When Depression Speaks, This is What it Sounds Like

April 29, 2014 October 8, 2020 5 min read By Brown Girl Magazine

Snoopy cartoon, psychiatric help, therapy — Source: www.Peanuts.com

Therapy is hard.

It’s also hard that my therapist doesn’t talk that much. Is that how it’s supposed to be? Probably. He knows what he’s doing, because this is hard.

Therapy is like a mirror. When you start, you hold it up to your face. You introduce yourself, how you look, how you feel on the outside, and what brought you there (usually, it’s that you haven’t had to look in the mirror recently, and that’s been all fine and well until it wasn’t, and then suddenly you’re broken and you have no idea what you look like anymore.) So it starts at the face. The therapist knows that this is the face you show the world, that this is the first time in a long time that you’re looking in the mirror, and it’s a slow but awkward re-introduction to your broken self through the eyes of a stranger. Then, the hour is up, and you’re satisfied you made the choice to even go, that someone heard that you’re broken and didn’t go running for the hills but actually listened. And that’s enough for the time being.

Then you go back the second time. You know how we all have a part of our body we hate? For some people it’s their toes or the shape of their fingers or their ears or their thighs. Well, starting in that second session, therapy finds that spot, usually you don’t even have to point it out, and holds the mirror there. So there it is, my thighs. I hate looking at them. I pretend they don’t exist and the way I function in the world is reliant upon how well I hide my thighs or don’t even think of them at all. But the thighs are where the problems are. It’s where the cracks have begun to appear, and even though you think you do a pretty good damn job of hiding your thighs from the world, they’ve brought you to this office with this stranger on a couch you’ve never seen before. Yet, you have to stare at them. You have to stare at them and fight the urge to run until you can finally say, “I hate my thighs.” That’s when therapy begins.

“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.” – Tiny Beautiful Things

“Whatever happens to you belongs to you. Make it yours. Feed it to yourself even if it feels impossible to swallow. Let it nurture you, because it will.” – Tiny Beautiful Things

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This all began after my seemingly unprompted breakdown last Tuesday. After having dinner and drinks with friends, when I returned to my dark apartment, alone and inebriated, on the brink of tears, I was at rock bottom. I didn’t want help, but I wanted my best friend. I didn’t want to sleep, but I didn’t want to do anything. With depression, thinking, eating, sleeping, talking, emailing, watching television, reading… all of it becomes too hard to do.

Everything was really difficult that night. I finally texted my friend that I had a bad day as she was sending pictures of her newly painted nails, and it took everything inside of me to tell myself it was okay to burden her with my shittiness because I was very clearly not okay. A full night of insomnia followed, and the next night I slept for over 12 hours. Suddenly it was Thursday, I had missed half a day of work, and I couldn’t get out of bed. It was 2 pm. I should get out of bed, I should eat something, I should go downstairs to my office and do the work that’s been piling up. I’m being so selfish and lazy and childish, I told myself.

A couple of hours later, I Googled the NYU Wellness Center, something I had done a couple of times in recent months but never did anything with. If I wanted an appointment, I would have to call and speak to someone for a 15 minute evaluation. Still in bed at 4:30 pm, I laughed. The thought of talking to someone on the phone terrified me. I could just hear myself, “I’m sad and tired and overwhelmed and still in bed and I’ve fucked up a lot of good things in my life, so I’m feeling a little shittier than usual about that. Do you have an appointment for that kind of thing?” If I could even pick up the phone, I wouldn’t be here. I saw walk-in hours on the sidebar. Within 30 minutes I forced myself out of my pajamas into decent street clothes and walked into the counseling center. I don’t know what drove me to do it- there was really no trigger. The thought of any movement or thought had been so overwhelming, but something inside me knew that if I didn’t get out of bed right that second and go see someone in person immediately, I would spend days in bed doing nothing and feeling worse.

As I filled out the intake form, with the usual Likert scales (How hopeless do you feel? Do you feel fatigued and tired all the time? Do you believe you can achieve your goals? etc.), I circled some really high numbers. As I totaled them at the bottom, I almost laughed to myself. I have been studying these exact scales and evaluations for nearly two years. I want to be a mental health counselor, and this was a really meta moment. My number was really high, and I knew it was bad. Holy crap. I can’t believe I hadn’t seen it sooner.

