As a mental health professional, I provide therapeutic services and skills to many patients who struggle in the context of familial, professional, academic, and individual life choices.
By far, the most common and most requested topic of discussion with teens and adults whom I counsel is the subject of romantic relationships and how to effectively practice healthy interactions with others. While an in-depth analysis of each individual’s experience is beneficial in assessing whether or not someone is engaging in a healthy vs. unhealthy relationship, the following list comprised of road signs is an effective means in getting across that message in a more concise manner.
Most therapists and counselors will tell you that the use of creativity is often required to get a message across and using this list of simple, yet insightful, road signs is the perfect way to translate effective relationship advice to anyone – without them resisting the advice. So next time you’re on the road, see if these seven common road signs can help you to dodge your next toxic relationship and avoid heartbreak.
1. Do Not Enter
Attention all hopefuls trying to kindle a connection with someone who is freshly out of a long-term relationship. This territory is especially sensitive and it’s going to take them some time to adjust to a new reality full of uncertainties and questions.
Ending a long-term relationship can be draining not only because of losing the presence of another person, but also because it often requires an individual to redefine her/his self-worth, priorities, and goals on an individual level apart from being an “us” or “we.” So how can you show them that although it’s difficult, they just made the best decision of their life?
Start off by allowing them to be comfortable with being an “I” and “me.” Your role at this moment is to respect personal space and be mindful of setting boundaries – this gesture will not go unnoticed and it will let the person who you’re interested in know that you recognize their vulnerability. More importantly, it serves as a healthy starting point not only for the other person but for you as well.
2. No U-Turn
If you are currently trying to recycle a toxic relationship, this sign goes out to you. This advice is particularly near and dear to my heart for personal reasons and because I find many patients trapped in the cycle of abuse – whether that is verbal, physical, or psychological.
Especially in South Asian cultures, society tends to excuse unacceptable abusive behavior towards women. All forms of abusive relationships are dangerous and a cause for serious concern. Psychological abuse tends to be ignored because it does not leave physical wounds, yet this type of verbal and emotional bashing can result in the most debilitating of consequences for the abused.
Although it is difficult, I urge anyone caught in a toxic relationship to have more respect for herself/himself and recognize that you deserve a relationship in which you feel valued and loved. Stop making that U-Turn for that person who constantly leaves you with an achy-breaky heart and only recognizes your worth when you refuse to put up with their inexcusable behavior.
3. Do Not Pass
Let this sign serve as a wake-up call to reconsider the “nice guy/girl” you just friend-zoned.
For those who are hopelessly drawn to the people who will abandon them in a heartbeat, let this sign remind you to invest some time in the nice guy or shy girl who would count your heartbeats and treasure your presence.
Many people, both in my line of work and beyond, have shared the qualities and features their ideal significant other would possess. This is usually a laundry list of highly unrealistic expectations like “my future wife will be a hybrid of Ashwariya Rai and Giselle Bundschen” or “my future husband will have the face of Hrithik Roshan and the accent of David Beckham.”
As they describe their perfect (non-existent) love, there is usually someone in their life who has 90 percent of the meaningful qualities they are looking for; however, they only consider this person as a friend. Instead, they tend to make accommodations for the obnoxious others who may only be 10 percent compatible with them based on physical appearance alone.
The “Do Not Pass” sign is especially poignant for those individuals who are in search of the perfect person but too oblivious to the kind and awesome people they always friend-zone.
4. Dead End
It’s all in the name. This sign applies to those relationships where neither party wants to make sacrifices for the other, or for the sake of growing as a couple.
You may have reached a dead end in your relationship if both parties find themselves constantly arguing, unable to enjoy one another’s company, and making more accommodations for one’s ego than one’s partner. We might have seen couples who appear to be going through the motions of having a relationship, but is devoid of compassion or concern for the other person. Culture often plays a substantial role in allowing an unhappy marriage to exist as opposed to setting up a check-and-balance system to ensure that both individuals are benefitting from the relationship.
If there is an absence of healthy communication and mutual respect for one another, then a relationship will most likely suffer from experiencing a “dead end.”
5. Danger – No Trespassing
This sign applies to those friends who just cannot stay away from people in committed relationships. There are plenty of (available) people to choose from, so why trespass on someone else’s relationship?
Trespass, in this case, includes being physically flirtatious or sending suggestive Facebook messages. The constantly growing outlets of social media continue to play an ever-increasing role in connecting people who otherwise may not organically meet. This can be a great advantage if used for amicable connections, but it can also be a source of romanticizing the “what if’s” and “what could be’s;” essentially leading people away from the mundane into a life they convince themselves would be better.
