November 29, 2016June 30, 2020 8min readBy Tania Rahman
At the start of November, just days after Halloween horrors had come to an end, a nightmare rose to life in Queens. Tragedy rocked the tight-knit community of Bangladeshis in Jackson Heights in the form of suicide.
Twenty-three-year-old Samiha Khan jumped into the path of an oncoming train to her death. Friends of Khan attested that she had suffered from symptoms of anxiety and depression. Those close to her were devastated by the news—however, details of her suffering surfaced when a friend published an anecdote online revealing a horrific insight: Khan was the victim of ongoing sexual abuse by a close family member.
While there is no way to confirm the validity of these claims at this point, a dismal event followed Khan’s death: a weekly newspaper named Thikana, circulating among the metropolitan Bangladeshi community, published a story regarding her death.
The story was a display of unprofessional journalism at its finest. The author, having a significant readership at their hands, chose to embellish gruesome details of Khan’s death and spread misinformation instead of publishing a respectful obituary. He or she quoted Khan’s family as stating that her death could have been avoided had they instilled cultural and religious values at an earlier time, and that she had suffered as a result of being misguided. Upon briefly mentioning the anecdote Khan’s friend had written, the author completely dismissed the accusations as false without actually mentioning the alleged abuse.
Though I sent the Thikana a heated response to their published story, the piece provided ample opportunity to spark a much-needed conversation that is often deemed too sensitive and controversial in the Bangladeshi and greater South Asian communities: mental illness.
Let’s make this clear: mental illness is completely and irrevocably real. The mind is complex and fragile, and is entirely capable of turning itself on and off. It does no one any favors to deny the existence of mental illness. It does not make an individual weak or any less than another. This stigma can be found on a global scale. That being said, an alarming number of South Asians of all ages suffer silently due to a number of problems that prevail among the community. Several of these issues so often locked behind closed doors actually require immediate addressing and discussion.
For adolescents and young adults, there is a constant and overwhelming pressure to succeed. Now, ambition and the desire to flourish in whatever field a person chooses to pursue is innate in many of us. First generation youths are well acquainted with the sacrifices of their parents; the plentiful stories of escaping war, poverty and tough upbringings are more than enough to keep us on our toes and offer up a steady stream of good grades for parental pleasure.
However, there are a significant number of adolescents who don’t fit the immigrant children status quo: work hard, succeed in any of the predetermined limited career options, never question your parents, so on. This may require indulging in generalizations, but, hopefully, the bigger picture is clear. What of those who love and respect their parents but cherish other pursuits?
There is a nearly palpable hostility that can grow between parent and child, rooted in a cultural gap that persists in any diaspora. Straying from the path of being “good children” has a history of leading to weakening relationships or even a complete rejection of children by their parents. This can be attributed to the children being declared disobedient, or “too American.”
The experience can be agony on both ends. Because there is a wide disparity in understanding, children often do not turn to their parents for help or advice in personal problems. The two roads that many are faced with are to either continue to pursue the dream that makes you happy, be it artsy or off the beaten road–or continue to educate yourself further based on your parent’s wishes, and risk feeling unfulfilled in the future.
For some, that last feeling leaves scars.
Matrimonial Inequality
For married women, crises in marriage mean a heavy burden to maintain civility despite an undeniable friction with their spouse prevails relationships. Arranged marriages are common in South Asia; the practice has been carried over to the West and is not uncommon here. Strong ties with one’s faith and culture, as well as a real fear of being the center of community gossip, has a tendency to impact a woman’s decision to stay in a broken marriage.
Do arranged marriages work? I can only offer personal anecdotes on the contrary, though I am aware of many which have been blissful. However, the reality is that many women choose to stay in unhappy, and in an alarming number of abusive, relationships because of cultural norms and expectations—even if it means stewing in their own suffering.
Sexual abuse lies at the heart of Khan’s trauma and it is the issue which is long overdue for being addressed. Sex is considered extremely taboo in South Asian culture; the idea of a “birds and the bees” talk between parents and children is laughable.
There is no discussion on birth control with our daughters or how to obtain consent with our sons. The very notion of Khan being abused by none other than a family member is sure to scandalize anyone whose ears it reaches. This makes it that much worse when Thikana, despite mentioning the allegation in the vaguest terms possible, failed to bring justice to light by not exploring the alleged slander.