My name was finally called, and as I walked into the room and sat down with the nicest counselor lady for a quick session, she scanned my questionnaire and saw the total. Almost inadvertently, she let slip, “Oh, honey…” and paused for a second before looking up at me and asking what had brought me in today. Yeah, I was fucked. I ended up telling her more about the turmoil of my personal and academic life over the last four months than I had told any one single person in my life combined. I was not okay, not sleeping, too overwhelmed to do anything, and though I didn’t say it out loud, was pretty sure I needed to be put on medication immediately. When I told her about the insomnia, she thought I should try a bedtime routine and/or meditation before bed. I finally worked up the courage to tell her this was more than that. Within an hour, I was being seen by a doctor who would temporarily prescribe me medication until I was able to see a counselor in a few days.

I have always been anti-medication. I don’t like it, I don’t comply with it, and I don’t like the idea of swallowing pills for anything, be it a cold, headache, or insomnia. But somehow, I was here in his office, retelling the story of the last 48 hours, asking for immediate help. I needed sleep. I needed my life back. I needed to feel in control again. What followed was a very clinical discussion that felt like an aggressive, rapid-fire interrogation about my life (Do you do any drugs? Do you smoke? How often? Do you drink? How often? Do you smoke anything else? What does your anxiety feel like? It feels like anxiety. Are you healthy? I don’t know, AM I? I’m HERE so probably NOT, sir.)

Though he would give me meds to help me sleep for the next few days, he also recommended I meet with a non-walk-in doctor who could see me regularly, aka prescribe antidepressants while I began therapy elsewhere. He picked up the phone, said his name, and asked if he could make an appointment. I couldn’t hear what the person on the other line said, but he responded, “Yeah, soon. Level Three. So as soon as possible.” DAMN, I’m a level three. Fabulous. Is that like, a scale? Am I a three out of ten? Three of just five? Am I just one level away from a 72-hour psych hold? Are there only two levels and I made a new one?

He hung up and handed me a card with another doctor’s name, and an appointment time for five days later. He also handed me a slip with the name of an anti-anxiety chemical I had neither heard of nor could pronounce, to hold me over till I could see the person who would know me as Level Three (one of many, I selfishly hoped). Within an hour, I had paid two dollars for 20 anxiety pills that were going to help me sleep at night and also help me not crush under the burden of daylight. It seemed like a worthy investment.

Originally published at: VivalainInsomniac titled “Level Three”

Featured Image Source: Peanuts.com

By Brown Girl Magazine

Brown Girl Magazine was created by and for South Asian womxn who believe in the power of storytelling as a … Read more ›

Fireside Chat With Debut Author Sophie Jai

February 15, 2023 April 3, 2023 6 min read By Usha Sookai

I grew up in a household of strong Trinidadian women. I wanted to write about strong Trinidadian women, the roles they play, their histories and their backgrounds. — Sophie Jai

“Wild Fires” by Sophie Jai is a story about one Trinidadian family’s journey through grief, identity and memory. Jai’s debut novel takes readers on a journey of a past Trinidad and present-day Canada.

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A post shared by Sophie Jai (@sophie.jai)

In conversation with Jai, we talk about Caribbean stories, the psychology of a house and what makes a family. The following answers have been abridged and edited for clarity and concision.

[Read Related: Author Kirtie Persaud on Representation for Indo Caribbean Girls, Motherhood and Balance ]

What inspired you to write “Wild Fires?”

I first started writing it for submission to a competition with the Borough Press. I wasn’t sure what story I wanted to write because I felt obligated to write certain stories or write in a certain style. I pretty much got fed up and started questioning myself. When I put pen to paper and got serious, the story that came out was a story of grief not necessarily specific to my life. I knew I wanted it to be about a family going through grief for decades, and how grief can arrest and impact the family structure.

When you first started writing, which part of the story came out?

It was the very first chapter. The first three chapters of the book came naturally. What you read in the book is untouched from the first draft that I submitted. I knew it was about a family that was going through grief. I knew I wanted it to take place between Trinidad and Toronto because I was born and raised in Trinidad and lived in Toronto. I wanted that sort of cross-generational mixture of family in the book as well – to see how each generation dealt with grief.

Did you always want to be a writer?

I don’t think I knew. It’s just one of those things that you think is impossible, so there’s no point dreaming about it. But when I was a young girl in Trinidad, I imagined myself carrying a leather briefcase and I don’t know why, but I knew I was going somewhere important, and I had something important to do. I always loved writing, but the truth is people get in the way and they dissuade you. It’s all around you – that the arts is not a viable career and if you pursue it, you have a 95% chance of failure. But after working 10 office jobs in three years, I’m like, ‘I’m not happy,’ so this is actually the failure. I knew I needed change.

How do you navigate the space of being told that art is not a viable career, especially in the Indo Caribbean community?