However, in talking with individuals who have taken this route, many of these behind-the-scenes relationships are a direct cause for emotional, familial, and physical stress for the people involved. That is why it is in your best interest to reevaluate your options.
6. HOV 2+ Only
This sign is trying to tell you that the person you’re interested in is already juggling multiple relationships. So don’t be surprised if their grandmother falls ill every other day or there’s an unexplained amount of “family emergencies” they need to cancel plans for – constantly.
Most of us have known people who are intertwined in romantic relationships with more than one person at a time and are often left thinking “I can’t even find one person, while this girl/guy has two!” While you cannot control the choices of your friends, you can be proactive in avoiding a situation where you are unknowingly sharing your relationship with multiple people.
Help avoid heartbreak by practicing effective communication skills and don’t be afraid to ask questions when your instincts are signaling red flags. Often people are too scared of being alone and to compensate, they ignore many obvious signs of infidelity or betrayal.
People who are accustomed to being romantically involved with more than one person at a time capitalize on that feeling of vulnerability, unless you refuse to be taken advantage of (Sorry! I’m not sorry for exposing people that play with people’s emotions).
7. Wrong Way
Revisiting the concept of friend zones, this sign is a warning for everyone who misinterprets a friendship for a relationship. There’s nothing more embarrassing than planning your future wedding to a person who “likes” you the same way they like their goofy little sister or considering a life with a girl who refers to you as “a big brother.”
Chances are you’re heading the wrong way if you think your crush is contagious – just because you have feelings for them, does not mean they’ve caught the feels for you. While this can be tough to acknowledge, it’s better to realize it sooner rather than later because imposing your feelings on another person may be damaging to a valuable friendship.
In order to avoid sending romantic signals the wrong way, be in tune to how the other person refers to you in conversation (i.e. “he’s like my big brother”) and how they carry themselves around you (i.e. friendly vs. flirtatious). Granted, this territory can be confusing and at times misleading, but once you are more conscious of these feelings, you will be in a better position to judge whether your feelings are headed the wrong way.
The next time you’re on the road, I hope these literal signs will serve as figurative reminders to invest yourself in healthy and meaningful relationships that take your happiness and well-being into consideration. If there is a takeaway message from this practical list, it is to understand that love is not meant to hurt, nor is it meant to harm.
As a community, South Asians tend to shy away at times from the topic of discussing romantic relationships for fear of shame; therefore, when emotional, verbal, or physical mistreatment is gradually introduced by an abuser, the abused convinces oneself that she/he has no choice but to accept that pain. On the contrary, romantic relationships have the potential to serve as a source of great joy if there are mutual compassion and respect for both individuals involved.
Here’s to wishing all the experience of a kind and nurturing, passionate yet gentle love.
Hira Uddin works as a Qualified Mental Health Professional in Texas. She is a featured blogger at Muslimgirl.net and her contributions have been published on The Dean’s Report, The Muslimah Speaks: Her Voice, Her Spirit, Bravura Magazine, and Ummid.com. Uddin is also the editor of her website InsideAmericanMosques.com.
It is the strength of both British and South Asian cinema that every few years, and with increasing regularity, a film comes along that is able to successfully and thoughtfully bridge the highs and lows of both cultures. With the recognisable cross-cultural DNA of films like “Bend it Like Beckham”, “Bride and Prejudice”and others before it, Shekhar Kapur brings to the silver screen an honest and comedic representation of East meets West with “What’s Love Got To Do With It” — an exploration of love and marriage across international norms.
Written and produced by Jemima Khan, the film draws from elements of her own experience of marrying then-Pakistani cricket star and now ex-Prime Minister, Imran Khan, and relocating to the country for 10 years.
“Particularly in the West, Pakistanis would quite often be seen as terrorists, fanatics and backwards,” says Khan, as she reminisces about her time spent in Pakistan over Zoom. “My experience of living in Pakistan was very colourful, vibrant, and fun. I always felt like the rom-com side of Pakistan was more surprising than anything else.”
A film not just about the heart, but with a lot of heart of its own, “What’s Love Got To Do With It” touches on South Asian families, culture, individuality, and marriages in the 21st century. Set in the UK and Pakistan, this is a feel-good and fun story about childhood best friends and neighbours, Zoe and Kazim, AKA Kaz. And as the narrative unfolds, new light is shone on their friendship and questions are asked about the cultural norms and practices we have grown to accept.
It isn’t your usual ‘boy-meets-girl’ tale. On the contrary, they’ve known each other forever; the fabric of their lives intertwined. Kaz is a British-Pakistani doctor of “marriageable” age, opting for an “assisted” marriage set in motion by his own desire rather than parental duress.
