by Harshita Ganesh – Follow @harshikapoor17
I guess I’m okay. Well, really, I’m not…but I think I am.
On the outside, I smile. I’m obnoxious. On the inside, I cry. I’m anxious. On the outside, I look like a success. On the inside, I’m a failure. Every day, I scroll past Facebook posts with people who have made straight A’s in their college classes…but I am barely making it through the day without falling apart.
But, I guess I’m okay.
How long does it take to be successful? But, alright, what is success? Healing? Moving on? Being at the top of my class in college?
I guess I’m okay.
I was 17. My world fell apart. I could no longer breathe and almost every single wall started to close in on me. Voices began to tear every fiber inside my body. The only word to describe how I felt was ‘torn.’
I guess I’m okay.
Almost all the time, I see Facebook posts with articles headed, “I survived and now I’m something.” My biggest question is, will I ever be anything or will I remain broken? How do I become successful? The key to success is passion, but I am honestly too tired to be passionate about anything. Time is ticking. I am 19, I need to start showing promise of success, otherwise, it’s almost for certain I will fail. Neither am I brilliant nor am I stupid. Neither am I lazy, neither am I hard working. I am just tired.
But I guess I’m okay.
[Read Related: I’m Not Sad, Lazy or Non-Religious: How to Identify Signs of Depression]
The pressure to be great is starting to build. Voices are telling me that if I am not the first at anything, I am the last at everything. I work and study countless hours a day, yet my persistence continues to prove absolutely nothing for my self-worth. It constantly integrates itself back into my cycle of self-loathing, from which I can never seem to get out.
But I guess I’m okay.
The truth is, even though I have two toxic beasts spreading throughout my body, I have to continue to work hard and fight. They can continue to tear at my skin, scratch at my chest, pull out every hair on my body and eat me from the inside, but they can never take away the only thing I have that keeps me going: hope.
Hope comes from the thought that the sun might come out after days of dark rain. Hope comes from the drive that no longer will I be trapped in a dark tunnel because there has to be light somewhere at the end. Hope comes from the belief that no matter what begins, there must be an end.
Even in the darkest and most anxious of days, I have hope that I may not be worth a penny today, but I will be worth one dime tomorrow. Maybe a quarter in a week, a dollar in a month, and hopefully much much more in a year. What matters is how you define success, so write your own definition. Success is never guaranteed, but it is never taken away from you.
So you know what, I guess I’m okay.
Harshita Ganesh is a South Indian-Bollywood enthusiast; a princess who is here to fight patriarchy; a dancer; a pianist; and an explorer. Her main love is writing scripts on topics regarding empowerment and hopes to one day have one of her films made. She is currently an undergraduate engineering student in Europe and hopes to get a law degree soon after.
