys have makes it hard for girls to not fall into the trap. Bad guys play hard-to-get, and play off the fact that they really care. I guess that is what makes the girl even more interested in him versus the good guy who will always be there for the girl.

Do good guys “go bad” in a sense to win over girls?

Osama: Some of them, yes, because guys get bored and at a point they go bad in order to score easily. But on the contrary, once a guy finds the right girl, it could be the total opposite. When he falls in true love, then any boy, good or bad, will be good.

Abbas: Yes, they do. It gives them instant gratification and satisfaction and it makes them feel better about themselves but in the end they are ones who will also get hurt. They like to have the player type image because they think it looks cool.

Why do you think that girls fall for the bad boy tricks?

Mitesh: I think that girls fall for the bad guy tricks because they know that the good guy will always be there. Like the famous quote says best: “You always want something you can never have.”

Osama: Because they [bad boys] are way cooler, and they are always more on the popular side. Girls still go for the bad guys, even knowing their tricks, because they want more attention and they will get more attention from a bad boy.

Are girls at fault in this game?

Mitesh: Girls are definitely one to blame in this game! Some guys are so confused with what to do to get the girl. Some girls put “good” guys on their knees, ready to try anything to make the girl realize that he is the one she should pick. Sadly nothing, not even the movie “Hitch” with Will Smith will help a guy decide what to do to get his dream girl.

Dahnish: Yes! Girls allow boys to act the way they do. If girls didn’t tolerate it, then there wouldn’t be bad boy behavior.

You heard it girls. Now it’s your turn to respond!