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What if I was the Toxic Person in Past Relationships?

3 min read

[Read Related: Letting go and Overcoming Ancestral Trauma Tied to Love and Marriage]

I Am A Monster

Being intimate with you is a scary thought
Not only because you can hurt me
But mostly because I can hurt you
And I can live with being hurt
I have done it before albeit was hard
But living with myself knowing I hurt you
Is the hardest thing in this world

I forget that I am a human being worthy of emotion
I forget that I have the power to hurt you
I do not expect you to sympathize with me
But understand that I have always thought so little of myself
So when you tell me that you care about me and my words
I forget that I am a human being worthy of emotion

Know that I am detached at times and it is quite unsettling
Because I do not believe I deserve your affection
I am unworthy of your sweet words and kisses
I do not deserve to be cared about and for
So when you tell me that you care about me and my words
Know that I am detached at times and it is quite unsettling

It frightens me to know that I am capable of destroying you
I wish I could destroy the capability itself
I am so uncomfortable with you giving your heart to me
Because I may break it ruthlessly
So when you tell me that you care about me and my words
It frightens me to know that I am capable of destroying you

The worst part is that I care so much about you
But those feelings do not translate to words
And you feel that they do not translate in actions either
But I try so hard by fighting with myself for you
My mind and body reject love and I push for them to accept you
All while pushing you away

It is selfish of me to push you away
And think it only hurts me
For we are both victims of my own pain and suffering
But you do not deserve to be a victim of my self-destruction
Which is why I cannot get intimate with you
Until I fight my own battles

You see, I hurt someone so badly once
And even today I hate myself for it
How could I write someone off without a second thought
How could I just be done with someone
My own cruelty scared me
How was I so okay with breaking someone’s heart

[Read Related: The Nostalgia of Love and the Sorrow of Breaking Up]


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