It’s the cliche scene from a movie. You walk into a room. You scan the room. You see him, he sees you, and you both stop and lock eyes. The rest is history.
He seems like Mr. Right. He makes thoughtful gestures, surprises you with romantic dinners, and even loves your West Indian culture. You even want to introduce him to your semi-strict parents one day. But before you fall head over heels for “Mr. Right” pump the breaks.
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2020 has been a whirlwind year. Many of us have become extremely self-aware while others have experienced a variety of feelings and behaviors ranging from anxiety to isolation, to even productivity in quarantine. To be quite frank, it’s a weird time and even weirder if you’re attempting to create a normal dating life. For those of you who are entertaining the thought of dating again in 2021, here’s a list of four types of men to avoid.
1. Mr. Wallet
This guy has good taste but is on a very limited budget. He may brag to you about how he likes to have the best in life, yet he conveniently counts on you to fund most things. You are drawn to him because he feeds off your nurturing abilities and your ability to be a caretaker. You’ll hear his goals such as trying to get his finances together and it gives you hope for a future with him. He may even say he is working for “us.”
Eventually, you notice those finances are still not in order and realize he may even have a history of frequently changing jobs. You find that he conveniently leaves his wallet in his other pants, never says no when you offer to pay, and gives you mediocre gifts as you so thoughtfully pick out his. Do yourself a favor and reevaluate the relationship before you find yourself with a large credit card bill. As women, we are naturally giving but feel resentful when our generosity is not returned. Relationships are an investment of time and money. If he’s stingy now, he’s demonstrating what a future with him will look like.
2. Mr. Bachelor
We’ve all seen Mr. Bachelor before. He is well-mannered, witty, and attractive. He will tell you all the things you want to hear, but for some reason cannot give up his bachelor life. Did his only significant relationship last for one month? Does he keep telling you that he’s “picky?” While these initially seem valid, if it feels like a struggle to integrate you into his life, it may be a symptom of a deeper issue. He cannot commit. This means he won’t let you in to experience a true connection or real emotional intimacy.
Sure you think you can change him, but remember, it’s never our job to change anyone (that’s an old Indo-Caribbean belief that my grandparents have reiterated and it rings true generations later) much less the grown men we date.
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3. Mr. Momma’s Boy
This guy is usually very sweet and treats you well. He is polite to everyone around him and it seems like he doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. This is wonderful until you notice the odd behavior. By odd, I mean an adult who incorporates his mother in ALL aspects of his life. You’ll notice she has a say in all his decisions. This may mean everything from professional decisions, personal decisions, to even whether or not you’re the “right” girl for him.
What happens if you continuously push him to choose sides? One of two things: he will choose his mother which will eventually make you resentful or he will choose you, resent you as a result, and then run back to the mommy to vent about your alleged unreasonable behavior. He’ll probably brag about his mom’s West Indian cooking, never calls his mother out when she’s wrong, and let’s not leave out the telltale sign of a momma’s boy—tells you his mom has never liked ANY of his girlfriends.
My advice: Run. Leave this man alone. He already has a girlfriend and her name is “mom.”
4. Mr. Ego
When I think of Mr. Ego, I think of a seemingly smart guy who cannot accept his own flaws. He is confident, very decisive, and may feel as if the world revolves around him. In a “debate” he may argue with you just to prove his point. Being right feeds his need to be perceived as intelligent (eye roll).
Even though he may want to be with an accomplished woman such as yourself, his large ego may hinder the ability to foster a relationship that consists of respect, equality, and effective communication. This man thrives off constant compliments and will try to one-up you given the opportunity. He lives by “I’m not cocky, I’m confident.” He’ll never admit it but Kanye is secretly one of his role models.
Be with someone who wants to get to know you, listens to your daily ramblings about life, and is secure enough to not need constant ego-stroking. A good partner is a complement, not a competitor.
While we all have flaws, the bottom line is, it’s important to recognize red flags to avoid finding yourself in a toxic or frustrating situation. A good partner brings out the best in you. If he’s broke, childish, in need of attention, or has mommy issues, he lacks the maturity you need to be in a healthy and thriving relationship. Trust me, you’ll appreciate this advice in the long run. Here’s to dating safe and more importantly dating smart in 2021.