Abuse at the hands of family is not unheard of. Sexual abuse is even more common: it is a terrible practice that is often ignored for fear of shaming the family while completely disregarding the victim’s mental state later on. Religious clergymen, family friends or even a victim’s own friends have been found to be guilty of such actions.
The frightening part is what tends to follow, a response that is common on a global scale: victim blaming. Young women and men who find the courage to open up to someone they trust with such a terrible secret are then found guilty of the sin committed upon them.
Take the infamous case of Jyoti Singh. A young Indian woman in her early twenties, Singh was an aspiring doctor whose dreams were cut short in a brutal manner. She was gang raped by several men on a bus and eviscerated to her death. The events of her death left the world horrorstruck, but a BBC documentary which followed raised hell.
Many people—men and women alike—government officials and the murderers themselves, believed that Singh was to blame for what happened to her. She was a woman who was out after dark, accompanied by a man who she was not married to, and had gotten on a bus alone with him. Surely, she deserved her fate.
Our culture’s tendency to routinely protect the offender and hurt the victim results in a vicious cycle. It is precisely this sort of response Thikana enacted, even in 2016, which prevents victims from speaking up or reaching out for help when such a crime occurs. We impose such shame on our women, from our choice of attire to our choice of words, that it can completely destroy a person’s spirit.
Our community does not, generally speaking, support empowered and vocal women who defy cultural norms out of fear of change. We immediately reject the phenomenon. There is a bright side to this situation, however. This sort of perspective is carried over from old fashioned, conservative values from the old country. It is up to this generation and beyond to carve this negative aspect out of our backgrounds for good.
The case with the LGBTQ community is a tough one. As with victim blaming, a harsh stigma against this demographic is not unique to South Asians. Even in the United States, a country that prides itself on free thinking and liberal ways, gay marriage was only nationally recognized a year ago.
But before that, there were many American cities and states in which homosexuality was widely embraced. Among Bangladeshis, Indians and other South Asians, however, being openly gay is unheard of. In fact, I don’t think there is a direct translation for the word in Bengali. If being different or going against the norm is a sin in our culture, this one takes the cake.
Queerness is similar to sex in the sense that in our culture, it is of utmost importance to speak about such things. Speaking of taboo concepts aloud brings them to life and thus normalizes them. Suicide is the second leading cause of death for youth ages 10 to 24, and of those, the rate is four times higher for young people identifying as gay. If we steadfastly continue this habit of ignoring these blatant concerns, we collectively suffer.
Khan was not a weak individual. She was not guilty of a crime, nor was she at fault for the heinous acts committed against her. Khan was the product of a society deeply entrenched in nonsensical cultural norms; a society that permanently stole her voice away. Despite what may have occurred in her personal life, she showed the world only the smile on her face. One of her final social media posts serves as a beacon of hope for us all. Her story is provocative, and it is truthful. To deny the truth or disguise it as Thikana did is a disservice to her memory and to the many victims out there suffering in their own ways.
“I never speak publicly about this, but recently my anxiety and depression has gotten worse. some days are better than others. i was supposed to go out earlier today but ended up feeling like absolute shit, crying, and ruining my makeup. but i feel a lot better now after crying! i just want to remind everyone – especially those with mental illness – that it’s okay to let yourself cry, get sad about things, and feel things intensely. it doesn’t make you weak or pathetic and letting it all out helps you keep on keepin’ on. it’s okay to not want to get out of bed or socialize if you don’t feel well. i also want to remind everyone to be more understanding of those with mental illness. herbal tea and saying others have it worse doesn’t fix anything. and just because you can’t see the pain, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. everyone experiences it differently and the way we talk about it can have a significant effect on someone’s well being. so always be kind and empathetic. #personal” (from Samiha’s Instagram)
Speak up, speak loud and speak on. Give your voice to the voiceless, and build the much-needed platform where no story is taboo. Pave the way for a hopeful future in which nobody feels alone in their suffering.
Rest in peace, Samiha.
U.S. Mental Health Resources
Common Ground | Call: 1-800-231-1127 | Web Chat (Monday to Friday, 4 p.m. to 10 p.m. EST)
Mental health services for youth offering phone & web crisis lines – help with suicide, bullying, depression, anxiety, and other issues.
