[Disclaimer]: Gender socialization and discrimination continue to occur in South Asian communities. It is important to note that the experiences below cannot be generalized to every South Asian woman’s socialization and interaction with modesty and purity standards.
“She has no shame that she is dressed like that. What a disgrace to her family name.”
“No one will marry her now since she had sex. No respectful man or his family will want used goods.”
“It’s her fault that the man assaulted her. Her breasts were out for the world to see.”
These are some of the comments you might hear within some South Asian communities that value modesty and/or sexual abstinence before marriage.
[Read Related: Suraiya Ali on Modesty and the Questioning of Rhetoric]
When you are constantly surrounded by this type of shame-based messaging from your family and community, it is hard not to internalize it. It can bring up complicated feelings when your character, and your family reputation, are being judged based on how you dress, how you cover your skin, and how you explore your sexuality. It can also be difficult to reconcile desires, needs, wishes and choices that go against what is considered to be “good” and proper for you and your family because of the associated suffering. It can lead to real, and imagined consequences that you might anticipate, within the family and community (e.g. anxiety about being mistreated) and you may grapple with painful internal dialogue (e.g. satisfying a need or desire that feels “good” but, at the same time, you also feel “bad,” “wrong” and/or “selfish” for doing so).
Modesty and purity expectations rob women of choice.
Since attitudes towards South Asian women’s sexuality are often connected to religious traditions that place an importance on sexual purity (Tummala-Narra, 2013), some women find it essential and meaningful to cover their bodies and control their sexual desires. They can experience feelings of pride, comfort, and a sense of belonging from maintaining religious beliefs, from decreasing attention to their bodies and/or being idealized in their respective communities.
However, South Asian women also experience oppression because of these restrictions on bodily and sexual expressions. They rob women of being able to make choices without being devalued or punished with painful or life-threatening consequences (e.g. abandonment, shame, guilt, intimate partner violence, honor killings). This oppression can affect women’s physical and mental health as they try to negotiate their physical, religious/spiritual, and sexual needs, their identity and their worthiness. Navigating internal conflict about sexuality, purity, and modesty, in an invalidating, unsupportive or threatening environment can contribute to an increased sense of isolation, decreased sense of belonging, depression and anxiety symptoms, and feelings of helplessness.
Making different choices can affect family relationships.
Families often reinforce maintaining purity and modesty standards for various reasons:
- to protect their reputation or status for future marital opportunities,
- to protect their children from community harassment,
- to save their own face within their cultural and/or religious community,
- to encourage their children to follow their religious and cultural beliefs,
- to avoid or minimize the threats/risks they anticipate for their children challenging the status quo,
- to maintain control and power because they know “best.”
Whatever the reasons might be, it can result in an internal tug-of-war if you want to deviate from your family’s definition of modesty and purity. Weighing pros and cons of certain choices can feel burdensome when you know it could potentially impact your relationships with loved ones, and in some situations, result in emotional and physical abuse, abandonment, or neglect.
Modesty and purity expectations can affect sexual health and complicate trauma.
Since sexuality is rarely discussed in a direct, open manner in most South Asian households (Tummala-Narra, 2013), some women can feel confused, ashamed, and isolated when requiring education, guidance and affirmation with their sexuality.
This can contribute to difficulty with figuring out how to have conversations about expectations and consent with sexual partners. Furthermore, the “badness” associated with sexuality inherent in purity standards can influence women’s relationship with their bodies, sexual desire and needs, pleasure and intimacy.
[Read Related: My Body, my Canvas: Standing up to Slut Shaming]
For some women, it is a risky to seek out support and educational resources on their own about sexual health, pleasure, abortion and/or rape if they fear for their safety or they fear being shamed. Modesty and purity shaming can complicate trauma and perpetuate silence and isolation if you experience mistreatment and are held responsible for being assaulted because of dressing or behaving a certain way.
Tips for navigating struggles with purity and modesty expectations and sexuality:
During our recent conversation, Dr. Usha Tummala-Narra — director of Community-based Education and a research professor at Boston University — suggested the following tips when confronted with conflicting expectations with purity, modesty, and sexuality:
- Introspect on where you stand with these conflicting messages that you have internalized since no one can make that determination for you. While you introspect, do keep in mind that your feelings and thoughts can change. Ask yourself:
- What do I really believe about these messages?
- How do I feel about these messages?
- What choices am I comfortable with?
- Do I think that something is wrong with me by making a different choice?
- Think about what barriers interfere with being who you are and showing up authentically with your identity, sexuality, and relationships.
- Challenge the idea about not needing validation from others. It is normal and adaptive to need the approval of others (that, in itself, is not pathological). Do not diminish yourself for needing to be validated by others, and at the same time, recognize how it may come with a cost for what you probably wish or desire.
- Explore your options with someone you trust (e.g. a friend, a therapist, a family member, a partner, a parent, etc.) and try to have a dialogue about what is actually possible. For example, what are the more possible options and what are the least possible options? When engaging in this dialogue with loved ones, it can sometimes be helpful to mention how your current situation is affecting your mental and physical health.
- Consider community resources and find allies. If it is difficult for anyone in your family to hear you and your community is important to you, think about who is a more trustworthy member in the community to connect with. For example, some people are able to find someone in their temple, church, or other organizations, who may be available to discuss struggles confidentially.
- Engage in advocacy work. Honoring your personality when it comes to advocacy work is important since advocacy can take on different forms. For example, some people prefer to talk to others and get involved in organizations that advocate for women’s rights, while others may prefer to write.
- Remember that you are not alone. There is likely someone else in the community grappling with similar challenges like you.
Photo Credit: M7Studio