Those challenges were around me all the time. It wasn’t even my family, but it even comes from friends and acquaintances. When you’re young, being an artist is hard, and you’re told there’s no point in doing it. I listened to people who said that, and got office jobs and did what everyone else was doing because apparently, that was the way to be happy. Five years passed by and I realized I wasn’t happy and I should have never listened to those people. I started writing. I started doing something that made me happy and treated it as a serious craft. I did not treat it as a hobby, but as something that was going to pave my path. I really worked in a tunneled vision. So I never told anybody what I was doing – I didn’t want to be dissuaded. I had to be my own champion. I know that doesn’t sound healthy, but back in 2012, I didn’t know about community.

Cassandra, the main character is a writer, like yourself. How much of Cassandra’s story is your story?

My family is very supportive of my writing and it took some time for them to get there. Like many families, they kind of saw it as a hobby. Once they saw that I got published, they took it more seriously. Now, they are supportive of my writing and I think in the book, Cassandra’s family is not that supportive. They just weren’t interested in her writing, which is why she didn’t talk about it. It is a little bit reflective of my own experience.

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A post shared by Sophie Jai (@sophie.jai)

Is the rest of the book based on a true story?

It wasn’t based on a true story. That is something I get asked often – a lot of people say ‘she’s Trinidad and you’re Trinidadian.’ The places I wrote about are from my memory, but the plot itself is fiction. I wanted to challenge myself to write something truly fictional. I grew up in a household of strong Trinidadian women. I wanted to write about strong Trinidadian women, the roles they play, their histories and their backgrounds. The characters aren’t necessarily based on anyone particular in my life. Overall, it was a joy to imagine and write it because each one of these characters are very different from the other.

The novel has nine major female characters and at most three major male characters. Why did you want to tell a female-driven story?

I grew up in a family of predominantly women, and most of my Caribbean friends also grew up in families of predominantly women. They really are, in my experience, our caretakers. For me, my family and my friends, our mothers are our worlds – we love and admire them. Family is their priority; raising their children is their priority. I wanted to write about Trinidadian women because I wanted to tell each of their stories. I want more Indo Caribbean and Caribbean women in fiction. I think anything that I write will always be about Caribbean women. I want to contribute to that field of literature. I have such enormous respect for them; all the sacrifices that they’ve gone through to bring their kids to new countries – some of them single moms. There’s nothing else I really want to write about, to be honest.

One of the other things I noticed was keen attention to the setting. How many of these precise details came from your own life, if any of them?

For Trinidad, a lot of it is based on my memory of the island and my home there. But I did have to turn to my family for specific details that I thought I may have imagined. Because I grew up mostly in Toronto. I was insecure about writing about Trinidad, so I went back to my mom and my family, who lived there for over 40 years. In terms of the house in Toronto, some of that is from my experience and some from imagination. I’ve written and talked about this book before, “The Poetics of Space” by Gaston Bachelard, which examines the psychology of houses. I tried to construct a house that would accommodate the psychology of the characters. If the house seems very detailed, it’s because I made it so, to accommodate certain secrets and people’s personalities.

Why explore the psychology of a house?

It’s not an original thought, but I think the way space is organized around us, or the way we organize ourselves in a space dictates physical behavior. If you’re in a wide open space and you don’t know anyone, that can seem intimidating. If you’re in a closed space, that can also seem intimidating. I tried to organize the space to give each character privacy from the other, but then once they were in a common room, it really changed the dynamics of their interactions.

What makes a family?

I think people who have been through challenges with you for years make a family. That’s not even a blood thing – I have friends that are like family because we’ve been through things together over decades. It’s people you’ve experienced highs and lows with, but managed to stick with throughout the years. But ‘family’ can also be people who you haven’t talked to for years, who you’ve had a fragmented relationship with. For those sorts of relationships, it can be an unhealthy loyalty or a wondering of what could have been.

The book doesn’t have a happily-ever-after ending. Why?

Not ending the story in a neat little package was very important to me. I think there’s a certain expectation in storytelling by readers that a story needs a conclusion. And, to me, this is not what actually happens in the real world. The reasons people read a book are different – some people are reading for escapism, others are to better understand cultures and other people – so it depends on the reader and what they’re looking for. In literary fiction, readers are more open to an inconclusive ending because literary fiction can take things to a darker, more serious place than other genres. If I wrapped up the story with a nice little bow, it would be untrue to what this family has gone through. I wanted to show how unsolved issues can pan out. I didn’t want to take the story from a sad beginning to a happy ending. Not all stories end happily.

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What do you want readers to take away from “Wild Fires?”