“I think we’ve replaced the term “arranged” with “assisted” because South Asian parents now trust their kids more to make the right decision for themselves,” said Shahzad Latif, sitting next to Lily James, who nods in agreement. “It’s still a process. Some parents may have more confidence in their kids than others, but we’re getting there.”
Zoe – played by Lily James – is a professional documentary maker living on an inexplicably fancy houseboat (bit of a stretch for somebody having difficulty funding projects, but, at this point, a crucial ingredient for London rom-coms). As a white British woman, her method of finding love isn’t one that involves parents or family.
“It was a no-brainer for me to be part of the script,” says a smiling James in response to whether any culture shocks were encountered during filming and table reads. “Pakistani culture is so rich and colourful, and it was important for me to showcase this side of the country. So no, no culture shocks per se, just more singing and dancing in comparison to British culture!”
Zoe’s camera is the vehicle through which the film examines Kaz’s “contractual love”, as she trawls dating apps while following her best friend down the assisted aisle.
Emma Thompson, who plays the role of Zoe’s mother in the film, with Shabana Azmi.
Emma Thompson’s Cath plays the comedic matriarch to Zoe, eager to witness the conclusion of her daughter’s swiping days by being with someone suitable. She’s found a family in Shabana Azmi’s Aisha Khan – a more layered mum — one that is embracing both tradition and modernity. It would be fair to say that Azmi successfully sells cinema-goers on the difficulty of that struggle.
“Today’s society is slowly coming to terms with providing children the space they rightfully require and deserve to make decisions,” says Azmi, reflecting on how scripts and films have evolved over time. “Gone are the days when parents would blackmail their children into marrying the first person they come across. Just because they are their kids doesn’t mean they are actually children. They are adults with views and minds of their own.”
Kaz is then introduced to Maimoona (Sajal Aly); a shy introvert from Pakistan, unsure about the idea of moving permanently to London. She’s dealing with internal battles of her own; battles between personal desires and societal expectations.
“Maimoona may not have verbally said much, but her face said everything,” explains Aly, looking beautiful and radiant as ever. “She is torn between what she wants and what society silently shoves down at her and eventually, she goes with what the latter expects.”
The film navigates between London and a fabricated Lahore filmed in the suburbs of the British capital; a feat that comes as testament to the film’s production design. Kaz and Zoe’s jaunts across Lahore, backdropped by its magnificent architecture, set the stage for Pakistani music legends to shine, including the mesmerising voice of Rahet Fateh Ali Khan.
Pakistani actress Sajal Aly plays Maimoona — torn between her own desires and society’s expectations.
And if this wasn’t enough, Nitin Sawhney and Naughty Boy add further melody to the film’s music, as they talk about their experience of creating appropriate tunes such as the foot-thumping “Mahi Sona”.
“It was a great process and experience to create an appropriate language and expression of music which added elements and flavours to the film,” says the duo enthusiastically. “It’s also an ode to our South Asian heritage.”
Even though the tone of “What’s Love Got To Do With It” is distinctly feel-good, the film thoughtfully explores the unconventional ways that relationships may be built, and what multiculturalism can teach one another. Is it, in fact, more sensible to be practical about relationships? Is it possible to learn to love the person we’re with? Is love really the only ingredient needed for a successful marriage? Why was Kaz’s sister shunned for marrying outside of their culture? And do Western relationships draw more on the ideas of assisted partnerships than we realise?
A clever reference is drawn from the moment Prince Charles shattered many royal dreamers’ hearts with his dismissive “whatever in love means” comment upon his engagement to Princess Diana, thus proving that these notions may be closer to home in the West than one might believe.
James and Latif are a charismatic pair, with Zoe married to her independence and Kaz gently questioning her prejudices. The film is also a vivid demonstration of British talent, with Asim Chaudhry playing a hilarious yet questionable rishta uncle, comic duo Ben Ashenden and Alex Owen appearing as a pair of TV commissioners with a briefcase of ridiculous ideas, and Nikkita Chadha as the confrontational Baby — the film’s feisty rebel, in love with dancing.
“It’s incredible to be part of such a diverse and stellar cast,” smiles Chadha animatedly, while sipping on tea at Soho House in London. “My character is defiant and nonconformist — perfectly conflicting with the name “Baby “. I’m really excited for everyone to watch the film.”
Divorce is still stigmatised in South Asia — a theme often carefully avoided in desi films and television. Khan gently addresses it as a twist in the film – with a reminder that be it love or assisted marriage — amicable and mutual separations are a possibility.
