We’ve all been there, had heartbreak. Which actually feels like your heart. is. breaking. For me, it shows up with my heart feeling heavy, with emotions arising randomly and with the feeling of sorrow throughout my body. I honestly don’t think I have felt any pain like the pain of a breaking heart.
So when anyone tries to tell me to stay strong during these times it really makes no sense to me.
Staying strong to me sound like general directions to getting through a tough conversation. “Stay strong Johnny, stay firm”. Or like I should just act like I’m okay until one day I am. These to me seem like the general guidelines of those who haven’t sat with their own pain and really allowed themselves to truly feel heartbreak. Unfortunately, you stay-strong-say-ers – it doesn’t work like that for me.
I can’t even tell you what does work for me during the process because I haven’t found a solution around this pain besides diving right into it. The only thing that these broken-heart moments have taught me is that I just have to accept the process and be willing to be one with my pain. What that means for me is that I have accept it, sit with it, be with it, do things with it and get curious about it.
I have to accept that it’s just going to be with me like it’s my shadow, sometimes casting a stronger shadow over my heart and other days letting me get a glimpse of myself again.
What I have come to learn through my own pain, and being a fierce observer of others, is the more we fight the pain, avoid the pain, cover our pain, or distract ourselves from the pain, the deeper it digs into our souls not allowing ourselves to show up in the world the way we know we can.
Instead, our pain covers our true essence with anger, as ego, as bitterness, as whatever defense mechanisms we have used to cope over the years to avoid being vulnerable to these feelings. We all know those people that walk around like they have it figured out, we all smile and nod politely letting them save face, but you and I both know that nothing has been figured out all.
“That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.” – The Fault In Our Stars
What acceptance of my pain has done for me is transform me. It takes me steps closer to who I truly am. It’s been like I have emerged a sparkly and more authentic version of myself every time I allow myself to feel those raw emotions. It’s allowed me to move on with a stronger sense of confidence, self-love and compassion. It’s liberating to know that I can feel like shit yet stay grounded and authentic, while keeping the strong faith that “everything is gonna be alright” (Bob Marley).
So my love, all I’m saying is that pain is shit. It feels like crap. It hurts like hell and feels never ending BUT from someone who has lived to tell the tale, it does end and at the end, what version of your pain you went through will always be your choice. Did you choose to hide from your pain with partying, distractions and blame or did you choose to sit with your pain and make it an acceptable acquaintance, one who you could have a friendly and slightly curious conversation with while knowing the relationship wasn’t going to last forever?
So if you’re going through any version of heartbreak just know that It will end and you aren’t alone. You’ll get through this and hey “just stay strong Johnny” ;).
Kiran Chatha is a writer/relationship coach who teaches women to attract their soulmates by learning to love themselves. She has worked in this field for the last five years empowering women to own their stories and be audaciously themselves so they can attract into their lives what is fully aligned with their soul.