I set out to write a story that had a universal theme. I wanted to feature a somewhat normal story with Caribbean characters. It wasn’t centered around race or indentureship because a lot of the Indo Caribbean literature that I’ve read has been – and rightly so. That’s where I learned about our history and our stories. But that was not a story that I wanted to tell first because it was not the story that was closest to my heart. When I started writing, I realized the story was really about grief. I wanted to show Caribbean women and Indo Trinidadian women, in a universal light. We are a result of these histories yet go through normal things like grief, secrets and family dysfunction.

Following the publication of “Wild Fires,” Jai is pursuing her Master’s at Oxford University as a Kellogg’s Scholar. While attending school, she’s looking to write a short story about Caribbean joy to contrast the dark themes of her debut novel and portray Caribbean women in unrepresented ways.

“Wild Fires” is available in Canada and the UK and will be available in the U.S. in Spring 2023.

Featured Image Courtesy: Sophie Jai

By Usha Sookai

Usha Sookai is an undergraduate student at New York University, studying Journalism and Social and Cultural Analysis. With a passion … Read more ›

The Poetry Film Breaking Genres and National Borders

February 1, 2023 March 7, 2023 3 min read By Varsha Panikar

Photo Courtesy of Varsha Panikar

“After so Long” is a poetry film created for Simha’s EP, which is streaming on Spotify, Apple Music and Amazon Music. The poem was collaboratively written by Simha, a U.S. native, and Jae, who is based in India, during the 2020 lockdown. “After so Long” was recited by Simha and their parents. In 2022, I directed and produced the film through my studio, Star Hopper. “After so Long” premiered on Nowness Asia in March 2022.

This film is a worldwide collaboration among trans and queer south-Asian artists from the United States, India and Canada. It was recorded, shot and filmed during the lockdown of 2020 and 2021.

[Read Related: Poetry That Reflects the Fire Inside]

[Read Related: A Bengali Muslim Boy’s Poetic Journey Through Himself]

After So Long (English Translation)

Jae:
Awake at 10 am but out of bed at noon,
I want to be here where I lose myself in these sheets
Glancing through half-shut eyes
At the gold pressing past my window
The glimmer remarks on the ledge of my bed
But the voices are so loud
Like dust collecting in the corner of my room
I am unaware to why I’m still here
With the chilling doubt of the breeze…
I’m swept into lucidity After so long

Dad:
Mil rahi hoon mein aaj iske saang barso baad,
(Today, I’ll be meeting them after so long)
Koi paata nahi diya tune
(But with no destination sight,)
Kya karu?
(What should I do?)
Kaha jau?
(Where should I go?)
Shayad agar mein chalne lagoon,
(Perhaps, if I keep walking)
Inn yaadon ki safar mein
(Down this road of memories)
Mujhe samajh mein ayega,
(I will find out)
Yeh rasta kahaan jayega,
(Where this road leads)
Inn aari tedhi pakadandiyon pe baarte hi jaana hai,
(Through the twists and turns of this winding roads, I must keep going on)
Mujhe mil na hain aaj uske saath,
(I wish to meet them today)
Barso baad.
(After so long)

Simha:
I feel like I’m retracing my footsteps
From these concrete stretches
To broken cement walls
Chips and cracks forge their way for new designs
I see the old abandoned buildings
That once held the warmth of bodies
Now just hold memories
Supporting the nature’s resilience
In vines and moss
After so long

Mom:
Dhoondli shishe mein jaaga leli hai
(These isty mirrors have offered refuge)
Bikhri hui laatao ne,
(To these scattered vines)
Zameen pe uchi ghaas pe
(Amidst the tall grass stretching from the ground)
Lehrati kamsan kaliyaa
(The swaying little buds)
Bheeni bheeni khushboo bikhereti
(Spreading honeysuckle scent through the air)
Phir wahi mausam,
(I lose myself in reminiscing, the same season)
Wahi dil,
(The same heart)
Baarso baad.
(After so long)
Phir bhi mein chal rahi hoon aaj
(Still, I keep carrying on today)
Khudko khudse milane ke liye
(In the pursuit of my higher self)
Inn galiyo se guzarna hain aaj
(I must pass through these streets today)
Chaalte chaale jaana hai aaj
(I must keep going on today)
Kabhi hum milenge kisi mor paar
(Someday, we’ll meet again, somewhere on this road)
barso baad
(After so long)
Kabhi hum milenge kisi mor pe
(Someday, we’ll meet again, somewhere on this road)
barso baad
(After so long)

[Read Related: How to Follow Your Heart, Even When it’s Hard]

Credits

Poem by Simha & Jae
Produced by Star Hopper Studios
Directed by Varsha Panikar
Cinematography and grading by Tanmay Chowdhary
Editing by Asawari Jagushte
Featuring Vaishakh Sudhakaran
Music Production by Simha
Hindi editing by Rama Garimella
Recited by Simha, Rama Garimella, Annaji Garimella
English Translation by Nhylar

The opinions expressed by the guest writer/blogger and those providing comments are theirs alone and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Brown Girl Magazine, Inc., or any employee thereof. Brown Girl Magazine is not responsible for the accuracy of any of the information supplied by the guest writer/bloggers. This work is the opinion of the blogger. It is not the intention of Brown Girl Magazine to malign any religion, ethnic group, club, organization, company, or individual. If you’d like to submit a guest post, please follow the guidelines we’ve set forth here.