Depression & Suicide The Trevor Project | Call 866-488-7386 (24/7) | Live Chat (Fridays 4 p.m. to 5 p.m. EST)
Dating Abuse & Domestic Violence loveisrespect | Call 1-866-331-9474 (24/7) | Chat Online (7 days/week, 5 p.m. to 3 p.m. EST) | Text loveis to 22522
Runaways, Homeless, and At-Risk Youth National Runaway Safeline | Call 1-800-786-2929 (24/7) | Live Chat (7 days/week, 4:30 p.m. to 11:30 p.m. CST) Home Free | Family reunification program provides free bus tickets to eligible runaway and homeless youth.
Mental health in the South Asian community has long been stigmatized, and South Asian individuals who experience psychological issues might feel hesitant to express their concerns due to the shame they may encounter. Nevertheless, while there has been progress made in studying and openly discussing South Asian mental health, several topics remain in need of further examination; these include studying the relationship between mental health and gender, specifically the role of masculinity on mental health outcomes.
What is South Asian masculinity?
Masculinity and mental health have come under greater scrutiny by researchers, particularly as traditional masculinity is often cited as the reason why men are less willing to reach out for support regarding psychological issues. However, the influence of masculine norms on well-being has been insufficiently viewed through an intersectional lens and is understudied within South Asian mental health. From a South Asian context, traditional masculinity can include focusing on material success while displaying suppressed emotionality, which can be manifested through anger or practicing other harmful behaviors.
In order to understand its influence, it is critical to examine the impact of traditional paradigms of masculinity across the diaspora. For instance, some traits associated with traditional masculinity among South Asian men include displaying control over others. A Sri-Lanka-based study found that most male participants “associated manhood with dominance…” A Forbes India article asserted how boys in India are “taught to … apply themselves to the task of growing up to be a strong, unwavering support system for their families,” which in turn forces them to be silent about topics that may make them seem weak. This pattern of behavior becomes manifested in a particularly harmful way because boys grow up with the inability to handle their emotions or formulate healthy coping strategies during challenging circumstances.
These norms can have drastic implications and harm other community members. For instance, a focus group conducted among Nepali men found that failure to deliver for their household economically as breadwinners eventually resulted in heated disputes, which escalated and led them to engage in domestic violence. The presence of domestic violence can also be observed through media stories on the pervasiveness of gender-based harm within South Asian communities, as seen in the murder of Sania Khan.
Traditional masculinity also hides the wounds that South Asian men may be battling within themselves. One paper asserts that for a sizable number of Indian men, “…sadness and despair find a distorted manifestation in destructive behaviors that deny their emotional pain to themselves and to others.” Thus, performing conventionally masculine behaviors can mask deeper mental health issues.
Repercussions of South Asian masculinity on mental health
Because of the pressure to adhere to such strict standards of conduct, traditional masculinity has significant, greater repercussions for mental health and well-being. For instance, because of the narrow ability of men to compartmentalize their feelings, this restrictive emotionality can result in an inability for others to recognize their mental health issues, thus failing to target the deeper causes of men’s behavior. Furthermore, men themselves might engage in fewer help-seeking behaviors. This is also further complicated due to gaps in culturally competent services that can serve South Asian men when they do utilize support systems.
Additional social forces experienced by South Asian men might explain mental health outcomes, particularly when considering the role of immigration. Among South Asian American men in the United States, one study noted that “a lower social position” within their community was linked to higher distress, indicating how critical it was for first-generation men to be leaders and actively participate in their ethnic community’s organizations. Thus, social expectations of men within South Asian communities influenced their well-being, as did their social status and relative power.
What we can do to change the status quo on South Asian masculinity and mental health
In order to ensure that men in South Asian cultures can embrace their mental health, it is important to formulate a prudent, welcoming paradigm that encourages greater help-seeking behaviors. Greater attention to this topic can also contribute to theories on feminist and sociocultural therapeutic frameworks, which both offer the following includes suggested remedies:
Challenging gender stereotypes and encouraging mental health care as a means to discuss issues about well-being
It is imperative to encourage South Asian men to show more emotion, thus changing the existing narrative and social pressure they face to limit the expression of their feelings. Fortunately, there is a platform, known as @BrownManTherapy, that posts content about the struggles South Asian men experience. Furthermore, therapy ought to be recommended as a means to deal with mental health concerns, which should be combined with support from the community.