As a complete package, “What’s Love Got To Do With It” deftly wraps up all the emotions associated with love and family in its joyful, musical, and vibrant 109-minute runtime. With its cast, music and direction, this classic rom-com is set to make you laugh, cry and, even more importantly, make you think about the multi-dimensional nature of love within and across cultures. The film is now showing in cinemas worldwide, and we highly recommend it.
Desk bound by day and travel bound all other times – Queenie thrives on her weekly dose of biryani and chilli paneer. She recently released her first book called The Poor Londoner, which talks about comical expat experiences people face worldwide. With degrees in Journalism and Creative Writing, her work and research on gender inequality in the travel industry is taught in universities across the globe. Her travels and everyday fails can be found on Instagram (@thepoorlondoner) and YouTube (The Poor Londoner).
Originally from Karachi, Pakistan and now blended into the hustle-bustle of London, Marium is a trainee technology consultant, by day and sometime also night, and also finishing her bachelors in Digital Innovation. In the midst of striving to be someone, she enjoys dreaming about the impossible (impossible according to desi standards and sometime Harry Potter impossible as well), and writing about them. She enjoys baking, decorating things and a cup of chai!
Weddings, huh? Talk about a stress fest. And for the bride, it’s like a 24/7 walk on eggshells. However, add in a paranoid and overprotective sister, and you’ve got a recipe for a completely different degree of drama. In “Polite Society,” Ria Khan (Priya Kansara) and her gang of clumsy pals take the phrase “till death do us part” to a whole new level as they plot to “steal” the bride — aka Ria’s own sister, Lena (Ritu Arya), during her shaadi reception. But with a wedding hall packed with guests, a mother-in-law from hell, and a groom with more shades of fraud than a rainbow, this heist is anything but smooth sailing.
It goes without saying but “Polite Society” comes with a cast of wacky characters, gut-busting one-liners, and an action-packed heist sequence, making it a must-watch for anyone who loves a good comedy. I mean who hasn’t dealt with some serious wedding drama, am I right?
Lead actress Kansara agrees wholeheartedly. “I definitely have!” she chuckles, as I catch up with her at Soho Hotel in London. Despite the rubbish weather outside, Kansara is a ray of sunshine with her infectious enthusiasm.
The minute I read the script, I thought to myself…wow, playing Ria is going to be one wild ride!
And wild is definitely the right word to describe her character. Ria is a British-Pakistani martial artist-in-training from London, determined to become a professional stuntwoman. Her sister, Lena, who dropped out of uni, often ends up being the guinea pig for filming Ria’s stunts for YouTube, including one lovingly dubbed “the fury.” She reveals
I’d never done martial arts before this film. The stunt training started from the day I got the role, and it was three to four times a week all the way until we finished filming. It was a seven-week period in total, and boy, was it physically demanding. Oh my God, I think I can add a whole new skills section to my CV! But on a serious note, it was so much fun and we had an amazing stunt team. They, including my stunt double, taught me so much. It was important to me to do my own stunts as much as possible, but also strike a healthy balance.
For South Asian women, who are often expected to be quiet and agreeable, all that punching and kicking on set must have been cathartic, right?
Honestly, it was like anger management at work! I got to kick and throw things around — it was the perfect balance.
What sets Kansara apart from other actors starting out in the industry is her ability to draw from her own life experiences to bring authenticity to her characters on screen. Her career began with a degree from UCL and a communications job at a pharmaceutical company. But today, her versatile range and unwavering commitment to her craft have propelled her to the forefront of British comedy, portraying defiant South Asian women we’d love to see in real life.
From my own experience as a South Asian woman, I’ve always been told to do what’s ‘proper’ and think twice before speaking up. Playing a character like Ria and putting myself in her shoes, I felt like I was doing and saying things that I wish I had done at her age. It was almost like living through her and speaking my mind about things I never did.
Without a doubt, every South Asian woman on this planet wishes she cared more about herself and less about what other people think.
Ria totally inspired me. If only I had her mindset when I was younger, my career path would have taken off way sooner instead of worrying about other people’s opinions.
The chemistry between the cast members on and off-screen is so apparent, especially the sisterhood between Ria and Lena. The wild adventures of a bride, and her paranoid maid of honour navigating through family drama, are bound to create some unforgettable moments on set.
We both confess our love and admiration for Nimra Bucha’s portrayal of Raheela, Lena’s evil mother-in-law and share a teenage fangirling moment:
I’m obsessed with that woman. There’s something terrifying yet ultra sexy about her character in “Polite Society” that’s mesmerising. I absolutely loved the dance sequence. As South Asians, we’ve all grown up watching Bollywood films and idolising Madhuri Dixit’s iconic dance moves. “Polite Society” gave me my Bollywood heroine moment, and it was a dream come true with the costumes and jewellery.