By Varsha Panikar

Varsha Panikar (they/he) is a filmmaker, writer and multi-disciplinary artist from India. They are the co-founder of Star Hopper, a … Read more ›

Book Review: The Freelance Mindset by Joy Batra

March 2, 2023 March 2, 2023 3 min read By Anushree Sreedhar

“What you do is not who you are. Our capitalist society spends a lot of time trying to convince us that we are our work, but we don’t have to fall for it.”

When I first met Joy Batra, she wasn’t an author. She was a multi-hyphenated individual who floored me with her charm and her aura. Joy not only had gone to business school and law school at one of the most prestigious universities in America, but she also valued her hobbies and her passions that were completely extraneous to her working persona. Her nontraditional career path was one that, at first glance, confused me. “I’m a dancer and freelancer,” she had said, and I batted my eyes as if she was talking in a foreign language. What’s a freelancer? Why and how did she come to identify herself as a dancer, when her degrees all point to business and law?

[ Read Related: Indra Nooyi Talks ‘My Life in Full’ and her Journey to Becoming PepsiCo’s CEO ]

Joy Batra’s therapeutic and timely book “Freelance Mindset” provides relevant stories, guidelines, and motivation to take ownership of your career and financial well-being. Particularly, the book is centered around the pros and cons of life as a freelancer and practical advice for how to get started as one. At its core, the “Freelance Mindset” encourages diving deep into the relationship between career and identity, and how the balance of both relate back to your life view.

In the words of Batra:

“Freelancing is a way to scratch a creative itch that is completely unrelated to their day jobs…Freelancing harnesses that independent streak and turns it into a long- term advantage.”

Batra’s older sister’s advice is written with forthright humbleness and glaring humility. Batra leads us through the fear of facing our existential fears about careers, productivity, and creativity. She leans into the psychological aspects of how we develop our careers, and reminds us to approach work not just with serious compassion but also with childhood play:

“You are naturally curious and passionate. As a child, before you needed to think deeply about money, you probably played games, had imaginary friends, and competed in sports. Those instincts might get buried as we grow up, but they don’t disappear altogether.”

[ Read Related: Learning How To Freelance in a Cutthroat Industry ]

Batra also provides us with a diverse cast of inspirational freelancers who provide their honest perspectives across a wide range of domains from being a professional clown to actors to writers. Especially noticeable is the attention paid to South Asian women through notable interviews with Vyjayanthi Vadrevu, Saumya Dave, and more. On social media, it’s easy to find these women and immediately applaud their success, but behind the scenes, it takes a lot of grit, persistence, and determination to reach the successful level of freelancing that you see. Batra encourages a spiritual way of thinking that is marked by rational needs (ex. Maslow’s hierarchy): not to seek immediate gratification and corporate climbing, but rather to view life as a “jungle gym” as coined by Patricia Sellers. Taking risks is part of life, and just like entrepreneurship, freelancing is just as ambitious and off-the-beaten path, despite stigmatization.

“One of the strange paradoxes of the working world is that entrepreneurship is fetishized and freelancing is stigmatized.”

I recommend the “Freelance Mindset” to anyone who is starting out their career in these economically uncertain times, as well as seasoned workers who are looking for inspiration or a shift in their career life. Whether or not you are considering becoming a freelancer in a certain domain, this book is the practical wake-up call that workers and employees need in order to reorient their purpose and poise themselves for a mindset of success. I view this book as a “lifer,” one to read every few years to ground myself and think critically about the choices I make and where I devote my time.

I leave you with this quote:

“We can adopt the new belief that no single job will meet all our financial, social, emotional, spiritual, and physical needs…We have one self, and we must figure out how to integrate it into the various situations we find ourselves in.“

You can purchase a copy of the Freelance Mindset here. Follow Joy Batra on Twitter and Instagram for more content!

By Anushree Sreedhar

Raised in Edison, NJ Anushree is an avid reader, imaginative creative writer, dramatic storyteller, obsessive shopper, experimental yogi, and a … Read more ›

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