More South Asian male clinicians
In addition to instituting changes in community norms, there needs to be more diverse representation in the mental health field. In doing so, there will be greater platforms to have conversations about the negative repercussions of traditional masculinity that are unique to South Asian men. Furthermore, it is critical to challenge the social stigma that mental health is a female-dominated profession or that seeking therapy is emasculating.
More research studies examining cross-cultural differences in masculinity across South Asian cultures
The connection between masculinity and mental health ought to be investigated much further. Studies should particularly assess masculinity within non-white contexts in order to examine the standards of manhood across several communities and truly understand the unique stressors men face across different cultural backgrounds.
While the connection between South Asian masculinity and mental health is not discussed among psychology professionals, it is critical to study the association since it plays a role in South Asian gender inequities and in mental health behaviors among South Asian men. More broadly, given the prevalence of intimate partner violence within the Asian American and Pacific Islander communities and the role of patriarchal norms in inflicting this harm, it is now more important than ever to reimagine expectations surrounding men’s behavior.
By further examining the problems caused by adherence to traditionally masculine norms and implementing certain solutions, these ideas can be challenged and dismantled to create a progressive and more inclusive model of manhood. Above all, identifying and eradicating toxic ideas rooted in traditional South Asian masculinity will lead to liberation for all people.
Paritosh Joshi is a graduate student in Clinical Psychology at Teachers College, Columbia University. His background includes a Master of … Read more ›
February 7, 2023February 7, 2023 4min readBy Sneha Challa
Photo credit: @golibtolibov
In July 2022, Sania Khan’s life was ruthlessly taken from her by her ex-husband. Sania was a young, vibrant South Asian woman – a creator and photographer who had the courage to step out of an abusive marriage, even in the face of community norms that discourage women from speaking out. While this tragedy seemed to stir a consciousness in the South Asian diaspora that we can no longer justify the status quo, it is far from the only such incident. Just months later in December of 2022, Harpreet Kaur Gill was stabbed to death by her husband in Vancouver. While the most extreme cases like those of Sania Khan and Harpreet Kaur Gill are highlighted by mainstream media, a small body of research provides evidence that intimate partner violence experiences are equally, if not more, prevalent in South Asian communities than the general population in the US or Canada. That’s why we need to do more as a community and throw light South Asians and intimate partner violence.
Despite the identification and investigation of these norms in South Asia, there’s so much we still don’t know about diaspora communities, especially in relation to South Asians and intimate partner violence. In the US, South Asians have become one of the fastest-growing populations, but we remain unaware of how the stresses of raising a family in a different culture, and the weight of growing up between two worlds, affect these norms, expectations, and experiences among South Asian immigrants, the second generation and beyond.
In this article, we’ll take a deeper look at how these norms are enacted to influence intimate relationship dynamics, discuss the recent rise in intimate partner violence, and explore the work that researchers, policymakers, and program implementers can do to address violence in South Asian diaspora communities.
Social Norms and Violence in South Asian Diaspora Communities
Why does it take catastrophic events to serve as a call to action? For one, the “model minority myth” continues to portray South Asians in America (who originate from Bangladesh, Bhutan, India, the Maldives, Nepal, Pakistan, and Sri Lanka) as a healthy and wealthy group. As a child of Indian immigrants, I always thought this was just a frustrating trope that lived rent-free in my head next to the eternal question, “Log kya kahenge?” (What will people say?) However, I have realized that this constant worry is not just an innocent preoccupation. It’s the result of a dangerous spiral beginning with the portrayal of South Asians as a model minority and the need to maintain that well-to-do image. This only reinforces the traditional gender norms that overlook men’s perpetration of violence and encourage women’s silence, crippling any efforts to understand the scope of the problem and draw attention and resources to address it.
The Impacts of COVID-19 on Intimate Partner Violence
Prior to the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, the frequently-uttered phrase among researchers, practitioners, and advocates alike was “one in three” — one in three women ages 15-49 experiences physical and/or sexual violence inflicted by an intimate partner in their lifetime. Under the cover of the COVID-19 pandemic however, rates of violence against women rose dramatically, prompting UN Women to call for recognition of this “Shadow Pandemic.” During the height of the pandemic, the social isolation that came with lockdowns and quarantine procedures to curb the spread of disease made home a more dangerous place for an increasing number of women. As communities seek to rebuild, the inequities in access to and use of potentially lifesaving services have deepened. Now more than ever, it is critical that we shine a light on the many intersections of our society to prevent South Asian women’s experiences of intimate partner violence from being pushed even further into the shadows.