It’s definitely a unique experience for Kansara, considering her former career was worlds apart from entertainment. So, what advice does she have for aspiring actors who may secretly wish to pursue the same path, but are unsure of the next steps? Kansara advises, drawing from her character’s heist-planning skills.
I believe starting small and honing your craft is an underrated superpower. If you’re passionate about acting, make short-form videos, and build your portfolio. You never know who might be watching.
So, grab your popcorn and your sense of humour, and get ready for “Polite Society” — the film that proves that sometimes, the most polite thing to do is kick some butt and save the day. It released in cinemas on April 28th, and I highly recommend it.
February 25, 2023April 5, 2023 4min readBy Anita Haridat
Saheli Khan
From singing and acting to drawing immaculate figurines, Saheli Khan, 11, has made her debut in the North American Broadway tour as young Anna in Disney’s musical “Frozen.” As a first-generation Indo Caribbean, with roots in India and Pakistan, she continues to pave the way for young people with similar backgrounds.
Khan has always enjoyed entertaining those around her and she continues to have the motivation to pursue her passions. In school, she always sought to lead her class in songs and she was encouraged by her parents and teachers to enroll in music and acting classes, even at a young age. These ventures fueled her passions even more.
Continue reading to learn more about her journey!
What do you like about acting the most?
I like to portray different characters. Specifically, I like playing characters who have strong personalities and those who portray a sense of bravery, especially during problematic occurrences.
As a first generation Indo Caribbean actress, how do you feel about your journey as a young Disney princess? Do you feel that you are paving the way for other Caribbean and South Asians who want to pursue similar paths?
Diversity has always been important to me, but in today’s society, I feel that most people would like to be accepted and encouraged. As a Disney Princess, I am simply helping to broaden the field for all young people to see that skin color should not matter.
Saheli in Hidden Folk outfit| Photo courtesy of Saheli Khan
What do you like about your character, Anna? Is there anything that you may dislike?
Young Anna is a ball of sunshine! She is happy, funny, and a delight to be around. Despite having a troubled childhood, she grows up to be just as joyous, but she is also courageous as she goes on a journey to find her sister. I love everything about young Anna and she truly embodies who I am as a person.
Who is your inspiration and why?
My parents are my inspiration. My mom is beautiful, loving, and she works hard without ever giving up. No matter the task, she finds a solution and keeps on going with a smile on her face. She always tells me, “Whenever you feel overwhelmed, remember whose daughter you are and straighten your crown.” And my dad is my best friend. He’s insanely funny, caring and knows all the best places to eat! My parents are exactly how I want to be when I grow up.
If you had a magic wand, what show would you do next?
I would love to be Annie on Broadway or play the lead in a series or movie.
What is the one last thing that you do before you step out on stage and the curtain goes up?
There are many things I do before I step on stage. I do fun and silly things quietly with my “Frozen” sister, Mackenzie Mercer, and play with my Anna pigtails for good luck.
What are your other passions?
I love to sing, act, and spend time with my younger cousin, Ayla. I also love to draw and color since it makes me feel relaxed. I was told I have a great ability to draw and make figurines ever since I was a child. And I love exploring new cities and eating at great restaurants with my family.
Saheli dressed in her “Young Anna” costume | Photo courtesy of Saheli Khan
What advice do you have for young people who are just starting their careers, specifically within the field of musical theater?
To have a positive mindset, practice diligently, and enjoy every moment within the journey. I have learned that there may be some occurrences that may not take place the way that you want them to, but there’s always an opportunity to learn from them.
Aside from your career, how do you balance your schoolwork and acting?
I attend school virtually, which is essential when I am on tour. Each day I have scheduled school hours that allow me to focus and complete all school assignments. Once that is done, I have most of the day to work on extracurricular activities, go on outings, and hang out with my friends. Though performing takes a large chunk out of my day, it helps that I enjoy it, so it doesn’t feel like work.
What types of roles do you see yourself playing?
I love to play humorous characters such as young Anna from “Frozen.” I truly enjoyed this role as it captures who I truly am.
Khan’s debut marks the start of a budding career. With her array of talents and future goals, we are bound to see more of the young actress in the future and more representation of Indo Caribbeans in mainstream media. If you would like to purchase tickets for Disney’s “Frozen,” click here.
Hira Uddin works as a Qualified Mental Health Professional in Texas. She is a featured blogger at Muslimgirl.net and her contributions have been published on The Dean’s Report, The Muslimah Speaks: Her Voice, Her Spirit, Bravura Magazine, and Ummid.com. Uddin is also the editor of her website InsideAmericanMosques.com.
