How to Put the Diva in DivaCup: An Original Manual

by Harshita Ganesh – Follow @harshikapoor17

As of late, there has been a mini revolution with period products. Over the last decade, many new period technologies have been developed in order to ease women’s inconveniences when it comes to their periods. One of those products is The DivaCup.

For those of you who don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, allow me to explain. The DivaCup is basically a little cup that you stick in your hoo-hah and it collects blood for you, so you can see how much you bleed. It’s made from silicone and is BPA free, plastic free, color free, odor free, and basically, the perfect way to be nice to the environment because you can reuse the thing. Not to mention, you get to save money on the oh-so-expensive pads and tampons that prevent you from being able buying that tub of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream that you really need when you are on your period.

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Anyways, my friends would rave about how amazingly comfortable the DivaCup is and how great it is for heavy flow days, so I decided to try it. I had told my mom about it and that I was going to try it because I was tired of nasty tampons and the uncomfortable diapers we call pads. So whilst at the grocery store, Sprouts, I picked the Model 1 DivaCup out and headed home all excited to pop that sucker in and start feeling comfortable.

[Read Related: The Tale of my Period: How My ‘Ritushuddhi’ Ceremony Affirmed My Indian-American Identity]

Once I got home, I took the cup out of the box and looked at the side that gives quick instructions on how to put the cup in. Though I probably should have read the manual that was inside the box, I didn’t and decided to proceed. For those who are ready to try the DivaCup, this is how you do it:

Step 1: Squat.

Step 2: Fold into this weird U-shape that still looks too unnaturally big to fit up inside there.

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Step 3: Take a deep breath in order to relax your muscles and make your first attempt at putting it in.

Step 4: When it’s en route to the coochie, accidentally lose hand strength and accidentally allow it to unravel.

Step 5: Repeat at least 10 times.

Step 6: Take a deep breath and remember you spent 35 bucks on it, so you need to make it work.

Step 7: Refold into the U and attempt to launch it in there.

[Read Related: What To Do When Your Period Feels Like an Exclamation Point]

Step 8: Finally make it to the entrance, but lose hand strength again, unable to keep it folded, and accidentally let it open prematurely.

Step 9: Cry from the pain and the failure.

Step 10: Remember everything else you have failed at and that this one failure will be added to the list.

Step 11: Tell yourself that you can do it and remind yourself yet again that the damn cup was 35 bucks.

Step 12: Finally shove it in and let it suction to whatever in God’s name is up there.

Now, what is even more fun than putting the DivaCup in? Taking the cup out.

My advice for your first time is to set aside at least 2 hours to get it out. But this article might save you 30 minutes because I’m about to tell you how to get it out.

Step 1: Go to the bathroom and lock the door.

Step 2: Make it to the toilet and squat.

Step 3: Search for the stem of the cup.

Step 4: Panic because you lost the stem.

Step 5: Breathe.

Step 6: Re-enter and look for the stem again.

Step 7: Finally find the stem.

Step 8: Realize you can’t reach far enough up there to grab the so-called stem.

Step 9: Hear your mom knock on the door asking if everything is fine because, at this point, it’s been 30 minutes.

Step 10: Yell that you are fine and that you just have a massive dump to take.

Step 11: Remember the cup came with an instruction manual.

Step 12: Grab said manual.

Step 13: Read that it says, “Don’t panic if it doesn’t come out, gravity will make it fall lower.”

Step 14: Watch Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham because it’s going to take awhile to make the damn thing fall lower.

Step 15: Fall asleep.

Step 16: Wake up 30 minutes later and reattempt.

Step 17: Cry because the stem keeps slipping out of your hand.

Step 18: Grab your phone to see how other people got it out. Read some terrifying stories of DivaCups getting suctioned to the cervix and having to have a doctor remove the cup and throw it away.

Step 19: Remember that it was 35 bucks and there is no way in any level of hell that you are throwing that cup away.

Step 20: Put your armor on and start doing Kegel exercises.

Step 21: Listen to motivational speeches in the back ground.

Step 22: Finally get a first grasp on the base of the cup and extract.

Step 23: Take a friggin’ nap.

Harshita Ganesh is a South Indian-Bollywood enthusiast; a princess who is here to fight patriarchy; a dancer; a pianist; and an explorer. Her main love is writing scripts on topics regarding empowerment and hopes to one day have one of her films made. She is currently an undergraduate engineering student in Europe and hopes to get a law degree soon after.

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