First and foremost, to better understand South Asians and intimate partner violence, we need better data disaggregated by racial/ethnic group. Since the 1980 Census, only those of Indian origin have had a fill-in bubble.All other South Asian groups have to write something in, decreasing their participation. South Asian communities in the US are not a monolith and they are certainly not all of Indian origin. This perception, fed by our lack of data, likely privileges the Indian community in America and limits the visibility of other South Asian communities.
More accurate information will help us better understand where the need is greatest. We can make a stronger case for more equitable resource allocation, improve South Asian language materials for survivors, and enhance provider training programs, accounting for the specific cultural implications of disclosing and seeking treatment for violence in South Asian communities. Public health researchers should increase efforts to understand the prevalence of experiences of violence, the environmental factors that make South Asian women in America vulnerable to experiences of intimate partner violence, and how it impacts their health.
While outstanding organizations such as Narika in California and Sakhi in New York are leading the charge in raising awareness, running active helplines, and providing support, they cannot be the sole safe space for survivors. While the system’s failure to protect Sania is not an isolated incident, it has served as a wake-up call.
All South Asian women in America should be able to be healthy and safe and lead lives free from violence, coercion, or abandonment. To achieve this, we need better data, more research, culturally-tailored resources, and appropriate legislative action that will allow for prevention, screening, and treatment efforts to finally take root.
Ten to 28% of the world’s population of women experience painful sex. Keep in mind, that this is just what is reported. As embarrassing and as vulnerable as you may feel, you are absolutely not alone. The good news is that in addition to your traditional medical care to treat painful sex (also known as dyspareunia) such as medication, injections and surgery — a conservative approach is effective and long-lasting. Conservative care ranges from pelvic floor physical therapy, chiropractic care and acupuncture which are beneficial in treating the root cause of painful sex, as well as symptoms, for long-term healing.
Some of the signs to look out for if you experience pain are:
Treatment options for painful sex such as pelvic floor physical therapy, chiropractic care and acupuncture provide a long-lasting and profound effect on the pelvic floor and address your entire physical well-being.
The pelvic floor is a layer of muscles that range from the pubic bone to the tailbone. The purpose of these muscles is to assist in bowel and bladder control, support a baby during pregnancy and contribute to sexual sensations. Just like any other muscle in your body, these pelvic floor muscles can become tight or weak which can be a contributing factor to pain.
Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy
Pelvic floor therapy can assist by strengthening and relaxing the muscles which is necessary to relieve pain during sex.
Chiropractors can be extremely beneficial with assisting in helping relieve pain. Associated pain and discomfort can originate from the lower back and buttock muscles. Chiropractors are trained in taking a history and performing a neurological, orthopedic and soft tissue examination to identify treatment options. Deep tissue massage, skin rolling, Active Release Technique, muscle energy technique, ice, heat and electrical stimulation are just to name a few.
Acupuncture
Acupuncture can activate the human dopamine system which helps regulate hormone levels and can assist in psychological factors. Acupuncture can improve mood, decrease pain and can be vastly beneficial in managing pain and mental health symptoms.
Ask for help
“Everyone is having pelvic pain and no one is talking about it”
Start with seeing your gynecologist who you trust for a history and examination of current symptoms to rule out any other medical conditions that could be a contributing factor to symptoms.
How to talk to your partner about this in a safe/healthy way
Being open with your partner about your symptoms and painful sex may seem like a difficult conversation. Intercourse should never be painful and learning when to stay ‘stop’ is important in communication. Talking about pain before, during and after sex is important also in your own health diagnosis to see if pain symptoms are improving or becoming worse. Having open communication does not only benefit your relationship but most importantly, your own health.
To experience these symptoms may seem taboo or unheard of but quite frankly, they are common in many women. Women deserve to be directed to proper healthcare.
Disclaimer: These are based on recommendations from a board-certified chiropractic physician and licensed acupuncturist. If symptoms become new or worse, consult with a primary care physician and or OBGYN to co-manage symptoms.
Reference: Tayyeb M, Gupta V. Dyspareunia. [Updated 2022 Jun 11]. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2022 Jan-. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK562159/
Photo by anushkaniroshan stock photo ID: 2071991336
